Just roommates. Divorce? Finances

[Mumontheedge1249]

So basically, me and husband have been together for 20 years. We’re in our mid 30’s.
we have two children, 18 and 15.
I haven’t been happy with him for a long time. He has always made me feel so alone even when sitting right next to him. Doesn’t speak, not friendly, only speaks when he has a negative remark to say. Everything parenting is left to me. Other then financially he is no support what so ever.
I’m talking 10 plus years I’ve felt this way but it’s got increasing more evident now children are older and we don’t do things as a family like when they were small. There’s no arguments or anything, no fighting. Just nothing. He works 6 days a week and the evenings we spend in separate rooms. Never go out. Haven’t been intimate in about 2 years. I have been sleeping on the sofa every now and then as sleeping in the same bed feels wrong. were just roommates. I’ve told him this many times, he knows. But its still stays the same. We tried 1 appointment of marriage counselling but to be honest i don’t want to try. There’s no coming back it’s been like this for too long.
I don’t really have desire to find someone else either. i would be fine leaving and being by myself but just can’t afford to. He makes 80k and I make 14k. I’m looking to retrain and earn more but realistically it will be minimum wage about 26k a year. I would get about 60k from sale of the house which is nowhere near enough for a property let alone having enough money to live on.
Has anyone been in similar situation? I’m stuck in a life that doesn’t fulfill me because of finances and I can’t see a way out. I feel so stuck.

As you're only on 14k are you not working full time?

I work in a school so only term time. Trying to retrain in something else and work full time. I’m not qualified in anything and no experience in anything else but school/childcare so realistically it would be minimum wage I would make which I still don’t see would be enough to leave.

You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you; enough time for a fresh start career-wise and your kids are at an age where they should understand why you want to change your circumstances. You can build something wonderful from here I feel sure of it. Your current life sounds so sad and lonely. I think it could be a lot better

Thank you lovely. I know it can be so much better. I don’t know where to start. It’s all so overwhelming. Do I concentrate on re-training and getting a better paid job first? But then it’s still not going to be enough to afford a home and live on so I don’t know where to go from there after I even get a better paid job. Feel so stuck :(

Do you own your home? Is there equity in it? In your shoes I would make a plan: check out what benefits you might be entitled to as it stands with your current job. Think about where the children would live. You’d get CMS for the youngest.

It sounds so soul-destroying how you are living now. if you’ve got assets in the marriage (own the house, pensions etc) then speak to a lawyer (you might get a free 30 min consultation) and start to get your ‘ducks in a row’

yep we own our home. It has 125k equity so around 60k each. It just wouldn’t be enough for a property with a very minimal salary. I don’t see a way out. I have a very small pension, nothing even worth mentioning.
I will still make a plan, get things in a row. I just don’t see how realistically it’s going to materialise with me ever being able to afford a house and money to live.

£60k could be a great start, even if you can’t buy somewhere. You have a way out and can rent a decent place, use that money to jump start your next stage in life.

Thank u lovely, I really appreciate this ♥️♥️♥️

You may well get more equity than 50% because he is able to take on a larger mortgage and you have worked part time to enable his career.

Certainly better to end it whisky you still have dependent children under 18 as their housing will need to be taken into consideration.

There is also pensions to take into consideration both need to be split.

You are young with almost adult children.
You can absolutely retrain.
maybe your husband would support you stopping work and studying full time.
Dont underestimate the burden of supporting a family financially it can build resentment. Just as resentment can build from doing care responsibilities full time
After pursuing what you want you can separate if you still feel the same.

Have you looked into housing associations and council properties, you will get financial help with children ages,

I’ll have a look, thank u. My youngest is 15, so I wouldn’t get help for long unfortunately so I feel I can’t rely on that

If you’re not looking for someone else, and you’re not fighting/aggravating each other, then is there a way to really reframe it in your mind as a financial partnership and just get on living your own life? Separate rooms, planning of your days, friends and hobbies etc? Running your own household when you have such a small income seems a massive risk for poverty. I’d at least wait till you’ve got a more secure job, and make best use of the joint finances for now. Maybe that also means that both kids will be out of the house and you can properly restart on your own. Won’t work if he makes you utterly miserable but it sounded more like the relationship has run its course? .

Honestly I wouldn’t leave yet - whilst it’s uncomfortable I’d take the time to get myself trained, get into a good job, build my network of friends and be more sociable independent of dh, get financially prepared, research where you can afford to live etc.

I wouldn’t underestimate to the impact of a break up on a kid going through GCSEs and A levels.

I imagine your dh is also plotting an exit and the second your dc2 is done at school he will leave you. So you probably both have 3 years to figure out a decent plan.

Youre still young and will have a good life ahead I’m sure

You are so young with lots of time to build the life that you want.

Don’t settle for this for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy and so does your DH.

Owning a property immediately wouldn’t be a priority for me, although I understand the need to own something for yourself.

Have you considered childminding?

editing to add - I would make plans and wait until dc have completed school.

Agree with PP: put together a three year plan. Three years gives you time to get some training (do you have a degree? you might be able to access funding to support more training / education). If you want to stay where you are, look at jobs more broadly and see what qualifications they are looking for if there is something that appeals. Start doing something. Action begets action; forward movement begets forward movement. Don't despair. It takes a long time for big plans to come to fruition, but nothing happens if you do nothing. Start small, and keep going. Good luck.

Take the first step out of stuck by getting financial and legal advice. You have the luxury of time. Time to plan and retrain. Five years from now your life could be very different but it won’t happen if you don’t take the first step.

Visit a careers advisor. Find out what direction you’d like to move into. Retrain whilst you are still living together. Believe me, it will be so much harder if you are divorced, super poor and trying to retrain.

Focus on this retraining with laser like vision. Try to ignore the desperate state of your marriage for now. Sounds like you can’t do anything about that anyway so focus on what you can change.

OP you do know you are entitled to half his pension as well. So you would end up with way more than £60k.

I was due around £40k from my exes pension and we agreed I’d get a bigger chunk of the house sale as to not go through all the hassle of them having to cash in the pension.

Hi @Mumontheedge1249 I completely changed careers in my early 30s after splitting from my ex. Had no money, in debt etc but slowly built up a great career and earning potential. Mid 30s is young and there is plenty of time for you to train, make more money, and create a life that is fulfilling for you. As PP said 60k might not pay a deposit but it can give you rent money and a few years to work out what you want. Also don’t assume a 50/50 split - your PT term time only job has enabled his career and provided free child care. You have sacrificed your earning potential for his benefit and this is considered in the settlement. There are all kinds of arrangement you could negotiated including staying in the family home until youngest is 18. While you are getting ducks in a row see a divorce lawyer to get and idea of likely outcomes for you.

Agree re pension.

jf his pension is say worth £150k which is not beyond the realms of possibility then you may get the vast majority of the house equity.

As someone else said, he may be planning to leave you too in 3 years so you need to make plans anyway.

start the ball rolling by telling him it’s over and that you will be living seperate lives now.

first step is to get a full time job even if paying NMW or thereabouts. You can retrain in the evenings.

good luck!

First step is getting a job that isn’t just term time especially as your children are old enough to not need a SAHP anymore. Is it just you not wanting to try or both of you?

Any idea what either of your children want to do, further education, apprenticeship or straight out to work ? This shouldn’t be a reason to change whatever you decide but it’s a consideration.