Heartbroken

[User08305972]

Hi all,

My partner and I broke up a couple of months ago. It wasn’t great due to many things and there were times when I really wasn’t happy but I was willing to try and work it out. He ended it and doesn’t want to get back together. I’m absolutely heartbroken and it feels like it’s just getting worse.

We have a 3 yr old together, so I’m worrying like mad thinking about what this is doing to him. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him so I have to see him quite a bit. Which I guess isn’t helping things as I can’t go no contact.

I went away with his family as it had been booked for ages a few weeks ago and I didn’t want my son to miss out. I wish I hadn’t it as it was just so hard. He seemed great and happy and I was just a mess thinking about what I had lost.

I also went on his phone and found messages to his ex asking to meet up etc. He said it’s just as mates but it has devastated me. I’m trying to hold it together for my son but I’m totally crushed. Please say this gets better.

it's still very fresh op - it's not unusual to still feel as you do.

perhaps you need to do something intentional to jolt yourself into the "moving on" phase - start a new interest, do something new/different that you haven't done before. something simple.

you'll get there - it will just take time

I understand that this is really difficult for you but I think you need a little distance. Keep everything polite and only be in contact regarding the little one. In hindsight the holiday was a bad idea and I am shocked you went on his phone and brought up his messages to him. You are broken up and it is none of your business who he messages. This was huge overstepping. You just need time and space to process. I hope you will feel a bit better soon.

I know, my head was just in a terrible place. I didn't bring it up, he guessed. In hindsight I should have never looked on his phone. And yes the holiday wasn't a good idea at all. It was like salt in the wound.

You can’t go no contact when you have kids but you can go minimal contact.

Plan who has your DC when, how they’ll be collected/dropped off and set a routine out. If you don’t want to see him, have a family member hand over your DC. That way you won’t have anything to talk to him about or any reason to see him.

It’ll be hard in the short term but so much healthier for long term progress!

Why would your DS have 'missed out' on the holiday? His Dad & extended family were there, you need to admit to yourself you went because you were trying to get him back
look it hurts,& it's shit, but you will get over it, it can't be the first time you've broken up with someone?!?! Yes it's more difficult when you have a child together, but you need to show DS that life is still good, not try to keep it the same.

you admit it wasn't great, now is your opportunity for life to be great, with of without a new partner! Don't waste any more life mourning this!

It does get better.
You need to consistently think of 2 things. What is best for my child and how will that impact my mental health/wellbeing.
If the benefit to your child doesn't outweigh the impact to you then don't do it, at least for now.
Things will change as you slowly process the loss of the relationship and you'll be able to cope more with interactions that were once difficult.
You will get there, promise. Little steps and don't berate yourself for the hard days.

Your child is very young, kids that age often adapt better than you think.

It's time to create a new normal for your 3 year old.

You and your ex have separate lives. You don't go on holidays together. Your holidays are now separate. The only thing you do together is coparent. You are civil when you see each other, that's it.

Set up a custody schedule depending on your % split and stick to that. Minimize any contact outside what is necessary for co-parenting. Do not have him do visitation or take any of his custody time hanging out at your place. You can use one of the family apps for communication.

You are not in a headspace to go on holidays or spend a lot of time with ex, it will upset you and ex if you do things like checks his phone and that will upset your son. You have a new routine and after a while, your son will adjust and likely not remember things being different if you stick to your routine.

If you felt the need to look at his phone I'm ok with that. I don't see why our phones are so sacred. Look at mine all you want. Not because I'm above reproach by any means. It's just the principle of the thing.

Unfortunately you found out something that sticks in your heart. That really sucks. Why can't people come through for us when it counts? Maybe sort themselves out so you aren't worried they've been hung up on somebody they used to know [sic]. Or at least delete texts that might hurt you yeah?

But I stand by your right to look at his phone. Sometimes it's the only way to get a straight answer so to speak.