Considering move for better quality of life: I need advice

[ineedachangenow]

I’m from the north and want to move back for more space, less rush, and a better lifestyle for our children aged 4 and 6. My husband doesn’t love the South but we need a practical solution.

He has a niche, well-paying job mostly based in the Southeast with fewer than 5,000 people doing it in the UK. He currently works three days from home but finds it bad for his mental health and needs to be in the office. Fully remote is not an option and changing jobs carries risk since he has a strong, stable position.

I work fully remotely and it works for me but I know it’s not for everyone.

Moving north would mean him being away two nights a week. He understands this but is not keen on missing time with the children and me. He is very involved in family life, having taken five months shared parental leave for each child, doing school runs, covering most sick days, and doing lots around home. He says being away more would put more load on me and doesn’t want this used later to pressure him to quit or change jobs.

He is mostly indifferent and going along to keep me happy but would be making bigger sacrifices with travel, less family time, and job risk. I’m torn between the lifestyle benefits and keeping our current balance. Has anyone managed a big move where one partner made most of the compromises?

I think you’re being very unfair to him. You’re basically wanting to sacrifice HIS quality of life so you can improve YOURS. That’s not much of a partnership is it?

Agree with this tbh. Him going along with something he doesn’t want, staying in a hotel or flat a couple of nights a week when he’s such a hands on dad seems really unfair.

FWIW my ex worked away a lot and it made it really hard to adjust when he was home. He didn’t really fit in as we’d got too used to him not being here and he couldn’t really settle knowing he was going away again in a few days.

Even with a good relationship its tricky to manage. If there are any cracks this could highlight them and cause resentment from one or other (or both) and gives a lot of time to reflect on the relationship’s shortcomings when you’re apart.

I’d think very carefully before deciding to do this. You both need to be enthusiastically on board with a move like this and ideally have an end goal.

This wouldn't improve QOL. Your kids wouldn't see much of their dad, and when they did he'd be knackered and resentful as that's a heck of a lot of travelling each week. It's a non starter in my opinion.

I think you set up a budget so that he can change careers and you can both benefit from a more relaxed pace of life.

We did this and my DH took a 50% pay cut so we could move here. I had to increase my hours and managed to secure a promotion. The decrease in cost of living made it doable until then.

It's now back up to around 80% of his previous salary and we're all happier.

Could you move somewhere a bit more rural and slower paced closer to his work? It does sound like the cons list is quite long! I imagine it would be very hard for a hands on dad to have to spend two nights a week away from his kids, long term. Would you be willing make all those sacrificed if he asked you? Good luck!

I think it may be a bit tricky unless he can find a job locally or a reasonable daily commute near where you want to move to.