Living apart from DH and finding it much easier even with young kids

[Latkids]

Just looking to gauge thoughts, maybe hear experiences from those in similar situations.

Have been with DH for 6 years, married for 4 years. We have 2 young children under 2. He has a teenager from a previous relationship who was living with us. An opportunity arose for us to relocate to another city and we decided to go for it. Because of my DH and DSC's commitments in the city where we lived together, I've moved first with my 2 children and DH and DSC will be moving in the next few months. I've been here a few weeks now and although I miss my DH and sometimes wish we were all together, I cannot deny that living without them has been infinitely easier for me. This is crazy to think because I literally get an hour or two at most in the evening to wind down. My entire day is busy with the kids, and both are terrible sleepers so I'm contending with very broken sleep every night too. But there's so much less tidying up, less cooking and cleaning up the kitchen, there's more quiet- no PlayStation or football match playing the background, no one complaining about me adding certain vegetables to dinner (my teenager DSC is an incredibly picky eater), the laundry load is manageable. I take the kids out for walks or to do the grocery shop and there's no complaining, no one rushing me. Everything seems easier and it's making me reconsider my marriage.

I enjoy it when they visit- athough seem to need a day or two to reset myself and the house when they leave which is also worrying. I just wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar. I know my personality type and temperament has a huge part to play here, another thing is the fact that DH and DSC are much more relaxed around the house and don't pull their weight. Now sure exactly what I'm hoping for from this thread, but thanks if you read this far.

Can you pinpoint how much of this feeling is down to your DH and how much is your DSC? I think it would be more worrying if it's your DH.

So the big thing would be that they don't pull their weight.

Do you think that could change? And if not... do you think it's time to separate?

How does realising this make you feel? Sad? Surprised? Dreading them joining you? Hopeful you can change the dynamic so things are better once they move in? I’d examine all of that pretty closely and think about how to discuss it with him. Agree with a previous poster that it’s hugely relevant whether it’s DSC, DH or both that’s making the difference. Are the kids missing their dad?

I can identify with what you’re saying.
In the recent past I’ve begun living solo again and if I take his cheating and lying out of the equation, life is so much less troubling without living with a partner or DH.

In my experience, however much they contribute to joint living, however much they make you laugh and share the DIY, in reality if I extrapolate that, they are a millstone and my freedom now, albeit with great sadness, is totally emancipating.

I get you OP, I really do.

Is this a good opportunity to reset things? If they don’t pull their weight then make them when they move back in. Stop doing their laundry, cook a set meal and if they don’t like it then they can cook their own - take back control. I assume your DH is having to do all of this as you aren’t there?

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I expect you’re feeling more space to just breath and things like just having a quick salad for dinner rather than having to think about what to cook that everyone will eat (and not moan about). I also expect it’s the noise and expectation that you will sort things and are thd person who knows ‘everything’, so much so that they don’t think for themselves but ask you because it’s easier for them.

Do you work as well?

You need to talk this through with him, say that the time apart has made you realise how you do so much more than him, and that if the marriage is to continue, that he and DSC will need to both pull their weight with the housework so that it is fair. That is assuming that you are prepared to end the marriage if he doesn't step up.

You can also make other changes, Playstation could be in the bedroom on a quieter volume, with set hours for playing.

Teenager can be told to just leave what they don't like, but do not moan about it.

Can you financially afford to keep living apart? It seems to be working out really well for you, and going back to living together might make you resentful. And nothing hastens the downfall of a relationship more than resentment.

I would definitely give DH a massive heads-up that you have realised since living without him and DSC that you have become their default housemaid and domestic appliance and you are not prepared to do it any longer.

Tell him that he will need to change his ways and take full responsibility for pulling his weight / their weight. You will not be picking up his slack any more.

I think you need to talk to your DH and get him doing more tbh. I used to find the same as you but after a big reset with DH I now find that when he’s away there’s a lot more to do and it’s easier when he is at home as we share the load.
The part that is easier when he’s away is that I can do what I like without having to take his needs/wishes into account but I know that I wouldn’t want that all the time and would be lonely without him

Surely both Dh and DSC will be fully responsible for all housework, cooking, food shopping etc back where they are living and may realise how much you do for the family.

Stop thinking that if you end your marriage that you get to keep the status quo because it is very likely that Dh would want to have his children overnight and you may end up moving if you cannot afford the house you are currently in on your wage alone. I am feeling that you may be a sahm.

A serious chat to Dh and DSC about their laundry and general untidiness is needed. I do think you need to stop doing everything and start delegating. As a sahm there was no way I was raising entitled children who think someone waits on them hand and foot. Your DSC should start to do their own laundry. Mine are uni age and they definitely wear enough to make a load of washing for themselves every week. They also strip their beds and put their bedding in a wash together as well as their bathroom towels.

The one thing I will say is your own small children will grow up and probably play computer games and shout into a headset. Cut DSC some slack. Maybe a headset where they can hear themselves speak might help your DSC. Mine have those so no shouting here.

Ive come to see this i really agree. When you live together its relentless. But living apart you actually date and then benefit down time.

Thanks for your replies.

I think both DH and DSC are a problem, but maybe DSC a little more (I do a lot for them, more even then their father when I was living with them, yef I feel like I have little influence over their upbringing, they also have a weird relationship with their mum who they rarely see and it creates a strange dynamic in our step mother-step child relationship). I look forward to them visiting, and I like spending time as a family. I like the idea of our family. But the reality of maintaining the house (and my sanity) was getting too much. I have tried to speak to them both individually and together in the past and it hasn't really helped (or it helps for a short time them things return to how they were). Admittedly I had hoped that living apart might be a wake up call for them, but while things are probably a little harder (DH having to cook and do the laundry etc), he had to do that before I moved in with them when he was a single father. I suspect they too are enjoying not having me asking them to pick up food off the floor and to turn the TV down.

I don't really know where it leaves us. I couldn't live here alone. My little one is only 5 months old. I'm hoping to get back to work soon but won't be able to go full time for a few years.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

I think there are some things about having more people in a house that are simply unavoidable. It might not be reasonable to expect others in the house to be as quiet as you’d like all the time. One day your children will be teenagers too and are likely to be noisy.

Having said all that… blended families aren’t easy at all. You could perhaps choose to talk about continuing to live separately but still be in a relationship? There aren’t actually any fixed rules about this stuff.

YANBU. I felt exactly the same. Life was much easier without my ex.

No procrastinating, no negotiating, no disagreeing, Home was much cleaner & tidier. Things (mainly food and cleaning materials) didn't disappear without trace. No complaining and persuading.

Good luck in persuading your DH & DSS to change their ways. I wasn't very successful.

I would have to have a chat with him, when the two of you have some time and space.

Explain that you were really upset to realise him being home made such a lot of extra work for you. Point out that ideally, he would be making your life easier the bare minimum requirement from him as a dad is to make sure he isn’t making extra work for you.

How old is the teenager? Are they likely to be away at uni soon? Not in the sense of getting rid of them but presumably they are staying where they are to finish school or exams? The question is whether you want to potentially break up your marriage over what will be a short term situation? Or one confined to holidays at least.

Is there anything about the new house that makes integrated living easier - eg could the playstation be banished to a loft bedroom for example?

You will be going back to work, it's a new house and new location so it's also an opportunity for you to be less passive in all this and start *dishing out new roles and responsibilities to both your husband and your SDC.

As a teen, all I wanted was to be treated like an adult but I also wanted clarity on what I had to get done so I could buzz off and do my own thing instead of being endlessly dragged into chores. I would recommend [unless they are 13 but still worth thinking about] approaching the issue in a non-confrontational way. Everyone needs to pull their weight in a shared household. Plenty of people on MN will tell you that you shouldn't have to do the mental load of thinking about what needs doing and telling your spouse. I'd recommend doing it once and making it their thing even if you do end up with yours/his jobs. Just make sure they are not all on gender based roles.