ExH still leading a double life

FreedomAt40 · 2025-08-09T18:04:31+00:00

Seperated 4 years ago, now divorced. ExH has been in a new relationship for 3 years. Him and the new girlfriend have been very public about their relationship on social media; family holidays with her children, pics with DS’s grandparents etc. We have a teenage son who spends time with his Dad but the girlfriend is never mentioned. DS is aware of the new relationship as both me and his friends have let him know (girlfriend is local to the area, has children of the same age) I appreciate this has nothing to do with me but find the compartmentalisation a bit weird and I’m concerned that some untruths and behaviours will have an effect on our son. Any thoughts?

Bittenonce · 09/08/2025 19:22

Hmmm is your son being lied to (in which case - bad thing) or is ex actually being pretty considerate in shielding parts of his life from him? He might be doing it for his own sake rather than your son’s, but - if it’s shielding rather than lying - I’d be cool about it.

TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 19:30

You’re right it’s nothing to do with you. Some people prefer to their dating life away from their DC which is a good thing imo.

And calling it ‘leading a double life’ is being a bit overly dramatic.

Im sure your ex is doing what he thinks is best for your DS and not sure why you felt the need to tell his business to your son when it’s not your story to tell.

It seems like you’re trying to clutch at straws just to criticise your ex.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2025 19:31

But your son is only aware of the 'untruths' because you and your friends have told him about it.

I didn't tell my children everytime I dated someone. I wanted to keep that part of and my life well.away from them until I let someome I wanted to introduce them to because it was serious. Was I compartmentalising my life? Damn right I was.

Children have absoutely zero interest in their parents' relationships/sex lives and, let's face it, he's knows at 14 that sex will.be on the cards.

So what if his dad doesn't want to involve him? Far better that than expecting his son and his girlfriend to play happy families.

Tbh, this sounds more like trying to find fault with his dad and clutching at straws rather than being something to be genuinely concerned about.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 19:35

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that your ex is keeping his new relationship separate from his son. The only reason your son knows is because you told him… your ex may not have wanted him to know at all, which would be his prerogative. Why did you tell him, out of interest? Would you be happy if your ex told your son details about your private life?

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 19:37

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2025 19:31

But your son is only aware of the 'untruths' because you and your friends have told him about it.

I didn't tell my children everytime I dated someone. I wanted to keep that part of and my life well.away from them until I let someome I wanted to introduce them to because it was serious. Was I compartmentalising my life? Damn right I was.

Children have absoutely zero interest in their parents' relationships/sex lives and, let's face it, he's knows at 14 that sex will.be on the cards.

So what if his dad doesn't want to involve him? Far better that than expecting his son and his girlfriend to play happy families.

Tbh, this sounds more like trying to find fault with his dad and clutching at straws rather than being something to be genuinely concerned about.

Agreed - I totally appreciate that this has little to do with me.
I think it’s sensible to see where a relationship is going before introducing kids into the mix. But 3 whole years? Family holidays with her kids and not my son?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 09/08/2025 19:38

I don’t think it’s a double life. It just sounds like he is prioritising time with his son when he’s with him, as he should.

But I think it depends on if it’s making life for your son uncomfortable, as in he goes to school with her children or is getting teased because his dad is taking someone else’s kids on holiday and not him. If he’s older than, say, 9 surely he can just say, dad, Bobby said you are dating his mum. Why don’t we do things together with them?

I think it’s much better to just get it out on the table. I remember being about 10 and I didn’t know my dad had a girlfriend…until we ran into them eating out at the same restaurant. It was a weird way to find out. Made even weirder because she could have been my mum’s twin. I noticed it. My mum noticed it. New girlfriend obviously noticed it. 😂 There were less awkward ways we could have had that conversation.

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 19:39

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 19:35

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that your ex is keeping his new relationship separate from his son. The only reason your son knows is because you told him… your ex may not have wanted him to know at all, which would be his prerogative. Why did you tell him, out of interest? Would you be happy if your ex told your son details about your private life?

Edited

He’d heard through friends as the girlfriends daughter is friends with some of my son’s friends.
Its been 3 years, not five minutes.

OP posts:

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 19:48

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 19:35

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that your ex is keeping his new relationship separate from his son. The only reason your son knows is because you told him… your ex may not have wanted him to know at all, which would be his prerogative. Why did you tell him, out of interest? Would you be happy if your ex told your son details about your private life?

Edited

I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I’ve just said it’s weird to compartmentalise after more than three years.
Yes, my son was told by a number of people. If it’s good enough for Facebook is it not good enough for him?
Im sure if I left my child at home, with grandparents to go on a holiday with a secret partner of 3 years and his children, the view on this would be somewhat different.

OP posts:

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 19:52

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 19:48

I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I’ve just said it’s weird to compartmentalise after more than three years.
Yes, my son was told by a number of people. If it’s good enough for Facebook is it not good enough for him?
Im sure if I left my child at home, with grandparents to go on a holiday with a secret partner of 3 years and his children, the view on this would be somewhat different.

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Maybe, but you’re adding in details that you didn’t put in your OP. I answered based on that.

OneHardyMintZebra · 09/08/2025 20:00

I agree OP, I think after 3 years it is a bit odd. I understand keeping new relationships away from kids and that’s a good thing your ex has done that but I’d also question why after so long. Maybe it’s not as serious as you’d think despite the time they’ve been together.
I was in a similar position with my ex- after a year and a half he still didn’t want me to meet his kids but he was happy to meet mine. Wanted to plan holidays and stuff with just my kids even a year in advance. He made excuses about his kids not being ready etc but in the end I thought it was a bit off and ended things. I fully think it was just about him not being ready to move on/complicate his life. The point is you don’t know his reasons but if he isn’t introducing his son to his girlfriend, there probably is a reason and I doubt it has anything negative to do with your son.

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 20:14

OneHardyMintZebra · 09/08/2025 20:00

I agree OP, I think after 3 years it is a bit odd. I understand keeping new relationships away from kids and that’s a good thing your ex has done that but I’d also question why after so long. Maybe it’s not as serious as you’d think despite the time they’ve been together.
I was in a similar position with my ex- after a year and a half he still didn’t want me to meet his kids but he was happy to meet mine. Wanted to plan holidays and stuff with just my kids even a year in advance. He made excuses about his kids not being ready etc but in the end I thought it was a bit off and ended things. I fully think it was just about him not being ready to move on/complicate his life. The point is you don’t know his reasons but if he isn’t introducing his son to his girlfriend, there probably is a reason and I doubt it has anything negative to do with your son.

Thank you for your reply and sorry that you have had to go through this.
I have at times wondered how the girlfriend feels, as I assume it’s a big milestone to meet each others children. Then sometimes I think, if they can do family stuff with her kids, why is our child not involved.
It opens up a whole can of worms really and whilst I appreciate ‘it’s nothing to do with me’, I certainly wouldn’t treat my child or partner in that way.

OP posts:

AmyDuPlantier · 09/08/2025 20:16

After three years it’s a bit batshit and surely makes your son feel unimportant and disrespected?

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 20:21

AmyDuPlantier · 09/08/2025 20:16

After three years it’s a bit batshit and surely makes your son feel unimportant and disrespected?

Edited

Thank you for the reassurance that I’m not going mad!!
Yes, 3 years imo is batshit, but I came on here to seek views and other people think that’s relatively normal.
My son does feel disrespected, but is also of the opinion that he’ll leave it to his dad to raise, why should it be him.

OP posts:

Bittenonce · 09/08/2025 20:53

Keeping some things separate? Fine. But if your son feels ignored, disrespected, I think maybe you should address this with your ex. Sounds almost like the GF is calling all the shots and if it’s at the expense of your son, your ex should stand up for him (and himself) more. If she’s a witch evil stepmum then maybe he’s best out of it? But there needs to be a way that means he’s not feeling second best.

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:01

Bittenonce · 09/08/2025 20:53

Keeping some things separate? Fine. But if your son feels ignored, disrespected, I think maybe you should address this with your ex. Sounds almost like the GF is calling all the shots and if it’s at the expense of your son, your ex should stand up for him (and himself) more. If she’s a witch evil stepmum then maybe he’s best out of it? But there needs to be a way that means he’s not feeling second best.

Thanks for your reply. I genuinely don’t blame the girlfriend. I know how good he is at lying and manipulating and at times I feel sorry for her (but also our son!)
It’s nothing to with me and I certainly won’t approach him on this, I just wanted other peoples opinion whilst I’m prepared for any emotional fallout.

OP posts:

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 09/08/2025 21:13

My ex did the same, he got together with one of his friends (used to be my friend too!) and pretended to our kids they were still just friends, fair enough at the beginning but after a few years it’s just crazy. They went on holiday together with the kids! My older kids knew because they’re not stupid, but were pretty sad their dad never had that conversation with them, at some point it feels less like protecting them and more just super weird and secretive..like they’re being lied to.

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:23

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 09/08/2025 21:13

My ex did the same, he got together with one of his friends (used to be my friend too!) and pretended to our kids they were still just friends, fair enough at the beginning but after a few years it’s just crazy. They went on holiday together with the kids! My older kids knew because they’re not stupid, but were pretty sad their dad never had that conversation with them, at some point it feels less like protecting them and more just super weird and secretive..like they’re being lied to.

Edited

Thank you!
i don’t think people understand the weirdness unless they are in this situation, like us. People obviously think 3 years is still ok ‘to protect the kids’ but what about 5 or 10 years then?
Typical manipulative behaviour, I could write a book.

OP posts:

pinkduckk · 09/08/2025 21:37

3 years does sound crazy...but isn't it hard to judge when is right?

Original poster

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:45

pinkduckk · 09/08/2025 21:37

3 years does sound crazy...but isn't it hard to judge when is right?

But to not even mention her? Vs public Facebook posts of him and her children ‘living their best lives’?

OP posts:

pinkduckk · 09/08/2025 23:40

Actually yes you're right..when he's so public with it elsewhere. I'd feel very uncomfortable about that too

PigletSanders · 10/08/2025 07:16

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:45

But to not even mention her? Vs public Facebook posts of him and her children ‘living their best lives’?

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Sounds like he’s playing happy families with the girlfriend and her children and doesn’t want your son ‘ruining’ their pretend set up.

To keep the girlfriend happy? Maybe. Would explain the ludicrous Facebook boasting. Because he’s an arsehole and thinks nothing of spending his money on those kids and leaving your son out? Definitely.

Your son will grow up, realise his dad doesn’t really give a shit and phase him out. Your ex’s loss, which he will realise at some point.

HopscotchBanana · 10/08/2025 07:29

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:45

But to not even mention her? Vs public Facebook posts of him and her children ‘living their best lives’?

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You're very invested in this. When actually your son sees his dad regularly and even better, one to one, which is the only thing you need to have on your radar.

What if the gf doesn't want to play step mummy -particularly to a partner she's not married too? Which she's perfectly entitled to feel. So as he wants to date her, he spends time with her and her kids, and then time with your son.

You're just cross that they are holidaying as a couple with her children, which if you didn't stalk on SM, you wouldn't see her "living her best life" (all about her again, isn't it)

Honestly, you sound a bit too invested, and jealous. Take your own child on holiday and plaster it on SM

Whyherewego · 10/08/2025 10:31

I did not let my kids know about my first serious bf after divorce. I was nervous about the impact on them if we broke up. So I didnt say anything but also didnt hide the fact that i had bf on social media. My week on/off schedule meant it was easy to spend time with him when I didn't have them and my focus was entirely on my DC when I had them. It worked for me.
We didnt go out for 3 years though ! More like a year.
My kids were older when I got serious with my current bf. They knew I had one but I maintained the week on /off thing for a good year or more so they never really met him. They all get along now we are 5 years in.

So to answer your question, it's a bit odd given duration and age of DC. It depends if he's lying about it ie denying her existence or just not introducing. If the latter it may be that he is less serious about her and doesnt think it will last

GreyCarpet · 10/08/2025 11:13

FreedomAt40 · 09/08/2025 21:45

But to not even mention her? Vs public Facebook posts of him and her children ‘living their best lives’?

Show quote history

I suppose the question really is does it matter?

My exh has become increasingly odd over the past 5 years. None of it makes any sense to me. But it's just not my problem. Yes, it impacts on the children (unfortunately) but they are now adults and, while I support them, I don't get involved. He's damaging his relationship with them and I feel I have to go above and beyond to be the good parent emotionally. Which is crazy because, only 4 years ago, we were mutually supportive and could easily talk and were very amicable - we've not had a single cross word since we separated. Almost overnight, and without anything changing, he started treating me like the 'crazy ex' and refuses to even be in the same room as me for the benefit of the children but what can you do? Nothing!

You do you and let him do him. Don't waste your time or your life analysing the whys and wherefores of his actions. Get on with your own life and leave him to his.