No sex for 3+ months

[RockReptilia]

Hi all

thread title really.

Just come back from a holiday, I came on my period the day we went away, which I was disappointed with and I think he definitely was also. I’m aware the lack of sex is causing problems, which mean we end up having ‘unrelated’ arguments, that don’t make me want to feel closer to DP of 5 years.

We’ve got into a rut of routine, work, early morning dog walks taking priority. He’s a very regimented person, to the point where it feels like sex is only really on the table in a very narrow window of 15 minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning. If I want to have a lay in one day of a weekend (not excessively so in my opinion, this morning I woke at 8am which was the latest I’ve slept in 2/3 weeks.)

I opened my eyes at 8am and he asks ‘are you coming on a dog walk?’ Immediately. I mumble to ask when he wants to leave, still half asleep. He then says ‘I thought we were having sex this morning’ implying that the opportunity has now been lost. I get out of bed before 8:05, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and throw on some dog walking clothes and we are out of the door in ten minutes.

The dog walk is pretty frosty. I have a building feeling of being ‘on the naughty step’ in the relationship. We don’t communicate well on this issue, but I have previously expressed feeling like sex is on a rota of it having to be Saturday/Sunday somewhere between 6:00/7:00 am limiting (he denies that this is true, but it really doesn’t seem to be on the cards any other time due to the routine/schedule.)

I’m not sure where to go with this, maybe just needing a vent, to ask for advice from others who have been in a similar place in their relationship. I don’t really like to discuss my sex life with friends!

so he thinks it’s accepts me to make that bold statement about sex is that meant to turn you on? If he wanted it that bad he could have initiated it. If my partner spoke to me like that about being intimate almost chastising you it would upset me greatly

You've been with him 5 years, is this behaviour new?

You say he's 'regimented', does that mean controlling? For example, did you want to go on the dog walk?

I could have very happily stayed in bed this morning, but during a post argument discussion a couple of months back he expressed that he found a shared dog walk really valuable, and he’d appreciate if I make the effort to join him on the weekends.

Knowing that sex wasn’t happening, I chose to try to mitigate the annoyance by going on the walk.

I think where this situation has come from is since having a new dog about a year ago. Previous to that we had an old dog who passed away, and was far less demanding of going out for a big early walk, which gave much more opportunity for the weekend slot to be sex, not ‘let’s get the dog out’ first thing. He’s naturally an earlier riser than I am, I think we just aren’t currently compatible on the when it happens, but it feels like I’m the one who’s responsible for aligning with his timeframe, or it just doesn’t happen and that’s where we’ve got to now.

OP this isn't making much sense. There are 24 hours in the day yet your husband has a 15 minute "sex slot" to which you either comply or face a sexless relationship.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Why doesn't he want sex at any other time of the day?
You haven't mentioned children. Are there any in the picture?
My husband used to be much more of a morning sex person but with an early riser toddler that can't happen anymore so sex happens more in the night time now. Is this not an option for you guys?

No kids involved, no.

This is a possible drip feed, but I’m aware that he has some possible erectile dysfunction, I found some viagra in the bathroom. I’ve never discussed this with him, but I think it contributed to me not wishing to overly initiate sex incase it wasn’t reciprocated, which has contributed to the current dynamic.

I think primarily I’m aware that there is a communication problem, I just have no idea how to go about starting the conversation.

Fred, I'd really like to talk about our sex life as it's been quite a while...

you know it already - but you really need to start talking to one another about sex.

I can’t work out how it is possible to use viagra and not talk about it. My DH does - he’s 56 and getting old! But if it can’t be mentioned then how does the man know whether to take it or not?

As a PP said - just tell him you’d like to talk about sex, you’ve seen the viagra, Is he taking that?

I don't think you need to make it a big 'conversation'- you could just respond to him eg when he says "I thought we were having sex this morning" you could say "yes i still want to, let's go back to bed after the dog walk?" If he says no, that's your opportunity to gently enquire why not? Don't let him put the responsibility on you if you feel he's the one setting these boundaries and rigid expectations

It doesn't make you feel very sexy or desirable, when sex is so regimented - "It's 8.05am darling, time for a quickie before Rover needs a shit".

He could walk the dog on his own then come back to bed for a bit - pun intended

or have some signal for evening sex "early night tonight dear"...

He cannot expect you to want sex on demand though at the same time every weekend just so you fall into his routine. You aren't Rover..

Thank you all for the advice. And yep, I definitely do not feel sexy first thing in the morning/knowing I’m on a schedule!

Hes gone out to work (self employed) and will get back about 4ish. In any other relationship I’ve had previously, I’d be up for suggesting we go up to bed for a bit, but that doesn’t feel like an option in the current dynamics

It’s all just become a bit stale and resentment is kicking in. If I’d suggested going back to bed post walk, he’d have said he wants to get to work for 10. He’ll get back and complain he’s tired, but can’t bare ‘sitting around the house doing nothing’ where I see it as spending time together in private, that could potentially lead to sex. So it will be him popping to the pub for a couple of pints, I’ll tag along and listen to him say how tired he is, get back for dinner, antiques roadshow and an early night of sleep. Rest and repeat.

He got home, asked how I was with no eye contact and in a bad mood, taken the dog out to the pub.

Definitely on the metaphorical naughty step…

What is he in a mood with you about?

The no sex this morning would be my assumption.

He brought it up last week while we were away, pointing out the 3 month time lapse. And last night, he suggested we do it this morning. Then I’m woken up with ‘are you coming on the walk?…I thought we were going to have sex this morning’ to which I responded ‘So did I!’ But apparently, 8 am wake up was not compatible with it still being an option.

Im in the wrong for still being asleep. For not going up to bed at 10:15pm when he did last night, because I was still finishing my glass of wine and dinner. He thinks the failing is me not being on his schedule, if I had gone to bed the same time as him (abandoning my dinner) then I would have woken up at the correct time, to have sex and the dog walk.

Sigh. He won’t say it out loud unless I push for it, but I’ll have the sulking and grumpiness.

I just don't get why you're bothering. I mean I get that divorces are stressful but no way in hell would I stay in a relationship like this. Having to fucking schedule a shag and a man taking the huff with me. Nope. Let alone the fact that it sounds like him who is incapable of sex and trying to make it seem like it's a you issue. Mind game bullshit.

Only point in a relationship is to make life happier and hopefully, easier. This one seems to be the opposite. A big joy sucking sponge. Time to smell the coffee and go. Once resentment is in a marriage, it's over.

To be fair if he was called Fred it would probably put me off sex too…

The thing that stands out here is
“no kids involved”
this makes it much easier to walk and not on a dog walk with him - as in walk out of this horrible situation - why on earth are you still with him? Don’t waste your life

Do you think his behaviour is healthy? Do you think that giving you the silent treatment because you didn't wake up on time for your scheduled 15 minutes of joy, is normal behaviour?

No, I feel pretty trapped in the situation.

If someone gave me even £10k, I’d leave.

I moved to London to live with him, left my job, car, home. I have a job here that pays £25k a year, it honestly feels impossible to imagine being able to stay in London.

I do just feel a bit hopeless about being stuck in a situation with someone who dislikes me. A complete failure. I know what I should/need to do, but I’m stuck on actually making anything happen to change it.

Are you happy with him?
He sounds like a pain in the arse.

On that wage you wouldn't be able to live in London alone. You could try getting a house share which is a lot cheaper.

OP he's nuts. The only reason you don't think he's mad as a box of frogs is because you're used to it. No one should get used to this kind of behaviour.

Get some support to leave. Refuge webchat is available until 10pm Mon-Fri. Have a chat about your relationship and come up with a plan.

Ok well based on your update, sex is completely irrelevant then. Because we don't have sex with men we no longer love and wish to leave.

I know we get brainwashed into thinking it's owed. It's not. Not even in a happy marriage. Which, this is not.

It may be respectful to actually be honest and tell him it's over so he knows not to expect it. And so you can, theoretically, work together to separate. But if you think this might be a dangerous thing to do then I would quietly make your own plans to leave.

See if you can get a similar job elsewhere where you can afford rent. Or consider a house share as the above poster suggested. I had a wonderful summer house sharing in London with some ladies a few years ago. One of the happiest times of my life so far. It costed me 900 per month all in. Obviously you'll have things like food and transport costs too. But 25k is more than doable.

Why didnt you say me too? Come on then let’s do it now?

Edit. Cross post. Leave him.

End it.It shouldn't be this weird and difficult.I stayed in a 8 year marriage without kids and we had sex less than once a year in the final couple of years.I got out at 32 thankfully.