AIBU to accuse DP & Family of Double standards

[ThatAquaBee]

I'm at my whits end currently!
DH and I have been together 25 years, married for almost 20. We have a DS who is in his late teens now.
Recently I've been feeling so much resentment towards DH and the inlaws.

They are very judgemental people, in the early days of our relationship, I had a few Family problems and the inlaws took it upon themselves to share their opinions on my situation with DH and I. As I was only in my late teens at the time and already upset with my own family I chose to ignore their comments and concentrate on my own and DH relationship and moving into our first home together.

After we moved into our first home the inlaws gifted us money, my family aren't as flush as DH family and this was seen as my family not caring which couldn't be further from the truth! This caused arguments between myself, my husband, my family and his, as they aren't shy in voicing there opinions.

Its been an uphill struggle from there on. There's been accusations that my family are never there for us and whilst there is a small element of truth to this, (mainly due to the opinions of DH and inlaws causing ruptions early on) overall we do have a good relationship with my immediate family. I've been told by my family if we need help to just ask but I don't like to be a burden so more often than not I don't ask.

DH gets annoyed at this as he says they should know I/we need support and offer it anyway! This is a family who only look out for themselves and constantlyin each others pockets! DH, BIL, MIL and FIL!! DH has to always get the family involved in our personal, financial and health matters but wont have my family involved what so ever. When I get annoyed with this and him going to them, I get at least my family cares! They don't they want their DS to themselves. Recently FIL brought up in conversation we've helped you out alot financially. This came completely out of the blue and had me thinking the money we were supposedly gifted over the years is actually a transactional gesture. I've always been very appreciative of any money they have gifted us, never expected anything from them and always thanked them!

I've had 25 years of Double standards and its all becoming very tiring! DH, DS and I have a lovely little family unit when extended family aren't involved but as soon as DH has his family round or we're all out together he's a completely different person. I don't know what to do for the best! I love DH but I can't go on living my life on his families terms!

Any advice or reassurance would be greatly appreciated! Feeling very lonely at the moment as I can't vent to my own family as it would cause yet more drama and friends (wives of our couple friends) are busy with their young families and I'm wary of venting to them.

Your husband seems to be very enmeshed with his parents. That’s your number one problem.

How in the past have the PIL known a hand-out was needed? You receive, then often you are beholden to the giver. Your H simply needs to cut the strings a bit with his parents and concentrate upon where his real loyalties should lie, his own family. A bit late in the day granted. I suspect you have an uphill battle with him.

How convenient that he has basically got you to avoid reaching out to your family if there are issues, yet it's fine if HE reaches out to his??

It really sounds like they collectively bully you, OP.

I'd recommend speaking to a therapist. And maybe see if your DH is open to therapy as well.

Good luck and I'm really not surprised you feel the way you do. It sounds like an exhausting situation to have put up with, and for so long, too.

They are aware as DH is constantly informing them of our financial status. Then I feel I cant say no as he has already accepted said gift. There's so much more but it would take weeks to type it all down.

I think as my own family has no boundaries and also due to work commitments growing up, we were latch key kids. There was no financial lessons from my parents. It was we either had money or we didnt and when we did it was spent.

DH on the other hand had a more structured supportive upbringing. MIL was a SAHM and FIL worked in quite a high powered job. When I first met DH I thought this was a lovely upbringing that id never experienced and friends had had this type of upbringing so I thought that my family were in the wrong. As ive gotten older and had DS, I've realised its quite different and one style doesn't fit all! I feel now that its quite a controlling family dynamic which im really struggling to navigate now.

Hi thank you for your reply which I’ve just read.

I still maintain the problem lies with your husband and his over-involvement with his family, especially relating to your finances, & probably a whole lot more!

In discussing your financial situation with them, which yr H should not be doing, and then receiving their handouts it does give them a perceived level of control, it gives them knowledge which they shouldn’t have. They are, if you like paying the piper and calling the tune.

I see your upbringings re money were different, however, that doesn’t negate the fact that you and yr husband are now a unit, his loyalties lie first and foremost with you. You make financial decisions together, these decisions should never be between him and his parents. Some distance between him & his parents for the sake of your marriage is most definitely called for. He won’t like it, but running to Mummy & Dad discussing all, is childish and unpalatable.

I suppose you could look at it from their perspective. If their son comes round and says he's struggling, then they will naturally want to help out (or maybe they think your husband is hinting at them?) but after a while will be thinking 'hmm, this is adding up, why do they need so much help' and 'are her family being asked/hinted at, or are we only being asked because we've got money?' I guess a bigger question is, why have you needed multiple financial handouts - or are you sort of saying in your post that actually, you didnt need it and would have managed without, but your DH shares your business, they offer, and now you are feeling annoyed because you thought they were doing it out of generosity, when actually you are realising that they thought you wouldn't cope without it and you are realising your DH isnt saying no/not directly asking for money but hinting and they've taken it as 'we need you to nail us out'? Sorry if ive got the wrong end of the stick.

Your problem is your DH who involves his family in your financial affairs and personal business and accepts money from them. His lack of boundaries is the issue.

Your husband is wrong to discuss your joint finances with anyone except you. Assuming you're now probably in your 40s, isn't he ashamed to still be accepting handouts from his family? I think he is the problem, and I would struggle to respect him, tbh.

We can more than manage fine without their handouts. My issue is him going to them and telling them every little detail of our lives.

Ultimately I am the one who has put up with this so it Ultimately lies with me. Its just so frustrating

So what is he accepting the money for? Or is he telling them its for bills etc, then telling you they've gifted it for holidays? Just strange that your in laws are calling it 'financial help' which indicates they are giving it believing its for essentials, but you know you dont need the money.... have they referenced what they think the money is going on specifically, in front of you or to you at all?

Are they actually malicious and controlling? Or do they have different types of relationships? You seem quite , my business is business, very independent, expect nothing, ask for nothing, need nothing type of person. Your husband seems to have a closer relationship with his parents , with lots of sharing, support and involvement(very possibly a bot too much). You seem to be complete opposites on this one. Most people would be somewhere in the middle.

I think there is a balance. Your family sound very hands off and his sound involved and interested. I think you have to try to meet somewhere in the middle

How old are you both?

It would drive me absolutely nuts to have a husband constantly telling his controlling family every detail of my life. I wouldn’t be able to put up with that.

She says in the threat they've been together 25 years and met when she was in her teens.