Total lack of romance, barely any physical affection

[Iwanttoremainanon]

Dh and I have been together for about 13 years.

We haven't had sex for just over a year. We never even kiss.

We occasionally hug when I initiate this.

I used to try and initiate sex but got fed up of rejection and am now often not that bothered myself - would rather go to bed with a book!

We do however get on very well, rarely argue and have lots in common and interesting conversations.

I feel sad about the lack of physical affection. I know this isn't uncommon having seen other threads on here.

I feel very unattractive to dh.
Any advice?

it is so hard to know what is the right advice.

The obvious question is- does he have low libido, is he ill/depressed/got erectile dysfunction etc., or is it you that he doesn't want?

How was sex etc before? Has anything changed to make this happen? Do you have children?

Have you talked to him about it? Does he know you feel upset?

I can only suggest you talk to him and see what he says.

Definitely isn't depressed.

He does seem to have a low libido.
Never been sex mad type.
Sex between us never wild but ok at the start. Got a bit stilted and awkward and since ds has been few and far between but even before was pretty infrequent.

We have talked about the sex thing recently - we both think that we just 'never get round to initiating'. I think it's been so long there is an awkwardness and I'd feel very self conscious.

I do know what you mean about feeling awkward. it is true that the longer you don't, the more you feel happy with that- and the more you do it, the more you want to. Or so they say!

The "classic advice" is timetable it and make a time when you get together- such as an early night. Whether this would work for you, I don't know.

Maybe you need to talk more and see how far apart you are in what you want- if he is happy with once a month and you are maybe a 3x a week girl, then it's never going to be easy.

Would you be happy with more affection or does it have to be full sex? he could learn how to be affectionate.

How does he respond if you make the first move- does he reject you? If so, question is - why? Is he just not wanting sex or can' t he be bothered? Latter is a bit selfish.

are you sure he is not depressed?

this book has given a friend of mine in your situation a lot of help.

Hi
He definitely isn't depressed Dressmeup. I just know he isn't.
Firstly he is just the last person who I know who would be - he has a very positive view of the world. And secondly I just know him too well.

If the world were about to end he would be the least depressed person around and would see the bright side - a good attribute!

Hls - if I make the first move to be affectionate, it depends. He is not a very physically affectionate person. He will give a half decent hug in response to mine.

He is the way he is and having discussed it with him quite a lot I don't think he will change much. A little bit is all I can hope for I guess!

were you aware of this before you married? Is it enough of a problem to make you want to leave him?

I know it's a tricky one, but I do think he could make more of an effort to be affectionate, even if he doesn't feel like sex.

We went through a similar situation which lasted for many years. It began becasue we both had different health conditions which made it difficult but continued because we 'got out of the habit'. When I eventually told him that I could not continue like this, to begin with, he said he didn't feel that way anymore, even thoughhe loved me. I told him I needed to feel loved and wanted physically,I have weight issues which causes me to be very insecure about myself and rejection only compounded that. We talked about splitting but neither of us wanted that. He said that he would try to rekindle the physical side of our relationship and bless him, he has not let me down. We have both had to make adjustments, including finding other ways to please each other occasionally,but I am so glad we persevered. Recently he has told me that he can't believe he ever thought he didn't want to be physical with me and that he really enjoys that side of our relationship, more actually than when we were first married. I know he isn't just saying it because he shows it as well. He frequently initiates lovemaking, but also, as soon as he gets home from work he kisses me in a loving way, he touches me at every opportunity and when we can get the (teenage) kids out of the way,there is lots of loving going on! I read a book called 'The Sex Starved Marriage' which was really helpful, because it explains both points of view, ie;the high AND the low libido. It gives lots of suggestions for both and I am sure some of the suggestions helped us to get back on track.
We have been married for nearly 30 years and trust me, neither of us is going to waste enother minute of whatever time we have left together.
I am sure that if you BOTH want to, your marriage can also get back on track, as long as both of you are prepared to work at it and to make some comproises.
Good Luck.

Oh yes, one of my compromises is to lose weight. NOT at his request, but because I want to look and feel better and because he has never made it an issue for me. So far I have lost nearly 4st!

justdidn'tthink well done !

Justdidn't - i think I'll look into getting that book.

Dh and I really need to invest time and effort in resolving this issue - I think the problem is that because we get on well day to day and are happy together otherwise, it's easy to brush it under the carpet.

You may be right, we also get on brilliantly and were otherwise very happy together. In fact, anyone who knows us in RL would be totally amazed if they knew what had happened. I think that made it harder to deal with it in a way, because I felt that I had so much to lose if it didn't work out. Throughout all those years, we never stopped loving each other, or showing that love, just not physically and I think that is also important. I don't know that I would have been so bothered or inclined to deal with it with quite the same level of commitment if one or both of us had fallen out of love with the other.
Just one more thing, sometimes he is more 'ready' first thing in the morning, so occasionally I make a point of waking early and making sure he wakes up with a smile on his face ( if you see what I mean!) Also, we hardly ever leave the bedroom until lunchtime at the weekends. We have both realised that the jobs that need doing around the house are nowhere near as important as the job of giving ourselves time to relax and enjoy each other!