So sick of people telling me I should be grateful to my DP

[LikeYouWantIt]

I have been NC with my parents for 6 years now.

The back story is too long to go into but basically they're proper terrible, toxic people. When I tell people about them, they agree with me that NC is the right choice... until they find out I'm adopted.

Then, all of a sudden I'm a horrible ungrateful daughter and I should be worshipping the ground they walk on because they chose to adopt me and who knows where I would have ended up if it wasn't for them?

I agree that I am fortunate, and I do appreciate that they raised me, taught me how to walk, talk, read, write, sent me to school, always had a full stomach and a warm bed.

But my argument is, that doesn't mean I need to put up with abusive treatment in my adulthood. And, if anything, they knew exactly what they were getting into when they chose to adopt a child because I wasn't some surprise pregnancy that they weren't prepared for.

I don't know what their thoughts/feelings are about the adoption, because I didn't find out until after our relationship had broken down.

I've just had another person tell me today that I should "sacrifice my life" for my parents, and I need to make every effort to restore the relationship now before it's too late.

Am I wrong for thinking I don't need to be any more grateful than if they were my biological parents?

I suspect the back story is highly relevant here. However being adopted does not mean they’re entitled to treat you badly

If I explained the entire back story, it would be a novel

But the point is, people agree with me - like "omg I can't believe they did that to you / treated you that way" until it comes out that they're not my biological parents then suddenly I'm the bad guy for not being more grateful?

Why should it be any different than if they were my biological parents? It doesn't make sense to me.

Why should you be grateful to them? THEY chose to adopt as presumably could not have kids themselves. THEY chose you, you were not foisted upon them. THEY as adults made the decision to raise you and then they did not treat you correctly if you have gone no contact. They should have been grateful enough for the opportunity to scratch their parenting itch not to ruin the opportunity they were given. People can be so strange.

Thank you!

This is my thought process too. I'm grateful to them for raising me, but I don't see why I should put up with being treated badly just because I was "chosen" by them.

OP you have every right to exclude people out of your life if they show toxic abusive behavior. And whoever this person is who said to you today, that you somehow own it to your DP to be in contact due to adoption, well perhaps exclude them too?

What an odd and horribly tacktless thing to say to someone.

YOU do not own your life to someone, whatever role they play in your life, if they abuse or are toxic, you do not own them anything. Gosh how rude of that person, and everyone else.

Similar situation only a bio child. I get the same comments from people, honestly. "It's your mother...You only get one mother...How will you feel when she dies?" I don't even tell people anymore. I simply don't mention my parents at all. Let them assume what they will.

The way I see it, your parents chose to adopt you just as mine chose to have a child. It is no different. I think that anyone who thinks that somehow you owe your abusive parents anything simply because you are adopted is someone who should shamed on their view of adopted children.

As for their comment about where you might have ended up if your parents didn't adopt you....well, maybe with a better family!

You might also tell this person that with so many people trying/hoping/praying to be matched with an adoptive child, maybe your parents should have been a little more grateful for the opportunity THEY were given.

The back story, or what your parents have done to cause you to be NC, must be relevant and unusual, because you say so many people are agreeing with you initially but then changing their mind when they find out you’re adopted.

I honestly don’t know anyone irl who would tell someone they should “sacrifice my life” for their parents no matter what the circumstances. How bizzare. They actually used those words?

The very condensed version is good childhood up until age 12/13 when they struggled to accept my getting older. Bars on my bedroom window, door removed from it's hinges when I asked for privacy to get changed, diary read, countless Christmas's ruined because I didn't "perform" as expected.

They left the country when I was age 17. The relationship broke down. When they returned it was proper Jekyl and Hyde - I had to jump every time they summoned but then they would blank me if I saw them in the street.

I confronted them and said I wasn't happy with this sort of treatment. They responded by taking me to court for "everything they have ever given me over the years". Which, of course, failed. Have been NC ever since.

And yes, used those exact words.
"You should be sacrificing your whole life for them. You wouldn't be where you are now without them".

Firstly, a lot of people adopt for their wanting a child rather than give a child a home so you owe them nothing.

Secondly, you found put you were adopted after going NC so they definitely can't relate it to that. They must be aware of actions that caused it.

Do what you need to.