Keep needing reassurance/too needy now and hate it….

[rettiouy]

My partner wanted to split up six years ago all because I questioned them about where they were and conversation escalated into things said to me that destroyed my self esteem totally and them saying relationship was over. It’s long story but they were spending the day with someone else. An affair was denied and we stayed together. It took a lot of work on my part to move past the lying of what they were doing and also the negative comments.
Problem is we have a good life, close, do nice things together, etc etc but I am now very needy and want reassurance
alot. So I have gone from this secure safe feeling person in our relationship to a pathetic whining fragile scared needy person. The confidence I used to have from them loving me and looking at me in a certain way is totally destroyed.
How do others cope in similar situations? I want to stay in relationship but it feels different like they have upper hand and I am always checking ‘ do you love me?’ Etc instead of them being humble and ashamed they have not lost any of their confidence.

What a depressing saga
Any children growing up under this cloud?

Your partner is the insecure one. He needs you thinking kike this to validate his perceived importance.
i would put money on that he blamed you for his potential straying and you believed him. And now you think you need to check in with him to make sure you're acting correctly.
See a therapist and plan to make a life for yourself where you don't need validation from anyone.

i have worked through things with them and we have stayed together both our decisions but I hate that I feel like I have lost something of me in that they have seen me very tearful needy worried sad disappointed that they lied, I don’t really know why they were out together and they were lying about whereabouts, but I know I have never been a overly confident person but when we met they made me feel for along time like I was a catch and that really boosted me. I now hate that I am pathetic in my way sometimes and want to start regaining my confidence and feeling better. I can’t believe that everyday I think about it as it was so unexpected.
i just want help on how to be with someone but have strategies to not be needy and worry.

There were but not now and they didn’t know as I made sure of that so never mentioned anything when the children were home.

This isn’t going to change, this will be your life with this person, never having trust. Do yourself a favour and move on.

One person's opinion doesn't make you inferior. you're suffering because your imagination is running away with itself.
Professional help is available. See a therapist. They should help you see that your thinking is wrong.

I can’t afford one and nhs therapy is long wait.

Everything Doesn’t feel safe anymore not in a physical way but when someone who you have been with along time and is your best friend and soul mate lies and also says things they can’t be unheard. It is unexpected as the person you love and care for and rely on and is your best friend hurts you the most so it’s hard to get your head around. Your go to person is the person who stitches you up so it is confusing and frightening so I don’t have a safe comfortable feeling anymore. I feel anxiety and scared emotionally and don’t want to not be together as they tell me they live me everyday etc but I am shocked still. It was like who is this person 💔😢😢💔

OP there are plenty of men who won’t cheat and gas light you and make you feel like you need therapy. Leave him and your mental health will recover.

Together over 35 years. Easier said than done. I have always loved them.

Use AI, co pilot for therapy. It’s free , instant and very good. I work in MH .

Also I thought my partner was someone who would never lie etc till they did. Thats what shocked me too.
We are very close since that time but i have a constant anxiety feeling/fear.
Makes me sad as I can’t work out what I did so wrong for them to lie. Just really disappointed and traumatised. Not been physically attacked but when you ask someone why not at work and they lie and then you are dumped you can’t understand why they aren’t begging you for forgiveness. They should say sorry they made a mistake but it is always when I tell them how sad or worried I am. They never initiate an apology.

Thankyou
Does it say what I want to hear or more specific?

Stop concentrating on them. They are justifying themselves by using you as a scapegoat.

Change the narrative to what it is I am.

Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, caring = strong and attractive

Go to your experience. I've been through crap in my life and my track record for surviving is 100%

Watch affirmation videos. You tube. Peter Crone is good.

Master mindful meditation. Watch your thoughts. They're just thoughts, not facts.

Go to a yoga class. Meditation class. Take a walk in nature

Slowly build

I will try these things
thanks.

For you own sake
You forgive them - 35 years together they say they love you - they made a mistake, reacted badly, said they wanted to leave but didn’t

If you keep dwelling on those events nothing will change

You are expecting them to act a certain way and get upset if they don’t.

And then work on why you are now so anxious, what’s the worse that would happen if you did split up? What makes you worried about that? Is it social status, not having anyone else, money? And then try and fix the reasons you are anxious.

You are thinking he could walk out the door into another firmly established relationship, could he? Is he really that much of a catch? Are you married, what’s the legal position with assets? Do your children know? Are you clinging onto a relationship that might’ve run its course?

instead of asking for reassurance you need to start thinking you’re lucky I stayed. Basically.

He did a bad thing because of him not you. Maybe you are a catch and he felt inferior so used an ego boost to help him with his insecurities. You will never know his exact reasoning unless he’s forthcoming and you trust what he says but it doesn’t really matter why he did it. That’s on him.

What you can do is make yourself feel better by investing in yourself. Take up a hobby, meet new friends, invest in yourself clothes / hair etc (whatever gives you a boost), exercise (great for MH as well as body). Get to a point where you think to yourself — good luck buddy if you want to find someone else they won’t be as great as me!

You will probably find as you disengage emotionally from him he will start to seek your reassurance. If he doesn’t then he’s checked out and your relationship is over anyway. You want to be in a position where you say to yourself — I want to be with him and if he’s giving me what I need emotionally I will stay but if this doesn’t work out I have so many things going for me I will be ok.

Being independent and confident is attractive. Unfortunately being needy for most people is a turn off. The reason being if you don’t think you are good enough why would anyone else?

Of course they’d been aware of what was going on, or at least the unhappiness and tension . There were teens at least

Him aside… what’s your life like? Job? Friends? Happy?

You are focussing on the wrong thing. You shouldn't be trying to change your behaviour. Your behaviour is a legitimate response to what your partner has done.

Your partner is the one who should have reassured you in both words and actions, following what happened. He hasn't done that so you are forever going to be stuck in this loop.

You can ask it to be whatever sort of therapist you like. It takes a few sessions for it to learn about you ( it remembers- creepy but you are just one of a billion women writing of your hurt at the hands of men so wouldn’t worry about that ). It is very kind, validating and reassuring. You can ask it to offer advice/ to not offer advice / to be kind or to be honest. You will work out what is best for you as you go.

it will help you to get what you feel clear . Which is a start .

good luck

They definitely weren’t as I hid it very well and very close with my children and they would of said something. They are very close with both of us and if they had known they would have said something to their dad and gone mad at him.

Very good job, lots of friends and happy majority of time but this is a cloud over me.

Oh come off it
reread your own op

anyway op… you’ve been living under a cloud for 6 years

sounds shit. So make the change or will be another 6 years and on and on