I have a 3 year old. I’ve left my partner because he’s addicted to cocaine

[Iloveflowers2002]

Hey MN.

I know what to do, but I need help knowing HOW to do it. Give me your sage advice please. Especially people who have been through similar.

My partner of 10 years is addicted to coke. He brought a baggie of drugs into the house, I found it in his jeans. it wasn’t the first time (I know) but it was the first time they’d been somewhere our child could have found them. That was enough for me, I’ve broken up with him and we will figure out living separately. He is currently no longer in the house.

We have a joint mortgage which as of now I cannot afford by myself because I haven’t worked for 3 years while I raised our child who has additional needs. Said child will be starting nursery in September so gradually my capacity to work will increase. My plan is to long term buy him out of the mortgage.

Should I contact a family lawyer? Right now my ex is being very apologetic and co operative. How did you work out visitation if you’ve ever been through this? Does the lawyer do it or is it something I can decide? I’d love to hear from you if you used a family lawyer/or didnt.

and as for the emotional side, I’m feeling so much. I feel guilt at ‘taking away his son’ even though I’m doing this for our child’s safety. I feel awful that hes without a place to live even though it’s his drinking and drug use that has got him here. Any words of advice on that stuff also hugely appreciated. Thank you!

dont feel bad or guilty. His own decisions have got him to this place. Well done you for getting him out of the house and ending it. He will plead to say hes done with it etc but i wouldnt believe it. Well done for putting yourself and child first. Stay strong

Thank you so much. I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s so nice to be encouraged and to be told I’m not crazy. Thank you I will keep protecting my child

You’ve absolutely done the right thing, for you and your child. These feelings of guilt you are feeling, is because you are a good person. But you’ve given him more than enough chances and he can’t have anymore. He needs to seek help for his addition, but you can’t save him, he has to save himself.
Definitely get some legal advice about the house, maybe speak to your lender if you’re unable to pay the mortgage for a while, unless your ex is going to be covering payments still. Contact UC to see if you are eligible for any help, you can even check on a benefits calculator if you’d get anything before applying with UC. Get your council tax updated to single occupancy discount. If you are eligible for UC, you will be eligible for help to cover up to 85% of childcare costs before the gov funded hours kicks in, and then further discount when you get the gov funded hours, so that will help if you want to start looking for work sooner. You may be eligible for a grant to pay for upfront nursery fees when you just start a new job, I forgot what it’s called but it’s arranged via the job centre, so if paying upfront for nursery in order to start a job is a concern, there is help with that until UC pays out as UC is always backdated.
Make a list of all the ways to help/protect yourself financially and tackle that list, as understanding where you are financially and being as financially stable as possible with a plan moving forward, is the most important thing now. The rest will fall into place such as co-parenting etc.
Once you face things head on and start on that plan, you will feel more in control, even if it takes a while to feel like you’ve come out the other side.
Trust your decision, trust the process and keep moving forward. Things may be tough for a while, but not forever.
Thats the practical side… Emotionally, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need, lean on support if you have it, be kind to yourself. You’re being so strong, but allow yourself to be vulnerable too when the moments arise. Things will get better… ♥️

I moved out after coke on kitchen surfaces in the morning. (It was his place). It's the only option. Your number 1 job as a parent is to keep your child safe. We ended up in court, he was ordered to have hair strand drug test. Doesn't mean it will have to go that way for you but don't feel bad or guilt - you are not stopping dad having a relationship, you are keeping your child safe

One other thing to consider to have in the back of your mind in times of weakness- if you let him back and knowingly allow his drug habit around your child and SS find out you knew, they most likely will take your child from you. Good luck, you sound a really strong person and a great mum

It is never acceptable to use illegal substances, its even more unacceptable to bring drugs into a home where children reside.

You have done absolutely the right thing, protecting your child not only from the drugs themselves, but from a junkie user and the chaos that lifestyle can bring into people's lives.

Well done, you are amazing doing this.

Sorry for being short & snappy but just wanted to mention you may be able to get DLA for your child, if not already doing so https://www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children which could help with the finances

You are a diamond. SUPER helpful reply. Thank you for taking the time. You’ve no idea how much you’ve helped

I forgot to add, unless your ex agrees to cover mortgage payments, even in replacement of child maintenance, make sure you understand what you’re eligible to in terms of child maintenance. If he is willing to pay what it’s needed, there is no need to go down the CMS route. But if he is being difficult, make sure you claim CMS. You can also check the CMS website to calculate what he should be paying based on his income if you know it. But like I said, claiming via CMS shouldn’t be necessary unless he refuses to pay.
If you are unable to keep up with your mortgage payments, please contact your lender. They have procedures in place to support you in financial difficulty and being in communication with the lender prevents repossession orders being put in place.
Hope you’re ok ♥️

Well done. You have one million percent done the only sensible thing.

My ex partner died from his coke addiction . The coke always come first even before his health . It’s a very expensive habit and that money could be spent on his child . You are totally doing the right thing . People with addictions are selfish and can only think of themselves . You and your child will NEVER be his priority . Just keep remembering that .

Just wanted to say good on you for leaving and please don’t feel any guilt at all. You’re doing the right thing.

Well done. Good to see you putting your child and yourself first.
It's not always easy especially if your child has additional needs. Apply for universal credit asap or change to a single claim. Also see the previous poster about DLA. There are services to help claim as it doesn't go off diagnosis but care needs.
U can also claim carers element within UC if DLA is awarded. There is a backlog for claims so do this as a priority. Sorry if you already claim DLA just want to make you aware. And also others in same situations. Ideally don't get him to pay mortgage in lieu of maintenance. Keep both separate.

Wishing u support and keep positive and post here for advice.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m following this thread as I’m going through something very similar and found these replies to be so helpful and motivating. I found out my partner (not married) has a coke problem in May, he promised to get help, I let him stay, then I found out yesterday it’s not gone away (silly me for believing him really!). I’ve asked him to leave, we have a 2 year old and I will not have that around my child. She deserves better! But I’m terrified to do this alone, I also have terrible guilt that I’m breaking up the family (even though I know it’s not me doing it). He also doesn’t want me to tell anyone because he’s embarrassed, which is very lonely for me (and adds to the selfishness of it all tbh!). Sending lots of support to you, you’re amazing, a great mum and not alone. I hope you have lots of support around you

Hey honey, im so so so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to have your life pulled apart like this because of someone else’s addiction. You’re doing such a good job. Just in case it’s useful I can tell you what’s happening with me. I left on the 1st of august. It’s been up and down. Incredibly hard but now I’m starting to see it’s so much better. My partner had the same thing, he didn’t want me to tell anyone. That’s the shame part of the addiction. But you deserve support and help. I will say that therapy has helped me enormously. I got it for free through a music addiction charity (im in the music industry) I wonder if we could find you some free therapy somewhere so you have someone to talk to? Also the organisation ‘Al anon’ which is for family members of people who have a problem with alcohol. I might be repeating things you already know but they have ‘the three c’s’ you didnt Cause it, you can’t Cure it and you can’t Control it.

i’ve found that under a lot of my actions in regards to my ex were those three c’s. I was trying to cure him, I was worried I would make it worse if I left. I’ve realised that his behaviour is his own and im not responsible for minimising it, even if that means telling people so I have support.

im really sending you all my love. Please know that you’re not alone and thank you for your kind words. Living with an addict is hell and it really did a number on my nervous system. Everything was foggy, I couldn’t think clearly.

all you have to do is focus on one step at a time. Focus on you and your little one. We’re gonna get through this and have really lovely happy lives. Message me anytime x