Is it me?

[Tiredandwornout1]

i am looking for some perspective if it’s me or my partner causing issues.

let me first of all say that I am sensitive and don’t communicate that well. However my communication style is to go silent as if I bring things up it’s generally made that I have took things the wrong way or is not how my partner sees it so I often backtrack and apologise for misunderstanding.

my partner shows not much affection at all I do need this to feel wanted and loved. I have no doubt they love me but affection would be nice just a hug or something.

My partner always states I am hard to make happy but I don’t feel this is true a hug would make me happy every now and again. I believe I do a lot for my partner meeting their needs on a daily basis I try very hard. Housework chores are divided and it’s equal. I sometimes step up when they are tired or complete everything in times of illness which you should do and I have no issue with that.

my partner is always tired probably 90% of the month so I try to do things.

They are very close to their mother who is lovely but we do an awful lot as the three of us from holidays to supermarket shopping. I don’t feel I am a priority and maybe I am getting resentful.

For example they will be on their phone all night messaging their mum maybe for an hour some nights or maybe longer other nights is this normal?

They also always buy gifts for their mother which is fine it’s their money but never buy anything for me or very rarely not that I really need anything.

Am I not a priority? Will this ever last ?

When they are loving it’s the best feeling in the world I don’t want to lose that but it’s not often

Does being sensitive make this dynamic impossible?

I do really want us to work out we are both early forties and have been together for 3 and half years living together for 2 and half years

You obviously do doubt that the person loves you and tbh it doesn't sound like they do. Don't back down. Don't be trodden over and id lay bets the mother will always come 1st. Get out there and get some independence. How old are you both? If they arent putting you 1st now They never will. Good luck

Also I think the affection thing must be an issue previous relationships the longest lasting for just 8 months. They have said they are not affectionate , but I don’t know if that’s an excuse from previous exs as they have all cheated which is totally wrong under any circumstances in my view

It’s not you, it’s your poor choice of partner. Why do you want this to work so? It’s a poor relationship you are in.

He will always put his mother first and foremost in his life and in addition he is abusive towsrds you. He’s trained and otherwise conditioned you to back down with his way the only way acceptable to him. it’s over as a result. There are nicer men out there and he is not your last chance saloon guy.

i think there is some level of doubt about love. However I always get told they need their time they are independent which is good. However I don’t feel they are independent from their mother it’s like if an opinion on something they always ask their mother , yes I get asked but it seems that it’s only lip service as the opinion they want is from their mother.

The relationship is a complete dud. Every day with him is wasted , and you should leave.

Within yourself, going silent and being unable to communicate effectively is going to hamper you in all relationships going forward. This man will like the power he has over you in this regard, but a decent man will want you to express your wants and needs effectively. You need therapy for this.

This man doesn’t like you much, but he will pretend otherwise if you leave.

Life is too short for this.

I am beginning to see this , I do try to communicate but when it’s thrown back as always I am sensitive it makes it hard. When on rare occasions he is affectionate there is no better feeling in the world and I am very attracted I just wish I didn’t feel like a third wheel a lot of the times

That's coercive control. Love bombing and manipulation. Get out and find a better person

Are you a man and your partner a woman? Is needing affection translated as more sex? When you go silent- are you being purposely moody? Are you jealous of not getting all her attention and would love to push the family out of her life?

If you aren't happy- leave? You cant manipulate relationships to get what you want. Somethings not right.

Crossed posted- saw you finally said 'he'. I dont know why people keep their OP so vague. You don't sound happy and things aren't enough. You sound resentful over the relationship with his mother. It won't change.

It’s so much easier said then done though and is the grass greener. Affection I mean like a hug, kiss or holding hands I like this stuff. I never initiate sex as he is only in the mood sometimes but that’s sex drives mine isn’t extremely high I would say normal but his is on the low side which is fine. Butt that’s doesn’t negate the lack of affection. He is not a bad person far from everyone says how nice he is and that is true. I don’t think he has ever had a proper relationship though as very short

Texting his mum for hours every evening is weird, especially in his forties. Not surprised you feel resentful. He won't change, leave the pair of them to it.

Thank you knittingonempty I text my mum but not loads it’s all videos or just saying what they doing like what they watching etc. his mum is on her own and my parents are together. However I don’t think many will message there mum each evening it’s probably about 25/30 messages each night. He said most daughters ( it’s because I have said it’s weird for a man to do this previously) would do the same if there mum is on their own so I not sure if I am being sensitive in that fact and if genders were reversed would it be normal or not?

You started your OP saying you are trying to work out who is in the wrong- why?

It sounds like you are mismatched in terms of showing/ needing affection and it sounds like you dont have the same behaviour around how much family contact is appropriate- but no one is at fault.
You either accept his behaviour and who he is as a person. Or you leave. If you leave, you give yourself a chance to find someone more aligned with your needs and wants. You cant make people fit. Surely you knew what he was like early on, but still decided to move in? What were you hoping would happen?

He's in a cycle Op, he's unusually close to his DM, his GF gets fed up of being 2nd best so they leave so now he prioritises his DM even more. He isn't going to change so you have to deceide whether you can cope with that

My MIL was a widow of 25+ years but was very enmeshed still with her eldest daughter and youngest son (my husband). Her dependence on them caused issues in both marriages. I know from my experience and in hindsight that it will only get worse as she gets older and it will come between you even more.

He wasn’t like this before we moved in, although he was living with mother.
i am not questioning keeping family contact in any shape. I would be put off someone who does not speak much to parents. However I will message my mum normally each day but it’s a message or two.
He will message in the morning then throughout the day and then evening is a lot.
most days he will pop in for a cup of tea after work I think that’s excessive.
He has mentioned in the past but only briefly that it’s great I support his relationship with his mum and he knows he hasn’t cut the cord from birth!.
i do really feel for her as well as she is lonely but I don’t think it’s fair to expect a partner to be happy with so much contact.

Like I said, OP, you have different views on what is a normal level of contact with your family. No one is in the wrong. You don't have to be happy with how much contact he has with his mother, no matter what you think he expects. It is controlling, in my opinion, to try and make your partner reduce contact, especially when they are happy with their family relationships and how much they give. You do not need to stay. You say it feels good when you get his attention, but its not enough. You either take the good with the bad and accept him, or you leave and find something that suits you fully.