What do you do if the person you are NC with sends messages via a third party.

[sashh]

For a number of reasons I am not talking to my brother. I wrote him a letter and told him why and I can honestly say my life is better having made that choice.

My problem is that my father would love me to be back in contact with my brother and my brother sends messages via my dad.

Dad is mid 80s and I don't think it is fair for my brother to do this, but what can I do?

The latest was that he (brother) is 'desperate' to talk to me.

You ask your father not to pass on messages.

Are you hoping that Mumsnet will give you permission to cut off your elderly father because of his supposedly toxic behaviour? His life expectancy is limited at this age, think carefully before you start an argument you may regret.

Your brother's distress is a consequence of your actions so you can't really be surprised by it, surely you anticipated what would happen. It may fade with time but families take a while to settle when you do something so drastic.

I'd smile, nod, say 'thanks dad' and move the conversation on quickly.

Your brother says hi
That's nice
He wants to talk
Oh look, your roses look nice, if you're planning on pruning them any time soon I'd like some for the kitchen

Etc etc

Cutting off contact with family members is never clear cut ime.
I cut contact with my family a few years back but my sister still sends me birthday cards , Christmas cards , and occasionally messages. I try and ignore but when my brother died and her H died I've messaged sympathy to her because it's seemed inhuman not to.
I feel very sorry for your dad because in the twilight of his years he must want his children reconciled.
Not that I'm minimising your reasons for going NC because I know they will be very valid.
If your Dad passes on messages all you can do is accept the message but don't be drawn into any discussion about it or the situation with your brother. You don't have to do anything in response to the message if you don't want to.

You look your dad in the eye every time he tries to pass on a message and say "Dad, I am not interested and I won’t be contacting him, I will let him know directly if that will ever change".

I know this situation keenly on both sides. I was NC with my brother and now VLC but my mother will not let him drop so she's either praising how brilliant he is (he isn't), telling me about his gaslighty comments or passing messages on. Sometimes I fight back and tell her straight and mostly I ignore it. I think with family it is harder to stop but ignoring it, as long as you are not at risk of harm seems easier.
On the other hand. I am NC with my ex and despite him doing some awful things and blocking me, I had to get a third party to pass messages about logistics. It felt dehumanising that he couldn't even be respectful enough to allow me to pass a message on. I had to beg the TP to send anything at all and then they refused to help more. I have no idea how other people get others to pass messages on about wanting people back or in their lives. I couldn't even get anyone to help about something as simple as returning tools.

Before both examples I'd have passed messages on in the name of peace. Now, I'd never do it. People choose NC for their own reasons and it should be respected however much it hurts.

Absolutely not.

My brother's distress? He has caused so much harm to me over the years, I just wanted the harm to stop.

You could tell your dad not to pass on the messages.
When he tries to give you need you could say dad please stop. Don't tell me. I love you and I know this is hard for you but youre hurting me a lot by keeping doing this. I dont want messages and I dont want to talk about it.

You have cut contact, he hasn’t.

Of course you’d want him to stop, but you can’t control him or third party.

So you either wait it out, finding a way to navigate the unsolicited contact until it tires out or you cut all family.

I think all you can do is be neutral. It’s not necessarily wrong of your father to pass on the message - this is on your brother, not him.

The best thing to do seems to be not to react when your father passes on a message, and move the conversation on,

Keep reminding him you don’t want to talk about your brother. Cut the call short if he ignores your request. If he values you he will understand.

Has someone cut you off?
You don’t know what it took for OP to come to this point.

The last call I started crying so I did cut it short.

Thank you @Disturbia81

@Ficklebricks The fact you are defensive of her DB, despite not knowing why she is NC, makes me wonder if you are a very toxic person who has had people cut them off in the past? Or just a complete doormat that puts up with abuse because family? Got to be one them

I think I would just try and humour my dad, DB wants you to call him - Dad, I’m not ready to talk to him as I’m still upset. I’m not going to be able to forgive/move on when he keeps sending messages through you. I just need a bit of space and when I’m ready I will contact him. Please let’s not keep talking about it though as every time we do this it just upsets me again.

If he has a bit of false hope maybe he will give you some space for a while.

I think they are the same poster who gets angry at anyone that goes NC I was abused by a family member (including physically) and the poster who I suspect is the same person told me I was abusive for finally going NC

DPs don't like their DC being estranged from each other Op especially when the DPs getting elderly, they want their DC to have each other when they're gone. He can't see that your DB pushed you too far and you'd rather do without. Tell your DF you understand his feelings but he needs to respect yours too

Sorry that happened and well done for going NC.

They’ve probably been cut off by people and being that they’re so toxic, have made themselves the victim.

Ignore or otherwise deflect such comment from your dad by changing the subject. Do this every single time. He is a flying monkey here who has his own agenda and is not willing to hear your side of things. So his opinion can and should be ignored.

Ignore or otherwise deflect such comment from your dad by changing the subject. Do this every single time. He is a flying monkey here who has his own agenda and is not willing to hear your side of things. So his opinion can and should be ignored.

Thank you everyone. Yes I think I will try to deflect.

What did he do?

My brother? Lots of things, going back years. The last thing was the last straw.

Sorry I listed a couple of things but I think they are outing.