What Are The Positives and Negatives to Marriage and Having Kids?

[MichelleD32]

Sorry, I know that is a loaded question.
First of all, I am far from getting married or having kids. I became single last February but they are things I would love to have someday. I fear it will never happen for me though which makes me very sad.

I feel my head is being clouded by my emotions and I could do with a logical, realistic perspective on marriage and kids, like is it all it's cracked up to be and if so, how? Same on the topic of kids. Would they be things I would geninely miss out on? Or is it just something that's been thrusted upon me by society to do?

They're two separate things.

I'm married but dont have children, through choice.

This is coming from someone who is married with no kids, so accept there will be bias.

You have 2 separate questions.

1. Marriage. Everyone says it’s “just a piece of paper”. Yes. Yes it is. The most important piece of paper - because it’s a contract. If you are about to sacrifice your ability to provide for yourself within a relationship, it’s the most important piece of paper of your life. I say that as the much higher earner in our relationship.

2. Kids. Obviously they’re fab. I don’t have them. I just wish people put as much thought into having them as I put into NOT having them. Sometimes it’s easy to do the natural, expected thing, but you need to be sure you’re emotionally or financially equipped and it’s really what you want. Make sure you are both, and have said contract in place .

Otherwise, do what you will, live your life and grab every adventure you can!

I feel like if you wanted children you wouldn’t have to ask why they have positives. In my experience it’s a big feeling, an urge. I have felt maternal all my life. I knew it was something I desparatley wanted and I wouldn’t feel complete them. I have 3.

when I see threads about people on the fence about kids, I usually say don’t do it unless you know you want children. You really feel it. It’s a huge life changing thing. It has many negatives (messy, noisy, no freedom) that you can’t offset with the good things unless you naturally feel and recognise the good things. If you don’t think kids are a joy then you’re gonna be pissed off all the time.

marriage for me, it’s slightly less important. I wanted to get married for a solid family unit for our children. With no kids I feel it might have mattered less to me.

I love my DH more than anyone in the world. He is my rock, my soul mate, my best friend. He supports every single thing I do, even if it makes it harder for him, which I would never impose hardship on him, intentionally, but he has my back.

He is a beautiful soul. He is loyal. He is handsome. I am lucky to have him and thankful for everyday we've had together for over 20 years.

We have given everything to our child, including our youth, and we have no regrets. Would do it all over again but our time is limited here on earth so we're enjoying our time together as child is now an adult.

This is my second marriage. The first one lasted about 3/4 years and was very early on in my life. It wasn't my idea to be married to that person and, predictably, didn't work out because we married for the wrong reasons. The mistakes of youth were made but I have come through on the better side.

Appreciate that's just my experience. We can't all be clones and have the same experiences.

I would try to just live life and take it as it comes. No one can predict the future. Don't stress about what you can't control. Wishing you the best in everything!

Long term healthy relationship: amazing if you are lucky enough

Kids: agree with PP if you are unsure don’t do it. My kids were so so wanted and are the light of my life but parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done and still is and has been continuously and I’ve been doing it for 20 years.

Marriage: is a legal and financial contract, mainly for the sharing of assets. Don’t have kids without it (through choice). Does not guarantee long term healthy relationship. Also useful contract for ageing / death related issues.