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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stuck in limbo with marriage- possible abuse

15 replies

TidyUser · 13/08/2025 16:05

Hi. I just wanted to seek some advice because im really struggling with ym situation. Im in my mid 30s and got married last year after 2.5 yesrs of dating. Ive got a demanding job which dictates where I live in the country for a period of training and I explained this to my husband from our second date. He always promised me he would support my career and wanted me to succeed. He lives in london and is a city worker with flexible working arrangements. A month after the wedding I got allocated to be in my hometown and we bought a house there to facilitate my training while husband was going to either commute or live with family on the days he needed to be in the office (3 days a week). A few things went on in the run up to buying the house without him requiring me to out my half of the deposit down first snd then after this he tried to withdraw the purchase and his mother got involved and they both wanted my absolute assurance that we would move back to london as soon as my training contract was up which I agreed to but I found the demands quite difficult at that stage. Husband then put the money down eventually and moved into our home with a few belongings but not everything. He tried living here for about 3 months but then decided that he didn't like the house and doesn't like the atea and wanted a divorce. He became quite emotionally abusive. Over the next 5 months he then became very verbally and emotionally abusive resulting in me taking significant time off work for stress. Owever he has been brought up in a dysfunctional family and the whole fsmily often dwear and shout at esch other so i didnt think much of it at the time. Over the last few weeks he has said he didnt want a divorce and nkw thinks we should remain separate but wants to be friends. He has come up with an idea where we go back to dating and seeing each other at the weekends and then in 3 years time I move to london to be with him. Im really struggling to decide what to do and manage my emotions. Im all over the place. I cry all the time, my mood feels very very low. I am struggling to accept the loss and feel awful when im not in contact with him. However when we do have contact I feel a bit better. How do I move forward with this as im totally lost? And what i find now is that on the days I have no contact with him i feel absolutely awful and horrific and cant cope with the feelings of heartbreak whereas on the fays weve had a bit of contact it feels soothing to an extent but not fully the same as what it was when we were a couple.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/08/2025 16:23

You’re asking if you should remain in a relationship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused you, wanted to divorce you, and now wants to remain friends, with a view to restoring the relationship in a few years time? Are you joking?

OhWhatIsLife · 13/08/2025 16:58

Divorce him. Simple. You will not have a happy life with this man. Sounds like he would get nasty in a divorce so I’d do it quickly so hopefully it can just be a clean break and you don’t have to argue about splitting finances etc.

AgentJohnson · 13/08/2025 17:01

You’re asking if you should remain in a relationship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused you, wanted to divorce you, and now wants to remain friends, with a view to restoring the relationship in a few years time? Are you joking?

Nailed it.

Justlikestartingover2 · 13/08/2025 17:06

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so low. I can understand how difficult and horrible this situation must be. You’re clearly living in some sort of limbo, in a zombie relationship, with a promise of a better life in 3 years. I think you probably know that this man is acting unreasonably, to say the least.
You might feel ‘soothed’ when you spend time with him but you have also said it is not the same as when you were a couple. It seems hard to think that it will ever be the same again, given his behaviour. I’m sorry that this man has let you down badly. I would focus on working out why you can’t manage without contact from him (the answer lies in you and not that this man is wonderful) and take some steps to build your confidence and independence. Look after yourself. I hope you have some supportive friends and family.

ScrollingLeaves · 13/08/2025 17:13

When he is away and you feel awful, that is you feeling the truth - anger and mourning, as you should.

When you are with him, and feeling everything is fine, things aren’t really actually ok. That is just muffling and pretending for a little.

He does not sound right for you at all. You could be free. Let him go and don’t look back.

CathyJaneBill · 13/08/2025 17:40

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/08/2025 16:23

You’re asking if you should remain in a relationship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused you, wanted to divorce you, and now wants to remain friends, with a view to restoring the relationship in a few years time? Are you joking?

Not sure there is anything else to say 👏

MJ1980 · 13/08/2025 18:22

You are not happy. Hes a cock and has shown you who he is. You would be a fool to continue. Divorce.

TidyUser · 13/08/2025 19:44

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/08/2025 16:23

You’re asking if you should remain in a relationship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused you, wanted to divorce you, and now wants to remain friends, with a view to restoring the relationship in a few years time? Are you joking?

I know it doesn't make sense. It's because he only turned abusive after we bought the house and prior to thst we'd had a good relationship and to me he was my Knight in shining armour. Despite everything he has put me through I feel like I still love him. Hes abusive 10% of the time I would say but when hes nice hes the man I fell in love with. I cant explain it but I feel like I dont have the strength to leave and my anxieties are made worse because I really wanted to be a wife and a mum and by exiting this relationship at 35 I feel like those hopes and dreams will be dashed. I know it doesn't make sense but I do really love him and he tells me he does love me even if its in his own way which then makes it hard to leave. The bit that worries me is that all this has happened in our first year of marriage and my concern at the moment is that with his behaviour im not sure hes a reliable person who will stand by me in 30 years time but if you'd asked me this question even just 5 months ago I would have still said to you thst he wouldnt leave me and wouldnt break my heart.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/08/2025 20:37

TidyUser · 13/08/2025 19:44

I know it doesn't make sense. It's because he only turned abusive after we bought the house and prior to thst we'd had a good relationship and to me he was my Knight in shining armour. Despite everything he has put me through I feel like I still love him. Hes abusive 10% of the time I would say but when hes nice hes the man I fell in love with. I cant explain it but I feel like I dont have the strength to leave and my anxieties are made worse because I really wanted to be a wife and a mum and by exiting this relationship at 35 I feel like those hopes and dreams will be dashed. I know it doesn't make sense but I do really love him and he tells me he does love me even if its in his own way which then makes it hard to leave. The bit that worries me is that all this has happened in our first year of marriage and my concern at the moment is that with his behaviour im not sure hes a reliable person who will stand by me in 30 years time but if you'd asked me this question even just 5 months ago I would have still said to you thst he wouldnt leave me and wouldnt break my heart.

Edited

If you had a daughter, or son, and they got married and told you their spouse was abusive 10% of the time, would you tell them to end the relationship? Or would you convince them to stay and continue being abused, and perhaps have children and expose them to that abuse?

OhWhatIsLife · 13/08/2025 21:07

And that’s how abusive relationships work. Lovely in the beginning. Now abusive 10% of the time. Give it another year and that percentage will go up. As will your tolerance if you’re not careful

MJ1980 · 13/08/2025 22:26

For christ sake, so because your 35 your going to settle in an abusive relationship and also bring kids into this?! God help you. Weve given you advice but youre not willing to listen 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/08/2025 13:58

I really wanted to be a wife and a mum and by exiting this relationship at 35 I feel like those hopes and dreams will be dashed.

You've a much better chance of fulfilling those dreams by getting out of this sham of a marriage and trying to meet someone who loves you, than you have by staying.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/08/2025 14:09

Is he paying for his half of the mortgage?

AlexaAdventuress · 14/08/2025 16:07

Doesn't look good to me. This won't be the last dilemma you face as a couple. These kinds of issues - what to do for a living, how to pursue a career, where shall we live, and so on are part and parcel of everyday life. So if he can't sort that out without becoming hostile and abusive then the prospects are poor, I'm sorry to say.

Summertimesadnessishere · 13/09/2025 16:38

remember the phrase you get what you settle for.

I know you are anxious my love but that is because the emotional and verbal abuse has eroded your self worth. Perhaps you are making excuses for why he has done it- it’s only 10% etc.

Decent men don’t do this. If you tolerate this - and you have kids the pressures will increase and so will the abuse and it will be much harder to leave. You may have 2 kids and financially more difficult. He may hurt your children aswell.

The problem with men like this is not a psychological in nature- it’s a the way he thinks. He feels entitled to verbally and emotional abuse you. This is a behaviour in a man that’s very hard to change. You are vulnerable right now and susceptible to more abuse as a result and therefore when he offers ‘breadcrumbs’ you feel slightly better and hopeful. As the expression goes ‘hope is the last thing to die’ .
You are in danger of normalising his behaviour. I would get some counselling/ women’s aid/ DV type support now. Try to do everything you can to build up your self worth. Remember the time before you met him and reach for that brave person inside of you. You can get out of this. Yes it will be scary at first but within 1-2 years most even difficult divorces tend to be settled and you still young enough to meet someone else and have children. Think about your future self now very carefully. Keep believing in a more positive future for yourself- as it IS achievable and you are a capable person and can achieve that. Do not settle for abuse. Ever. That is your line. You can be happy with a non abusive partner. You. An also be happy on your own. You need to find the love for yourself and show yourself the compassion and kindness you deserve.

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