Sex, drag & time

[Lustycat]

I just know that I'm going to be ripped apart for this but here goes.

N & I have been living together for 30 + years.
We have no children.
We have lived and loved and are quite happy I think.
I guess N is gay, maybe bisexual. I am straight. We have not had sex for about 15 years. At least I haven't, not sure about N. Early on I knew he liked dressing as a woman, I participated for a while but quickly became bored. The full drag thing never really materialised but with hindsight I think it could have.
We enjoy each others company, I think we will be together for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, here I am, late 50s, feeling horny and wondering what the hell. Not just horny. I would like to be lusted after or just be found sexy.
Don't get me wrong, N & I have found a life that works for us on many levels, we both care deeply about each other and have a happiness of sorts, but.. there is this underlying embarrassment of sex, the lack of between us and maybe the sense of unfulfilled lives from both of us.
Anyway, I'm wondering what now?

Should N & I just continue, keep quiet, live fairly happy but not talk about the sex elephant in the room or should I say hey let's talk about this and see where it leads?

I think you’ve both got a long life left to live. So there’s no harm in talking about it. Maybe over a nice glass of wine or two and nibbles. Perhaps broach the subject of opening up the relationship. It’s your decision whether to just see other people for sec and stay together as a couple, or to see where that path could take you with a potential view to separation and moving on with other parties if that’s what you both prefer.

Start small, just make sure you say it’s a safe place to talk and no judgement should be given on either side, no matter what is said.

It sounds difficult - but you sound like a very understanding person. I hope it goes well.

I would assume he's getting his kicks elsewhere and assumes you have an arrangement, otherwise your situation is very unusual.

It sounds like your relationship is open so why not get a lover?

It sounds like you are good friends with someone but on the other hand he is keeping a big part of himself from you. I think if he is gay and he hasn’t mentioned it, that’s quite a big deal really. You can’t be expected to make a decision about your relationship when the person you are having it with it is not telling you the truth.

I think this too. You have more patience & understanding than me op!!!
What would make you really happy?? You’ve got lots of life left to live.. I’d reach for the light even if I thought that would mean making big changes. I think you are quite unfulfilled tbh from your post. Best of luck to you however it looks ahead xox

Wanted to add You don’t seem bothered about him being gay.. if I thought my DH was maybe gay and wouldn’t be intimate with me (and I thought he’d had sex elsewhere), I’d be pretty angry… I can’t help but feel it’s a big betrayal and he hasn’t asked you to stay regardless; he’s just kind of expected it? You don’t deserve a life of celibacy and he’s not being honest.. would you consider counseling? Do you want to have sex with him as your husband? I think there’s a lot of big Qs to answer..

I left my husband last year under similar circumstances and I feel like I'm living life again. Having the best sex I've ever had in my mid 50s. I feel I was just existing previously, now I'm flourishing.

Can’t see anyone ripping into you for this!
Hell, 15 years is a long time - I’m a few years older than you and even now, after a year or so single, sometimes I think I could jump on anything that moves. Some days they wouldn’t even need to move 😂
Realistically - after this time, if he wanted a sex life with you, you’d know about it. And even if he did - would you want to sleep with him now, knowing and thinking about what he’d been doing with men, worrying what you might catch?
I think you’ll find you can get it elsewhere easily enough. But either way, you’ve probably 40 years ahead of you, it’s a shame to waste them on someone who doesn’t want you when I’m sure there are plenty who would. As a woman, I think you’ll find it easier than a man would, to find someone at your age….

What is it about him that makes you think he’s gay or Bisexual? If it’s the dressing in women’s clothes, that’s a whole different thing!

Thank you all. I'm going to think about some of what has been said. One thing that struck a cord, someone asked what would make me happy. Seems such a simple question but it's not really is it.

I imagine that, like me, N now relies on porn.

The thing is, we tried for years and years with sex and it was never great, we just didn't click or something. There was definitely a sense of relief when we stopped trying, maybe that was a mistake but then time passes and it becomes the norm.

God I just don't know how I'd even start the conversion let alone anything else!

People say that you'll always regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do do. I've a feeling that those people are right and if I'll regret not trying to introduce some kind of sex between us but the flipside is that it seems difficult and could fail spectacularly.
N is my dearest friend and I can't imagine not sharing my life with him.

Anyway, thanks again.