Help me understand why I’m irritable with DP after having missed him all week

[Washingwednesday]

DP and I have been together 8 years. Both in middle age, we live 50 mins apart so it’s a weekends and holidays set up mainly. This has suited us for many reasons - work, getting DCs through uni etc - and we’ve settled into a fairly settled ‘living apart together’ arrangement.

During the week when we’re apart I think about him a lot and we speak daily. I do miss him, but equally like my own space. Right from the start, I’ve noticed a strange shift in my moods when I look forward to seeing him and yet almost as soon as we’re together I get irritable, as if he’s getting on my nerves and I have to make an effort to be pleasant. This feeling fades within a few hours and generally we settle into having a nice weekend. Holidays are similar, for the first 24 hours or so, I’m on the verge of snapping for no reason and then I sort of ‘settle in’ with him.

Does anyone else experience similar? For a long time I thought it was down to my stressful job as I was exhausted by Friday night. However, I’m now semi-retired and only doing a couple of days a week in a much easier role so that can’t be it!

I think you’re just used to your own space, nothing more than that. Once you shift into couple mode, it’s fine too. Just takes a minute.

This. All of a sudden he's cluttering up your space (at least with his presence) and you're having to do things differently.

Then you remember why you like being with him.

Or at least, I hope you do! If not, there's your answer 🤣

@Washingwednesday , I think you're totally normal. I had a flatshare with another bloke when I was young, and we were great mates and had some great times together, but I tensed up when he came through the door. I can't really explain it, so I'm not much help. The fact you've recognised this phenomenon, and that it subsides after a short time, is a good thing.

One of my Indian Ringnecks is just like this. He loves the idea of other birds - is madly in love with his reflection and screams like a banshee and jumps up and down when he hears birds outside. But put an actual live bird in front of him, and he just can't be arsed.

Sorry, OP. Wasn't really comparing you and hubz to a parrot but just know you are not alone.

I love these replies, I feel less weird now and who’d have thought I have something in common with the bird world?!

@BBQBertha I’m going to remember the phrase ‘couple mode’ as I think that might help. I notice this feeling when I go to visit him, it’s not just when he comes to mine and ‘invades’ my space. I’m getting slightly worried that my default setting is ‘hermit mode’ and I’ve become too used to living on my own.

Lots of people struggle to deal with transitions. I sit in my car on the drive when i arrive home before entering the house. And have similar feelings to you when my partner or others come round.

My partner now is wonderful, 5 years together, but when he gets back from business trips I'm ratty and edgy with him. Hate it so I keep my distance for a few hours, but he seems to understand both that it takes time to adjust and that I wish it was different. One if the things that makes him great is that he accepts it and waits til it passes and things are normal again (God I appreciate him so much).

It's the transition phase, and more intense as you're so close to him. As long as it passes after a few hours, don't sweat it.

Would he understand if you talked to him about it? Tricky conversation!

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I'm not sure about speaking to him about, he's such a relaxed person generally and always seems happy to see me so I'm not sure he'd really understand what I'm on about!

It's been so helpful reading others' comments and I think just knowing that this is 'a thing' will help me in managing it.

I once spoke to someone about this and he described it as ‘re-entry problems’ and said most couples have this a little bit in their own ways. So even after a tiring day at work, you come home and they’re right there, and you just need five minutes to decompress before you want to chat.

Sounds like this, but magnified because you spend much more time apart than together.

Could it be resentment.... frustration that just being together causes upheaval. I don't like with my bf but stay at his once a week. Once there in fine but putting my bag together I almost feel sorry for myself like why can't we be a normal couple then it wouldn't be like this.