Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Anger issues in relationship

33 replies

Lassiedoggie · 12/08/2025 08:35

Namechanged.

Late 40s. Been with DH a long time - teen/young adult kids. He’s always had something of a short fuse, but this is getting much worse as he gets older, and I am now feeling like our marriage will end if he doesn’t change his behaviour.

We’ve just come back from a very nice holiday. DH has returned to some pretty intense work stress - though nothing that won’t pass- and as a result he seems to be losing his shit with me over the tiniest things on a daily basis. Shouting and hurling insults, impersonating things I say. It’s awful, and I cannot cope any longer.

Our lovely teenage kids just eyeroll at him and we have calmly discussed that he’s ‘stressed’ right now, but this isn’t acceptable to me, and I think it is very damaging to them in what it models etc.

Obviously he doesn’t behave like this with his colleagues or friends. I think our mutual friends would be shocked and appalled if they could see him in one of his stupid rages.

It would be one thing if this were a ‘one off’ due to the work stress, but this type of episode is increasing. As I say, he’s always been prone to losing his temper quickly. However, when we were younger it was MUCH less frequent and he would apologise very quickly and cool down. Now he doesn’t seem to bother. I am not sure he cares about how he makes me (or the DC) feel anymore tbh.

Our marriage has been broadly pretty good over the years (as I say his outbursts used to be rare, and he used to treat me kindly and respectfully most of the time). But I am thinking our lives might only become harder and more stressful as we get older. I do not want to be a 70 year old woman being shouted at on a daily basis.

Can anyone relate to this? And has anyone’s DH taken steps to change - perhaps getting anger management help? DH has always said he’d be unwilling to have any therapy- he’s had challenges with his parents and siblings that have upset him greatly over the years, but flat out refused to talk to anyone about it. I sense it might be the ultimatum I need to issue though.

Sorry this is long, but I’d love to hear thoughts and advice.

OP posts:

Bonden · 12/08/2025 11:03

If he won’t take action to change married life for the better then it’s over.
either at least 18 months of weekly counselling (in person), or anger management course. Otherwise - nope.

fwiw I was “the angry one” for the last few years of my marriage (I’m a woman) because I was avoiding facing reality which was I was deeply unhappy and frustrated. I left in the end and we are ALL so much happier and closer as a result

Bonden · 12/08/2025 11:05

Maybe The Hoffman Process might be an option - residential, intensive, vvv skillfully run. (For him not you!). Might seem an easier thing for him to say yes to. https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/the-process/

What is the Hoffman Process? | Hoffman Institute Foundation

Founded in 1967, the Hoffman Process is a week-long residential and personal-growth retreat that helps participants identify negative behaviors, moods, and ways of thinking that developed unconsciously and were conditioned in childhood.

https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/the-process/

FluffyWabbit · 12/08/2025 11:07

Lassiedoggie · 12/08/2025 10:23

@ComtesseDeSpair - thank you. Yes you are quite right - he doesn't behave this way with friends or colleagues (in fact most of our friends think he's a fun, lovely guy - and he can certainly be that, when he wants to be). You are also spot on about template modelling.

Unfortunately both DH and I didn't have the best examples ourselves - he went to boarding school from a young age and his parents are very difficult, he's not close to them at all. Both my parents are dead and both and had a history of addiction and mental illness. I am sure that I am far from perfect to be married to (none of us are) but the difference is that I understand the impact a screwy upbringing has, unlike DH who just seems to bury stuff. I have had therapy (this aligns with your brilliant and kind advice @Firstsuggestions , thank you) and have worked on myself not to impart my own issues onto our kids - as far as I can, at least. That's part of my resentment towards DH I think - why do I take all the accountability, and he just behaves (badly) as he chooses?

And fwiw, our kids ARE happy and thriving - doing very well at school/uni, with lovely friendships and my eldest is in a respectful, secure relationship with their partner. But increasingly I feel like raising them well is down to me.

@FluffyWabbit - thank you so much also. I have used those exact words to him 'don't use me as your verbal punchbag'. Weirdly if anything he has been exercising more than ever over the past year and has actually said it helps his stress levels! He's SO un-self aware. But in answer to your question, if I tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, which I often do, he will sometimes apologise and promise to 'try', but more often than not he will aggressively say stuff like 'oh yes it's all my fault isn't it?! What have I done wrong now?!' Nothing seems to change.

@MadameCholetsDirtySecret - the point is, he hasn't always been like this. Maybe he would overreact to a disagreement, or take his stress out on me once or twice a year. He would always apologise quickly and profusely, explain his reaction, try to make it up to me. The rest of the time he would be what I think most of us would call a 'good husband'. Loving and caring towards me and the DC. Doing masses around the house etc. Respectful. But it's changed. Not out of the blue before someone suggests he's having an affair - but an increase in shitty behaviour since his early 40s. Part of this is down to his career stagnating a bit, I think, and we've had some financial worries over the past few years. But nothing massive and nothing we cannot navigate.

No problem!

Me and DH have had communication issues in the past, especially when we are trying to communicate through high emotion, and the thing that has worked for us is to:

a) verbally and calmly state that we're on the same side/team
b) agree to walk off and come back to the subject when we're calmed down
c) apologise for 'forgetting' ourselves in favour of our temper or emotion
d) practice stopping the behaviour before it escalates with the above
e) practice verbally asserting that it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated
f) ensure you're not, in any way, mirroring the behaviour when you're frustrated by his actions because your message that the behaviour is not acceptable from him will be undermined and you'll be accused of double standards which would be fair enough so LEAD BY EXAMPLE

The most helpful thing we did was acknowledge there was an issue and agree to practice better communication but remind each other that we love each other and we should remember that when we communicate.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 12/08/2025 11:16

I was the child in this scenario , parents stuck in this sort of cycle. 2 brothers. We all left home ASAP. Me at 17. It's not pleasant to witness. Stressful, sad, scary.

Youdbeluckyifitchanged · 12/08/2025 11:28

Mine was exactly like this. Always calm and a gentlemen with work colleagues. Not good with my immediate family. Got very stressed at the slightest of things not even things that most people would consider getting stressed over. Didn't have a stressful job. His work colleagues wouldn't recognise him goodness knows how he managed to keep it all in at work yet somehow he couldn't at home.

Tried to make things work when it got particularly bad. I used to speak up against it all. Very draining. Then to the point had no energy to do it anymore. We're on the edge of a split and he tried but the cracks began to show. Too much resentment because I'm not the sort that will bend over backwards to please but will compromise if it's fair. It wasn't fair. It was illogical. I could see him gradually getting more petty and worse as he got older. He just kept reminding me of his real personality and he would be really nasty.

You're obviously not there yet in the way that I became in that I couldn't take the miserable existence of living with him. We're no longer together. The sense of relief of not walking on eggshells is amazing and has taken a while to adjust.

Maybe you need to spell it out to him just how miserable he's making you feel. No need for ultimatums at this stage because if you don't follow through it won't have any effect anyway. He needs to know the seriousness of the consequences of his actions on you and your family.
Maybe suggest he reevaluates his career/ employment situation. The high BP is surely attributed to his stress levels? Nothing will change if he's not willing to change and to rake responsibility for his behaviour. Of course, you know all of this but sometimes seeing it written down helps.
If he won't change then you either choose to put up or change the situation yourself by either leaving him. Just walking out of the room each time he behaves like this and calmly telling him you'll talk to him when he's more reasonable may help at these moments but as has been said you shouldn't be anyone's emotional punchbag.

Someiremember · 12/08/2025 16:28

Have you confided to anyone in RL re what a nasty man your husband is?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/08/2025 17:30

I’m sure he doesn’t behave like this with anyone else but you. So he can control it but chooses to use you as a verbal punchbag instead. With all the door slamming I do wonder how long it actually will be before you’re his actual punchbag.

I know it’s easy to say on this side of the screen but you are making lots of excuses for his behaviour. You don’t need to rationalise how awful he is. Just tell him it stops now or you’ll be divorcing him.

You really don’t need success/failure stories from others in a similar position. He is treating you appallingly and you know it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2025 17:46

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He does this because he can and has learnt this works for him. You are still there and you were targeted by him to abuse.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. One day your child will leave home and sooner rather than later. Dc is not going to want to return to their family home very often if at all because of the abuse your husband metes out to you. You are very much the boiled frog in that analogy here. Your relationship with dc as an adult could be at risk now because he or she could accuse you of putting him before them. They could also call you daft for staying and you have stayed for your own reasons, perhaps a lifestyle you want to maintain.

He has always been abusive towards you and has ramped up the power and control against you and your child over the years. Your marriage to all intents and purposes is over because of the abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Flip

1 2