I feel like I already know what answers I’m going to get but I’m going out of my mind and I’m too embarrassed to even talk about this with my friends etc to here goes.
We’ve been married 6 years and have on DS (3) and he has a DD (13) from previous. Over the near decade we’ve been together he’s messaged other women on a handful of occasions, that I’m aware of. They’ve been relatively innocent, bar one, although I know the intention for attention from other women was no doubt the intention on his part and he’s never physically acted on anything. We’ve argued and he’s promised it was stupidity and he loves me and offered up deleting social media etc and we’ve moved on. However, yesterday I had a police officer at my door issuing my husband with a written ticket (?) for harassment (not threatening or sexual) over messaging my neighbour. I was absolutely floored. He answered the door and I had no idea until I rewatched security footage that had popped up on my phone as I was busy upstairs. I tried to ask him about it and he just gets moody and tells me he doesn’t understand why she got police involved and that’s what he gets for being friendly blah blah. He said he wouldn’t do anything with someone who literally lives on our doorstep and it was all innocent.
I’m motified. I don’t even want to leave the house for fear I’ll bump into her or that she’s looking at me with pity or whatever, or that she’s told other neighbours that I know she’s friendly with and they’re all looking at me because of his actions.
I just don’t know what to do! He’s barely offering up any kind of explanation and doesn’t seem to recognise that he’s done anything wrong other than not telling me he’d been talking to her ‘innocently’ despite me trying to reason that he must have done something wrong for her to feel the need to call the police and they’ve been shown the messaged which were clearly enough to warrant them to pay him a visit.
I feel like each time this happens a little piece of me breaks, our relationship isn’t perfect but we get on well and I love him so much, he’s a fantastic Dad! But we aren’t having the best time from an intimacy point of view. For the last few years I’ve felt like a pest, initiating and down right asking for sex and usually being rejected, we’re down to probably once very two to three months at the minute and have been for quite a long time despite my trying. He claims he’s just tired from our DS who wakes a tad early but is a good sleeper otherwise.
I can’t help but feel like I’m the problem. I basically offer myself up on a plate and he still strays and asks for the attention of other people instead of accepting and reciprocating the attention I give him daily.
If it were any of my friends I’d be telling her to leave but it’s never that straight forward. He owns the house - had it before we met - and my family aren’t on our doorstep like his are. I’ve nothing saved to start over again and I’m terrified I’ll miss out on my DSD life after being in it for more that she remembers. Not to mention my DS growing up having to go back and forth between houses, and missing out on his big sister, having witnessed first hand the drama and struggles entailed with all of that.
I feel like I need DH to understand me and provide me with real explanation and honesty but I can’t seem to get through to him without him just telling me he won’t argue and just to leave if I’m unhappy. I also am so torn as to whether staying again just makes me a complete doormat and is just inviting more years of the same. Any advise and perspective appreciated!