16yo back with her toxic bf and baby involved

[YellowandGreen12]

Bit of a rant really. Dont even know if I’m asking advice or just getting it off my chest.

DD is 16, same as her bf. She’s got ASD and a heart condition. Her dad died 2020. Bf’s always been abit of a wrong un tbh. Back in school he used to pick on younger kids and was always in trouble. Been passed round his family, never seemed to have any proper stability, there’s always drama. When she met him he was all nice, polite to me, texting her all the time, making her laugh.

She ended up pregnant not long after they got together but didn’t find out til about 5 months gone. Abortion wasn’t something she could go through with by then. When she told him he flipped, said he wasn’t the dad, called her a slag, shoved her. She smacked him back and came home crying her eyes out. That night he turned up here 2 in the morning shouting outside. I was scared so I rang the police. After that he got a new gf and we didn’t see him for a while (Aug/Sept 2023).

By November he’s back saying he loves her and wants the baby. I told her not to but she took him back. Few weeks later he got caught with a knife in his bag at school, was permantly excluded and she finished with him again.

Baby was born Jan 2024 just after her 15th birthday. He made it clear he didn’t want to be involved and she didn’t want him around. Those months were actually ok. She was doing alright with the baby then, good routines, feeding on time, seemed like she was enjoying being a mum.

When baby was 6 months his nan found out and came round. She seemed nice so we let her have him for a few hours here and there. Then I found out she’d left him with his dad without telling us. He’d never done anything with the baby before. Her excuse was he needed to bond. That was the end of her having him.

Later I found out DD had been messaging him behind my back and sending him money which I’m sure was for drugs. She’d been meeting him with the baby too. This has been going on since end of last year.

Last month she says they’re back together. Since then she’s asking me to babysit loads more so they can go off or stay wherever he’s kipping that week. He’s still doing drugs (not just weed), didn’t sit his exams, doesn’t work, sofa surfs between mates. Had a black eye when I saw him the other day.

Tonight he’s turned up here stinking of smoke, eyes all red, loud, walking in like he owns the place. Threw his bag down in the hall and talked over me when I said he’s not welcome to stay. DD just rolled her eyes and said he is staying. They’ve been in her room ever since, music loud, laughing, baby nearly woke up.

DD gets PIP and is meant to start college in September. Since she’s got back with him her parenting’s gone down hill. Baby (19 months) is such a lovely little boy, bright and cheeky, talks loads for his age. But bedtime’s all over the place now, she leaves him with me for hours, meals are late or just a snack instead of tea. She’s more interested in bf than baby atm. Baby adores his mum but she’s distracted on her phone messaging him half the time.

Told her if she gets pregnant again she can’t live here. She said her sex life’s none of my business. I do feel sorry for him in some ways, wouldn’t surprise me if he’s got SEN too, but I can’t be dealing with all this chaos again.

So he’s barged into your house when you’ve told him he isn’t to stay? To be honest, I’d have called the police to remove him. I would be prioritising the baby and having him around is not safe for the baby.

What a mess. I'm amazed social services aren't involved?

The father isn't in a state to parent. Your DD risks her baby being taken out of her care if she can't prove she can put him first and keep him safe (away from a druggy).

Keep being the support you are to the little boy. I suspect he'll end up with you being given parental rights the way this is going. It's a shame as it sounds like your DD was doing a good job with your help until he came back on the scene.

Get her on contraception, the coil or implant - something that's easy and long-term. I'd also contact SS and do a report because of the father.

Another vote for social services. The ‘father’ is unfit and it will be a huge struggle for her.
Was adoption ever mentioned?
Poor baby , I know he’s got you but I’m sure this wasn’t in your plans ?

Keep being the support you are to the little boy. I suspect he'll end up with you being given parental rights the way this is going

I agree with this and also shocked SS aren’t involved yet. You should make them aware if they aren’t already. Your grandson is at significant risk, primarily from his father but also from your daughter sadly.

Poor little baby. Hope somebody reports to social services

You need to get him out of your house. Now! Your life will not be your own.

Get her to the Drs and have an implant or coil put in.

Get in touch with social services and get them involved. Their immediate reaction isn’t to remove a child they want to help parents be better.

There are drugs involved here and something needs to he done.

Social services were involved when baby was born because of DD’s age. It’s standard. They were coming quite regular at first but they haven’t been involved for a while now. They had no concerns about her parenting then, especially as her bf wasn’t around or involved. Things were calmer and she was actually doing well with the baby back then so they signed off.

To the ones saying get her on the implant or coil I’ve tried. Believe me I have. She flat out refuses. Says she doesn’t want anything messing with her body and she knows what she’s doing. I’ve told her all the risks and the reality of having a second baby but she won’t hear it.

As for last night he left around midnight in the end. DD wasn’t happy at all. Apparently his mate had his girlfriend staying so told him he couldn’t stay there and he hadn’t sorted anywhere else to go. DD was calling me cruel saying something might happen to him. He told her he’d be fine and left. Then she started saying I call her a child but he’s a child too (younger by 4 months) and I’m happy for him to be on the streets.

I do feel guilty because DD said anything could happen to him and she’s right he is mouthy so could easily mouth off to the wrong person. But then I remember back in May just after his birthday his nan messaged me out of the blue (hadn’t heard from her in ages) asking if I’d seen him. I hadn’t so I asked why and she told me he’d just left one day. Apparently they’d threatened to send him to live somewhere else because of his behaviour and he told them he was old enough to live on his own. They thought he was joking especially as he only took a backpack. But he didn’t come back. They reported him missing, police found him, but he made it clear he wasn’t going back to live there and they couldn’t force him. Since then he’s just been sofa surfing.

It’s like he’s always got some drama going on, never anywhere stable to live, and DD seems to feel like she’s got to save him or look after him. But I’ve got to think about my grandson first.

Someone mentioned adoption yesterday and no that’s not something that’s ever been on the table. DD wanted to keep her baby from the start and I supported her in that. I’m not saying it’s been easy but she did step up a lot at first.

And to the ones saying call social services I know they would probably step in but I worry I’ll ruin my relationship with her if I do. She already thinks I’m against her and if she thought I’d called them she’d probably shut me out completely and then I’d have no idea what was going on with the baby.

And to the ones saying call social services I know they would probably step in but I worry I’ll ruin my relationship with her if I do. She already thinks I’m against her and if she thought I’d called them she’d probably shut me out completely and then I’d have no idea what was going on with the baby

Thing is though OP, she needs to know there are consequences to her actions. And if she is choosing to neglect her parenting duties in favour of her boyfriend she needs to understand what that means for the relationship with her child. Of course, you could just keep picking up the pieces and provide ever increasing childcare. But I hazard a guess you will be looking at 2 grandchildren instead of 1 in a year or so if you carry on doing that.

I think the 'adoption' comment was uncalled for. Your grandson is here and I would imagine very much loved. He's a baby not a dog.

You're stuck in a very tricky situation here. I get your concerns about social services involvement and how your DD will perceive that. But this 'father' is a wrong un, his problems are not your problems. There his families problem. He's not just a bit of a wayward teen. He's into drugs. He has the potential to cause chaos and danger into your grandsons life and has already influenced baby's mother to drop him down her priorities.

The only good thing to come of her potentially getting pregnant again is social services are likely to become involved again and then I expect the whole story will unravel.

How old are you op ? Young enough yourself I assume ? Young and fit enough to adopt your grandson if it came to it ?

Your DD unfortunately can't be forced to put her baby first or take contraception. It's sad but true. I do suspect it'd be safer for that little boy all round if you were his legal parent.

I wish people would stop the "get on contraception" line. You cannot frog march a teen down the drs and force them to take it have a coil implanted. Although it's very silly : legally it's 'assault'. If she's gillick competent (which she will be ) nobody can force her on contraception.

The op can only refuse to House her and any subsequent children she has (which she's stated to her daughter)

Call social services and help your daughter engage with them and work on her parenting skills

OR someone else is going to call SS - a neighbour, nursery what ever as surely other people are going to see this shitshow and have concerns for the baby, and that may be more tricky than a proactive / preventive approach now to things deteriorating further

your relationship with DD is strained anyway,
so the priority is the baby right now

You are allowing her to do this, you need to contact SS as you are allowing the abuse.

The baby is more important than your relationship with your daughter and the potential it may be strained. It didn't choose the environment to be more in and it needs to come first. Your daughter needs to learn there are consequences for neglecting and ignoring a child - she's an adult and choose to have him. The father is also a risk, and whilst SS left before that was when he was out of the picture - he is now back and they will likely both put that child at further risk. That is unfair and I feel for you I'm sure you care for her, but if you have tried conversation - you must report this, call the SS line or just file a report. Even if you don't if a few years when a child goes to school, I imagine they will - and if things are worse by then, the consequences will be worse. Whereas now I'm sure the SS will try intervention and support for her. They will give her parenting classes, they will support her with baby classes, with support workers and regular check-ins. Parenting is a full time job, and even if you step up once, if you stop at one point - then you can cause harm and from SS's point of view - it's about the harm they are currently causing not whether they used to be good parents.

You need to put your Granddaughters well being first.

You need to sit down with your daughter and ask her what the hell she thinks she’s doing. Remind her how proud you were of her when the BF wasn’t on the scene and how great she was doing at motherhood.

Lay down rules and say he isn’t allowed in the house and you want to help her get back on track to be the best mum she can be and if she doesn’t distance herself from him and just let him be a Dad you will have to contact social services because of what Dad is up to.