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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

15 replies

NeedALittleWobbleOnTheHead · 12/08/2025 13:34

I am in a 5 months relationship. It progressed quite fast - we were on holiday within the first 2 months and met his parents during the same period. Something has been bothering me.
would you still carry on with the relationship knowing that during the first three months of the relationship he was talking to other people, an ex? Even though during this period there was the impression that he had blocked them? The messages did not suggest any form of physical/sexual contact happened, but it’s just bothering me that he might be getting an ego boost from it. The now ex has now been blocked and reported to the police (something happened). But i just feel he might have several other women he might be chatting with for an ego boost.
i dont know what im trying to say here but im just worried. Hes been nothing but amazing, kind but there’s this part of me that doesnt trust him 100%.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 12/08/2025 13:37

If I already had concerns about loyalty at this early stage I’d listen to that gut instinct and end it. Life is too short to be second guessing & worrying.

YodasHairyButt · 12/08/2025 13:38

You’re 5 months in and have gone in headlong by the sound of it. The truth is you don’t really know anything about him after such a short time. If you’re having doubts so soon, maybe it would be good to slow down. If you think he’s lied about blocking someone who he was definitely still in contact with, that would be a deal breaker for me so early on. Liars are not safe people to give your heart to.

needsalotterywin · 12/08/2025 13:41

Ok, so talking to the ex is a bit odd, unless it was an amicable split and they remained friends perhaps...do you know?
Regarding the possibility of your partner talking to other women, could you just ask him if he has female friends that he has regular contact with and if so, you'd love to meet them and get to know them too. If you think he's chatting to random women as it bolsters his ego, that's definitely a big Red flag.
Can I ask how old you both are?

TwistedWonder · 12/08/2025 13:44

Sounds like you’ve rushed in feet first and created a false sense of intimacy and now your rose tinted specs are clearing and the red flags are coming into view.

Trust your gut

NeedALittleWobbleOnTheHead · 12/08/2025 13:44

Thanks for the responses. I did know about her being blocked but did not know that they were chatting when we first met. A part of me wants to take it as, it was early on and maybe wasn't sure how far the relationship will last? Or im just being plain stupid. He has since taken actions that suggests that i am his priority in some other ways which I feel are quite bold.
Would you consider 5 months as being still early? Perhaps im assuming by this stage we should be soooooo close and know almost everything about the other person?

OP posts:
NeedALittleWobbleOnTheHead · 12/08/2025 13:46

He’s in his late forties and im in my late thirties

OP posts:
needsalotterywin · 12/08/2025 13:58

NeedALittleWobbleOnTheHead · 12/08/2025 13:46

He’s in his late forties and im in my late thirties

Ah ok, I only asked in case you were both very young and inexperienced, relationship wise :-)
I'd say 5 months is still quite new and you will have a lot more to learn about each other.
At the very early stages of your relationship, there is a difference between not telling you something because he wasn't sure how/if things would progress and blatantly lying to you. As others have said, trust your instincts - god knows I've ignored mine in the past and that's turned round and bitten me firmly on the arse!! x

TwistedWonder · 12/08/2025 14:18

5 months is very new and you hardly know each other. You’re still both on your very best behaviour and in the throes of lust.

Isnt it said it takes about 18 months to 2 years before you really know the true person?

TwistedWonder · 12/08/2025 14:19

Duplicate post

NeedALittleWobbleOnTheHead · 12/08/2025 15:40

I guess im thinking perhaps to give it a lil bit more time before pulling the plug if i have to?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 12/08/2025 15:46

He's love bombing you and talking to other women. In a 5 months thing.

What could go right?

DoesAnyoneRememberWhenDadsUsedBrylcreem · 12/08/2025 19:52

Sorry OP. So many of them seem to do this now (be in a relationship with one but keep in touch with their exes as back-up's).

I had an ex do this. I broke up with him and he kept in touch every 6 months or so. I was quite open that I was in a relationship so my reply always made that clear and just some general chit chat.

Anyway 2-3 years later I found myself single and contacted said ex. We met up and I was kind of shocked to realise he had been in a relationship with someone for 2 years whilst he was contacting me. Not once did he mention her.

Our relationship was quite short 6 months or so and we were never really good friends or anything. In fact we used to struggle to make conversation when we were supposed to be dating. So it wasn't a case of we were long time friends and so he wanted to keep in touch.

I just found the whole thing a bit grim. I mean why would he contact me and keep his relationship secret?

Anyway I saw him once or twice and then that was it (told him I didn't want to meet again). Over the next few years he contacted me twice and I ignored him. Didn't think much about it to be honest. Then I saw his flat up for sale and he was LIVING with a woman.

Oh and he was a policeman so clearly not the trustworthy sort I had assumed him to be either.

Anyway I could never go out with him again knowing this info. Perhaps it was the same woman and he got back with her or perhaps it was someone new. Either way with them both he was keeping in touch with me. God knows how many others he kept in touch with.

I'm sure he would say 'Oh well I never did anything I was just being friendly' and that is true he never said anything inappropriate. So he either wanted an ego boost, thought the grass was greener, was keeping me as a back-up or was hoping to get me back. Either way I felt sorry for his ex. When we were together I always felt he had one foot in and one foot out and so no doubt he was doing it to me as well.

Another different man who I was dating said to me a few weeks in he was meeting his ex for lunch. I said ok, I trust you. I thought it was a bit weird as they didn't go out together that long and he spoke badly of her. Yip you guessed it. 3 months later his neighbour told me she was spending nights at his flat when I wasn't there. So that relationship was doomed too.

I guess it's a judgement call but if he is the type to talk to exes (especially if he has kept it a secret) then he will probably do it again or with other exes. Hard to say why he does it or if he would cheat given the chance. Doesn't exactly make you feel good about yourself though does it. What did the ex do that the police had to get involved?

Sorry this is happening to you. It's really hard to get trust back once it's gone.

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2025 20:17

He was fast-forwarding things (holiday and meeting the parents), yet you are saying 'maybe he didn't think we'd work out?' If he wasn't sure if you'd work out, why did he introduce you to his parents and take you on holiday? Why didn't he take it at a more normal pace and let you know from the start that he was talking to others?

Because he does this to all his victims. Whirlwind romance so they don't have time to think. And then you are hooked, and will keep making excuses for him and explaining away the red flags.

He's got 'cheater and abuser' written all over him. It will never be easier to leave than now - you get bound to him tighter the longer you stay. He is 100% not worth the risk.

Suednymph · 12/08/2025 21:26

Why were the police involved with the ex?

Nameavailable · 12/08/2025 22:10

How did you find out he was talking to other people? Have you had the inclusive chat yet? If so I would say you would like total honestly and know each other's passwords on your devices.
This is what I'm doing next time... my ex was caught having an affair and the signs were there.

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