Is there any chance with this man? What do you think?

[WonderingWhy]

and your children?

There is a fantastic man (I think) whom I've known about 7-8 years.

He asked me out back then while I was seeing someone else, and I couldn't date him and was already in love with the guy I was seeing - I was pregnant as well, but this guy really liked me and said he wished he was the father.

Anyway I spent some time with him, without getting into a relationship, and had lots of fun together. I respected him and was fond of him.

Eventually he needed to know it would never progress into anything more, and I said I was staying with the bloke I was with, and liked him like a brother or a friend but that was all - didn't see him again properly after that, though we would bump into each other and he would compliment me and so on.

He started a long distance relationship with someone a few years ago, but complains to me that she doesn't want to marry or have children - I have in the meantime had another child but am single again.

Over the last 2 years I have started to fall in love with him. It might sound trite but I am genuinely unable to love more than one person at a time, and now I am fully over the previous man I am free to love again - and I can't say if it is real love because I haven't gotten any closer to this guy, but from what I know, I feel happy when I see him, excited, and long to be with him.

I could be deludng myself and I am unsure that he would take on a woman with 2 children, that aren't his! I'd feel guilty about that. I wish they were his children as he is wonderful

Just need to write it down, as he is coming round later to collect some logs I offered.
I have a feeling he may be splitting up with his girlfriend though of course I wouldn't push anything if he isn't - despite the fact he tried to kiss me all those years ago when I was taken!

I really, really fancy him and had to write it down so feel free to ignore, sorry

How do you proceed if you both like each other...I am so far out of dating I have no idea any more!

Sorry changed thread title but not first sentence - it was going to say 'how do you know if a man is right for you...and your children' but I messed up there!

Forgot to say he is 9 years older than me without any kids, never been married.

Are you sure it's not just that he looks appealing now there is no-one else in the picture? You weren't interested when you had a better option?

Well, I thought about that. I did have someone else in the picture when I began to realise how much I liked him, but that relationship did not last.

I think I was just totally in love with my partner at the time, there was nobody who could compare - it was pretty unhealthy and I have taken a long time to get to the point where I see how badly he was treating me.

So in a sense I suppose I have grown up a little and now see the worth of someone who would treat me properly and allow me my self esteem!

I have felt this way for over 2 years now so it isn't a blip. I even told him I was having feelings for him, months ago, but that I understood he was with someone. I avoided seeing him for a while after that as it wasn't sensible. But I like being friends with him and if he were to want to rekindle things, if he is going to be single again, I would be pleased to give it a try.

I don't think I want to be with someone for the sake of it - I've been single since about 18 months ago and am pretty busy so any relationship sounds like it will be hard work to integrate, with the children and everything. It's a scary prospect! But I would like to spend time with this guy - he is great fun and very interesting.

I can't think of anyone who would be a better option, now. I mean he is just lovely.
We get on pretty well.

I know various attractive men but nobody as, well, suitable...and when I say I'm busy I just mean with the children!! Not, ahem, anything else...

If he does split up with his girlfriend why dont you invite him round for dinner one night and then take it from there...?

Yes - might need to learn to cook first though! Or get a takeaway...

I'd like to be with him whether he felt able to be a step father or not - would love to have a child with him really (shh!) but not sure if I could juggle being a mum and a girlfriend. I have little enough energy for my own children and maintaining a relationship would be hard wouldn't it, if he wasn't 100% committed and he wasn't up for being like a dad to my kids?

I don't know how that would work.

my DP is brilliant with my DS. I'm afraid I couldnt have a relationship with someone who wasnt prepared to treat my son as if he were his own. (infact DP is by far a better "father" than DS's real dad in every respect).

DP is the only relationship I've had in nearly three years because of this reason.

It can be hard being a mum and girlfriend and I think if this man doesnt want to be involved with your children then it would be extremely difficult indeed.

Dont underestimate the problems with your DCs biological father too.

Why not just take it one step at a time?

You seem to be jumping the gun a bit IMO. From not even dating, to asking if he would be a father to your 2 children? No pressure on the guy, eh? lol.

Without sounding trite, maybe you need some time on your own for a bit, and need to understand why your previous relationships went wrong, before you embark on another one.

You sound very romantically-inclined, and I think you need to ground yourself a bit and stop fantasising.

The next step is i f the guy wants to see you- forget about having his babies for a while!

Well Hls, I hate to say it but whether someone would be a good father to your children is exactly what you need to think about before embarking on a potential relationship with anyone - this is exactly where I went wrong the first time!

Of course it is relevant and I may as well rule him out now before we even get started, if he would be uninterested in them.

I have with all due respect had plenty of time alone since last dating (around 18 months as I said) and am in no rush to reenter a relationship, especially without careful thought about what likelihood we have of working as a family one day...if it ever got that far.

Don't understand why you are saying this is ridiculous? I thought I was being sensible! I'm hardly going to get him in an armlock and demand he become part of the family if he doesn't want to, am I? (yet)

Also a bit offended that you are assuming that I haven't thought long and hard about why the other relationship went wrong...I hope I don;'t come across as stupid and lacking in insight. Of course I have gone over that stuff, in great depth, and only just now am I starting to feel I could even consider seeing someone new.

I feel a bit rubbish after reading your comments

Perhaps this was the wrong place to ask for advice etc

Thanks for all the helpful comments everyone else though

well, i think you should start to see more of him. i don't necessarily think you should put into words what you're actually thinking, but just having him round more and seeing how he gets on with kids etc.

and take it as it comes. i don't think you need to make it a formal 'i like you' kind of thing, just ease into it gently, and that way if you realise that it's not what you want, there's no back-tracking necessary.

reading the post from his I think there are some valid points there. Take it constructively I know its hard not to be defensive. While you have very important reasons (your kids and your happiness) to consider, having a light hearted, go with the flow attitude will help attract good guys who see a woman with self esteem and confidence.

Its not easy when there are alot of "what ifs"
what could have been. This guy represents the life you would have liked, the happiness and stability of one relationship rather than multiple heartaches. You want the relationship bar raised and improved... You had a connection in the past. If he is about to be single then leave the door open to get to know him better, see how he is with your children.

What he represents are good things and using those emotions and boundaries of what you wish to experience in a relationship are important parameters when seeking a new love.

Sorry you feel upset at my comments- I was just trying to say "slow down"!

You don't really know this guy yet you are wanting to have his babies and wishing he was your DCs father. Isn't that over-romantisising a bit?

I was trying to bring you down to earth a bit- I think my comments have done so, and that's why you don't like them.

If you want to see him more, then ask him over for a drink/coffee/go out somewhere together.

Thankyou, and sorry to be defensive - just the Hls made a lot of assumptions. Perhaps I didn't give enough information in the first place - I do feel I know him (or rather, knew him) pretty well - which is the basis of my 'desires' I suppose!
I wouldn't voice any of this stuff to him, that's why I posted on MN I guess. Working through my inner fears and concerns before even stepping into a relationship if you like...
I think walking up to him and saying 'I want your babies, let's have them now!!' would only serve to freak him out a little bit.

No, not really brought down to earth - I am far too acquainted with earth as such. But I do see your point about waiting till I know him much better before deciding if I want to have a family with him. That makes sense now and I get what you were trying to say. Thanks...there is a lot to a relationship and there would be baggage on both sides.

We would need seriously to discuss everything if we both wanted to go for it.

I consider myself advised It's all very well to dream and plan and so on but there would be two of us involved, I can't make all the plans just yet!

Good luck- hope it works and has a happy ending!

I'll let you know! Thanks again.