I think I need to leave... but how?

[cantbelieveitscometothis]

For various reasons I don't want to go into, I think I'm at the point I need to leave my DH. We have 2 DC, 4 and 6m, and own our house. I just have no idea where to start. I'm currently on mat leave but going back when the baby is 9m, but earn well and have a decent amount in savings - as does he.

How do I do this while grieving the life I thought I'd have?

Speak to him? If he feels the same then plan accordingly

See a solicitor and take it from there.

He doesn't - he knows I'm unhappy and has said he'd do anything to stay together, but I'm just not sure it's fixable. I've agreed to counselling, but want to start thinking of a plan if it does work.

Who would move, you or him? Or both? Can you get anymore time off work? You might need it. You’ll be fine though, you sound clear

It’s all down to money. save save save. I think the mumsnet term is ‘ducks in a row’

I almost left when we had 4 yo and 9mo. Well I did for a period but ended up reconciling. I wouldn’t advise it. If you can wait a bit longer I think it’s easier for you. Doing it all solo is hard work. Kids missed their dad.

unless there is some huge reason to leave like he’s physically assaulted you, I’m not sure it’s the right decision. I would wait a while, work on things, make your life work for you, get things in a row at your end. Take your time. And if you really want to leave, wait til the opportune moment

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

Gather all financial documentation - bank statements, investments, pensions…. Everything

Go back to work/work full time (if you are not already)

See a competent - preferably recommended - family solicitor

File for divorce

If there isn’t any abuse or cheating or risk of harm to you or the children I always think it’s a bad idea to make decisions about a relationship with a baby under 1. Hormones and lack of sleep can give a very distorted view.

I’m currently divorcing and whilst it’s the right thing now for me I don’t advise it lightly. You do need to be sure you’ve tried everything.

This is interesting- thanks for sharing. There are a few things, the most long term is that he's lazy around the house and it feels as though everything falls on me, but he admitted to a ons while away with work not long after the baby was born and although not abusive did lose his temper with our older one the other day, proper shouting and it just made me really uncomfortable. He's never done that before though.

On the flip side, is this all just an adjustment period? I'm not rushing into anything just need to work out the option I think.

I think part of me is wavering - the easy route would be to stay put. At least we're financially very secure and can help the kids out when they're older if we stay together, and I can go out/see friends easily without the kids as he never stops me doing that and will look after both kids (as he should, but I see lots of men on mumsnet don't, so thought I should say that's not the case here!).

I just want what's best for the kids really. That's all I'm thinking of. And until he lost his temper I thought that was staying.

Hmm losing his temper is not good. But once, lots of families have that. Regularly is really not good and that causes the long term damage.

in terms of a lazy partner. I thought mine did 5% and I did 95%. But when I left and I had to do it ALL, I realised I’d rather have a spare pair of hands for some bath times during the week than never. I’d rather have 20:80 on weekend (which is the split I later realised it more likely was) than 0:100. At least while we had really really young children.
anyway I thought leaving would be mean in a cute small house I could decorate myself and I would be free of him etc. realised it wasn’t as romantic as that. Small house, counting pennies, still having to see my husband but he would be angry and horrible. Kids distraught (well 4yo) constantly asking me when we would be going home.

anyway the negatives outweighed the expected positives

I think most of those are reasons to move on, personally. I feel the laziness around the house after you’ve set out boundaries, expectations and told him in various ways what you need from him is XYZ (assuming you have), is an ongoing active choice to disrespect and disappoint you. This surely makes a mockery of the “I’ll do anything to make it work” line from him OP, no?
The cheating on you when he has a newborn baby makes him a real piece of shit with such a poor moral compass. I see your dilemma, hope whatever choice you make works out for the best

I agree with this.

If you can "rub along respectfully and happily enough" and it's not constant arguing or violence, I do think the best option is to stay married and together as a family unit until the kids are much much older.