Boyfriends dominant behaviour

[myquietplace5]

My new boyfriend and I have a great sex life. I love being submissive, and he enjoys taking on a dominant role. It works perfectly for us, and we both have fun with it.

I've recently started to feel like our dynamic is extending beyond the bedroom though. He isn't controlling by any means, but occasionally he shows his dominant side in our daily life. For example, the other day, I jokingly corrected him on something he said, and he said that he would punish me for being cheeky and talking back. He often says he’s going to 'treat me' and that I can have anything I want if I do something he wants (like sending sexy photos) which makes me feel like I’m in a sugar daddy relationship.

He also says how proud he is of me and that I’m a “good girl” for trying new things (again, sexy photos or exploring new sexual experiences). While I enjoy being a sub in the bedroom, I am also an independent woman in real life. I work full time, drive, own my house, and have my own money.

I must admit, I’m beginning to feel like a sex toy, and I’m not sure how to approach this conversation with him. Is there a way to keep our bedroom dynamic separate from our everyday life? Anyone experienced something similar?

There may well be a way with some men, but there isn't a way with this man.

No. He doesn’t not respect you. This can only get worse. It isn’t role play in the bedroom. It was role play when he appeared to respect you in day to day life.

Speak to him, but prepare yourself for him to push for it to cover all aspects of your life.

Some men are perfectly willing (and it's not able - it's willing) to have dynamic like that in the bedroom and some will push for it to be 24/7.

Stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't have the respect for you to respect your wishes

How 'new' is this boyfriend?

I sincerely hope you don't have your face showing in any of the 'sexy' photos?

Some men are very good at compartmentalising their own sex lives and very bad at doing the same for women’s. All those High Court Judges being whipped in their spare time!

If you can’t talk about it, there is a fundamental issue with your attitude to relationships and sex. Especially in a sub-dom relationship where communication is key. Can you just say, “I should say, although I enjoy the sub-dom thing in bed, I don’t enjoy it in the world” then wait and see what he says. My suspicion is that he is a nasty man masquerading as a dom. Many of them are.

Oh, and never send pictures that are identifying to any boyfriend.

You need to communicate- clearly he's got a different idea of lifestyle to you. Men aren't all evil- unlike what MN thinks. Just say you don't want it to be like this 24/7 and he should respect that.

This is so profoundly true.

Sounds like Sean Combs

Is he older than you?

Don’t play power exchange games until you can have a frank, clothes on conversation about consent, boundaries and limits.

It’s dangerous for both of you, to try and work out things through trial and error. There’s too much scope for things to go wrong. Consent should be clear and explicit, and it can be withdrawn at any time.

If you want to play, learn the rules. And talk to other subs. If you don’t have a way to halt the game, it’s not a game - it’s escalating abuse.

'He also says how proud he is of me and that I’m a “good girl” for trying new things (again, sexy photos or exploring new sexual experiences).'

I wouldn't say that was extending dominance to daily life outside the bedroom - I'd say that's very much bedroom stuff. And being called 'good girl' is a thing that a lot of women really like in the bedroom - even if they'd be appalled if it was ever said in a non-sexual context. You do, however, need to tell him very clearly if it's not something that turns you on, and you should not be letting him cajole you into doing anything sexual that you really don't want. Ever.

The joking about 'punishing you' for talking back to him, outside of the bedroom, is more of a concern, and 'treating you' for doing things he likes etc is also making it into a more a daily life thing.

It is definitely possible to keep the bedroom dynamic separate from daily life - in fact, I think the vast majority of people with that bedroom dynamic do keep it completely separate from daily life - but it's obviously dependent on having clear boundaries and expressing preferences clearly. You cannot have a submissive bedroom dynamic safely if you can't communicate with your boyfriend and tell him pretty much exactly what you've told us here. If your boyfriend doesn't respect your boundaries and is offended by you setting them in the first place, it's not a safe relationship.

Well, we don't know that, because so far the OP hasn't actually told him she doesn't like what he's doing and he might genuinely think it's what she wants.

The concern would be if she tells him she isn't keen on what he's doing and he takes it badly. The conversation absolutely must take place, and then his reaction will tell us whether he's a nasty piece of work or not.

If you can't communicate effectively with a partner you should not be entering into dom/sub stuff in the bedroom.

He has no respect for you whatever.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>

You've articulated the issue perfectly to us. Use the same words to tell him that it's a problem.

As PP have said, if you feel you can't communicate a boundary to your boyfriend, that's more of a warning sign than whatever specific sub/dom dynamic works for you. You need to be able to talk about sexual desires and boundaries in a relationship regardless of what those are.

This.
Learn how to do these things properly.
Don't play potentially dangerous games in the bedroom if you don't know how to have an honest conversation with him.

I must admit, I’m beginning to feel like a sex toy, and I’m not sure how to approach this conversation with him.

As others have said, I suspect he may actually be an abusive person, pretending to "play games", and just starting to gently drop his mask and test the waters with ramping up the abuse.
I may be totally wrong - but if he can't have open, honest adult conversations then you have to dump him.

You need to have that conversation with him; D/s is all about clear and precise communication. It's not unreasonable of him to think that you are open to making the relationship more generally D/s and it's not unreasonable of you to push it back into the confines of the bedroom. If you don't talk about it you won't achieve anything.

You need to talk to him and see if something changes. Sone couples can separate bedroom dynamic from everyday life, and some can’t due to the man being a misogynistic dick.

"My suspicion is that he is a nasty man masquerading as a dom. Many of them are."

This is really common.

How long have you been with this guy?

I suspect he's extremely controlling and he's starting to drop the mask outside of sex too.

He's basically slowly grooming you into becoming a full time sex slave. Get rid ASAP.

You're shagging a weirdo. BIN!