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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t want my new boyfriend to meet my friend

18 replies

fantalemons · 12/08/2025 22:39

I think this is probably my fault since I brought it up first, but getting an outside opinion would be helpful.

At first, I had some concerns about my new boyfriend and whether our relationship would work because we’re so different. We have different personalities, views and interests. Plus, I don’t fit the type of woman he usually goes for (blonde, feminine, wears dresses and skirts). I’m a brunette, curvy, and typically wear gym clothes or jeans and tshirts. He’s always been really positive about our differences, saying he wouldn’t want to be with someone just like him because that would be boring, and he believes opposites attract.

I’ve struggled with insecurities about my appearance and self worth, and I initially thought he had settled for me and could find someone better. We’ve worked through these feelings, and I feel much happier and more content in the relationship, except for one thing. When we first started dating and I was unsure about our differences, I made a joke about my close friend being perfect for him because they share the same personality. It was a joke (she’s engaged too) and a pretty stupid one at that. I said it because I was feeling insecure and defensive.

Since then, he’s brought her up a few times and asked when we can go on a double date. I’m not sure if he’s interested in meeting her because of my comment and to see if he likes her or if he just wants to meet her since she’s my friend and part of my life. I talked to her on the phone this evening, and he asked, “Oh, was that the friend who’s like me?” “How is she?” My friend is also very beautiful, dresses in a way he likes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he found her attractive. She’s also asked a few times when she can finally meet him.

Am I just being paranoid? I keep putting it off and making excuses.

OP posts:
EaglesSwim · 12/08/2025 22:44

If he's likely to run off with a thin blonde the sooner you find out the better.

Double date ASAP. Most likely it will be fine. If it isn't you'll have saved yourself years of dead end relationship.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 12/08/2025 22:49

Isn't it better that you know? You can't keep him locked up. He's not with you because he's got no other options. He's with you because he wants to be with you.

fantalemons · 12/08/2025 22:50

Just want to add that my friend isn't blonde and is curvy like me, but she tends to dress a bit more feminine, which is what he likes, and she's also very beautiful.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 12/08/2025 22:50

Are you not what he likes?

fantalemons · 12/08/2025 22:53

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 12/08/2025 22:50

Are you not what he likes?

I think I am, but I am not as beautiful as my friend.

OP posts:
menopausalfart · 12/08/2025 22:54

If you want a long-term BF, then you need to know that you can trust him. Perfect opportunity. I know it's hard, but try not to let your insecurities spoil a relationship before it's even started. The beginning is supposed to be exciting!

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 22:56

You should probably keep him locked up in a tower or something.

Jellybean23 · 12/08/2025 23:07

You can't continue a relationship afraid a BF will go off with your friend or anyone else he meets. Let them meet and if he goes off with her, he was never going to stay with you anyway.

CatEyeHoodWinkle · 12/08/2025 23:13

Honestly, consider letting this one go, and go and find your self-esteem, apart from what a man thinks of you or what you believe he thinks of you.

You obviously feel like you’re punching above your weight with him, you’ve even voiced that to him. That creates a very real and very unhealthy imbalance in a relationship. Learn to love and value yourself. You are perfect as you are, but you don’t believe that yet.

BigOldBlobsy · 13/08/2025 08:29

CatEyeHoodWinkle · 12/08/2025 23:13

Honestly, consider letting this one go, and go and find your self-esteem, apart from what a man thinks of you or what you believe he thinks of you.

You obviously feel like you’re punching above your weight with him, you’ve even voiced that to him. That creates a very real and very unhealthy imbalance in a relationship. Learn to love and value yourself. You are perfect as you are, but you don’t believe that yet.

^^
It’s important to feel secure in yourself. There will always be women younger and more beautiful, lovely for them, doesn’t have to be a shame to you.

If you can’t trust him then it’ll sour the relationship anyway.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/08/2025 09:08

Give it enough time and your security levels might rise anyway the longer you're together; but do go on this double date find out. You can't keep them apart forever without losing one of them and at this point to be blunt it's kinda tipping over into controlling behaviour. Insecurity-based, but still controlling; you need to give yourself a bit of a nudge.

And keep working on your self-worth, either with him or without him. Everyone needs to feel valued by others, we are social animals unlike leopards, but you can't rely on others for all your self-worth ... I think you know this though.

Maddy70 · 13/08/2025 09:11

Honestly. It's your insecurity that will drive him away not because you have a friend that wears pretty dresses

Mumteedum · 13/08/2025 09:19

This is silly @fantalemons . Like pp said , if he's going to fancy someone else and drop you, better find out now BUT this is all of your own making. He is with you.

Women often think their friends are beautiful. Partners don't always agree. Also, I know lots of objectively good looking people who I don't find attractive at all.

Go and have a fun time. Be positive. A happy and positive person is more attractive than anything superficial.

DelilahMy · 13/08/2025 09:31

This is a very immature and way to be thinking. If anything, insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling behaviour are just as likely to motivate your boyfriend to end the relationship. And your friend would probably be pretty upset if she knew that you think so little of her that you don't trust her not to run off with your boyfriend.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/08/2025 09:50

Gently if you are genuinely concerned about this then I don't think you are ready for a relationship op. You have worth in your own right and he is lucky to have you. As is your friend. If ye out can't see it yet then spend time alone and learn to love yourself. You can't properly love someone else until you do and this self doubt is just going to end the relationship in the long run. Be confident in who you are and why he should be thankful to be with you.

Lmnop22 · 13/08/2025 09:58

Unless you were the most beautiful, attractive person in the whole world (which nobody is as everyone’s preferences are different!) your partner will always encounter people more “attractive” than you. The answer to this is to trust them not to prevent them from meeting people you think they’ll fancy!

Has your partner given you any indication that he would cheat or look at other women in that way? Sounds like this is all in your head and you need help for your self esteem issues before you ruin your relationship, blame it on how you looked and the self esteem issues get even deeper seated.

Lmnop22 · 13/08/2025 09:58

Unless you were the most beautiful, attractive person in the whole world (which nobody is as everyone’s preferences are different!) your partner will always encounter people more “attractive” than you. The answer to this is to trust them not to prevent them from meeting people you think they’ll fancy!

Has your partner given you any indication that he would cheat or look at other women in that way? Sounds like this is all in your head and you need help for your self esteem issues before you ruin your relationship, blame it on how you looked and the self esteem issues get even deeper seated.

Sassybooklover · 13/08/2025 10:05

If a man is going to go off with your friend or any other woman, than surely it's better to find that out now, rather than later?! If your boyfriend goes off with your friend, it shows she's definitely not your friend, and he isn't the man for you. You can't keep him locked up! He's out and about in public, and I'm sure isn't glued to your side, therefore he has plenty of opportunity, if he wanted it. The fact he hasn't disappeared, seems to show, he's happy with you. Don't let your insecurities destroy your relationship.

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