Does this look equal?

[Jumpclap]

Just wondered whether this looks equal in terms of roles/responsibilities. We have been together over 20 years and have a toddler. We both work 4 days a week (one day in the week each with toddler). I earn a bit more and we pay proportion of shared bills accordingly (55% 45%). I also WFH. This is how things are generally split:

DP is responsible for:
Cooking evening meals
Food shopping
Vet appointments
DIY
Garden (small)
Paying for van related costs

I am responsible for:
Childcare related stuff (dressing, washing, bedtimes, night times, mornings, nursery drop offs/pick ups, activities, washing clothes etc)
Tidying/hoovering etc
Washing up
Walking dog
Sorting bills, saving money, all financial admin
Paying for cleaner (once a fortnight)
Paying for child’s activities / friends gifts etc
Paying for car related costs

I think you need to draw up a clearer set of lists. One financial, one mental load, one physical load.

One person does all the food stuff. No thanks. I’d hate that. That is the flash point in my relationship and most people I’m friends with. Hate it.

Do they like it?

I think if you're resorting to lists you're doomed. It's much more intuitive than that regarding eg individual skills and time commitments. Eg I did all the finances because that's what I do for a living, it comes easily to me and tbh, didn't want to "let" DH do it. DH would have taken much longer to do it less well, but he had practical skills I didn't have.

@CornishTiger Yes my DP enjoys cooking and would prefer to do it than eat my cooking! (I do cook maybe once a week)

You're doing the vast majority of things: pick-ups, bedtime that have to be done at fixed times. That's more onerous than things which are time-flexible. Also, wouldn't your DH like more time with the toddler (and they with him?)

Agree with @Mousehi , you’re mixing up money and tasks.

On the parenting, domestic work and mental load, on the face of it you are doing much more, due to the parenting and dog care. Unless ‘DIY’ actually means major renovation or something.

On the money it’d make sense for costs for the cleaner, DC activities and friends’ gifts to come out of the joint finances. Since those costs are part of running the household and being a parent.

If the van is essential for DP’s work or his choice of vehicle and not the main family vehicle it’d make sense for him to cover that cost separately.

To me no it looks like your DH is doing very little?

Why isn't the cleaner, the car and the child related costs part of your shared expenses?

Is your husband doing any parenting? Does he do any actual housework?

@Mousehi I tried to order it by physical, mental, financial although there’s some overlap.

Who does the laundry?
How often does your dog need the vet? Couple of times a year? Vs you walking it every day?
On his day with the toddler does he do childcare stuff, laundry, etc?

We both do some cleaning - I guess that is more shared. Other tasks seem to fall more to one person. DP does spend time with our toddler but it’s more playing/watching TV.

@Manova14 We both do our own laundry and then I do the toddlers too. Vets isn’t very often at all tbf! On DPs day with our toddler he will usually take her out in the morning, then they usually have a nap together!

It seems odd the way some things are seperated. You do all child related things and pay for them, but what if DP takes DC out on their day together- do you send money?

Laundry should all be done together, surely you don't do seperate washes?

It seems to make sense if DP pays for food shop and cooks, that you pay for cleaner and DC things, and clean.

I would suggest share some of the DC jobs- you both should be doing bedtime and mornings and wake ups.

Maybe if you're doing nursery drop/pick ups then DP should walk dog- that could be a good time split. Maybe something like this:

You pick up DC from nursery
DP makes dinner
You tidy/wash up while DC plays
DP takes dog for walk
You start bedtime
DP says goodnight to DC

I don't think that DP watching tv/napping with DC on their time together is a bad thing, but I'm sure they could do more together- have you suggested it?

I often book and pay for the toddler activities on DPs day (if it’s something DP has said he wants to do)
We go halves paying for the weekly food shop although DP probably pays more for extra bits he picks up in the week (but eats more too)
We have always done our own laundry.
The van my DP uses for work but we also go away in it together.
DP leaves early in the morning for work so makes sense for me to do nursery drop off.
DP already thinks I’m too controlling over his time with our toddler so doesn’t respond well to suggestions to do more! 😂
Hope that answers all the questions!