depressed husband is killing me

[brightsmiles]

after posting on other people's I thought it was time I did my own...

don't know where to start so I'll be brief my DH left me and my daughter at Christmas he was suffering from depression amongst other states of mental health I went through hell as he wouldn't speak to me he been living with his family sister cousin friend u name it (sofa surfing) I helped him to go to a private therapist which helped a little then he had 10 sessions at MIND. I have tried my best to help him and to try and get him home he says he need time to sort his head out and is not ready to come home. it breaks my heart as he comes 2 or 3 times a week and I make his tea we talk on phone text and nothing seems to work he hasn't took any of his belongings out of house most of the time he just has same clothes on and is unshaven.. I don't know what else to do I have said that I'd help him and if he wants a permanent seperation or divorce he should say and we can deal with it.but he keeps saying he doesn't want that but nor does he want to come home and at weekends sometimes we'll most times we never hear from him I feel like I'm losing my mind I'm so so sad and don't know how long I can cope.. anyone else been through this or I'm I the only Loser there is? thanks in advance x

Its difficult if he is genuinely struggling with depression, but also not fair on you and your daughter.
Would it be worth giving him a timeline as to what you want to happen next/what is an acceptable period of time for you to continue to live like this before you make a decision that is best for you and your daughter?

Has he had a diagnosis?

yes he is on anti depression tablets and was diagnosed with ptsd he suffered a heart attack 2 years ago and the depression seemed to start from then

Depression is very common after a heart attack. If you want to remain married then encourage him to get help. It doesn't sound like the medication is working so it would be an idea for him to either try something else or have it adjusted.

I tried everything from private therapy to telling him to go back to doctors I've read books to try and understand what he's going through things to say and what not to say but I'm so drained and sad that it's just going on and on and on. he still works and goes out drinking with his pals on a weekend and doesn't come to c me or daughter 8 month in and no further forward I'm the only one running the house bills and I work and look after our daughter it's like he doesn't care about us anymore. I know it's an illness but I'm at my wits end

Sorry but being well enough to work, maintain friendships and enjoy social events doesn't go with someone who is so seriously depressed he can't live with his wife and child.

It sounds like he is enjoying his single life but can't quite own up to you that he doesn't want to be a husband and father anymore.

OMG he's just living the single life and stringing you along @brightsmiles

Tell him you want a divorce and go to see a solicitor.

That puts quite a different complexion on it. If he is able to work and socialise but not to play his part as a husband and father then I would seriously look at separating.

Did I understand correctly - he is working but you are paying all the bills? For everything? While he heads to the pub? That's taking the piss.

"he still works and goes out drinking with his pals on a weekend and doesn't come to c me or daughter 8 month in and no further forward I'm the only one running the house bills "

He's still working and socializing and drinking alcohol when he's on antidepressants and that mix is not recommended?

Time to make some decisions and move on. File for custody and child support. Stop cooking him dinner. If he can work and socialize, he can do for his own meals. He can take visitation outside of your home.

Yes, depression is common after an MI but it's 2 years on and he's very likely sabotaging his treatment if he's drinking alcohol.

he does give me money towards some bills but it's not his full wage obviously as he needs money too but this is how I'm struggling with mortgage etc as he was the main bread winner.. I feel such a fool for letting him pull the wool over my eyes so much he does have mental health problems but I think I'm being took for an absolute mug..

Maybe it might be worth you having some counselling of your own, as having to deal with this situation is going to be taking a severe toll on your own emotional health and wellbeing. Talking things over with a professional could help you decide what needs to be done. He is completely leaving you and your dc dangling, and that sort of relationship is unsustainable in the longer term.

Time to take him out of the equation OP. Make the decision you need to make for you. He is taking the absolute piss at this point.

I’d tell him that you understand he’s ill but you can’t wait around for ever,

He either comes back or you split with equal childcare. He sounds like he wants to maintain his single lifestyle.

With respect, OP, he has shown you that you cannot rely on him. You are struggling financially, bearing the sole burden of caring for your DC and unable to plan ahead while he is going out drinking with friends.

In your situation and after 8 months of this, I would prioritize certainty. I would assume that he's not coming back and that, if he does, he's established a pattern of behaviour and avoidance that could occur again in the future. That wouldn't be for me. So I'd be looking to move on with my life and get myself back on an even keel. If I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own, I'd give some thought to selling the house and buying somewhere more affordable for myself and my child rather than relying on someone who has shown himself to be unreliable. You deserve a life too and he's not entitled to assume you're going to be sitting around waiting for him and trying to make things better for him when you have a child to prioritize.

thank you to you all I've took everything on board what yous have said xxx