My relationship is in melt down and I'm going with it. (long sorry)

[minorbird]

I'm a bit of a blubbering wreck at the moment - having sat here for a hour reading any post in 'relationships' which related to me or that I thought might help me but I think the only thing that can truly help me at the moment is to just put it on paper/screen. So sorry if its long - so much water has passed under the bridge I dont even really know where to start.

I have a beautiful and bright DD who is 3. And have been with her daddy - my DH for 6 years. When we met - we moved in pretty quickly together - got married quickly and thus had the little one. But things started melting down quickly too - he's a Jamaican man who was studying here. And I put a lot of it down to cultural differences (ie: men and womens roles) but mainly communication differences. And I mean deep subconcious differences - where I cant read whether he is in a good or a bad mood from what hes saying. He doesnt know if im joking, serious, sarcastic etc... Even afterall these years! Infact - now I'm so tightly wound up that when we clash on anything - I hit the roof immediately.

Also we are just so different as people. I'm ambitious and hardworking and think big and want big things and he's so laidback hes horizontal and doesn't really believe that we can achieve big things - even though I've not done too badly for myself so far. And anything that is good in our lives is overshadowed by this dark cloud of anger that hangs over us both. If it;s not me - snapping - its him. We try to keep DD out of it but of course - its not always practical. ANd shes a very sensitive soul - she is always making little cards with granny that say things like "Please mummy and daddy be friends - I want a little sister called Sophie." and I just feel heartbroken that we can't be friends.

We dont have sex. I had a traumatic birth (3rd degree tear) and had PND after DD and I never really got my mojo back after that - I did try - I tried alsorts of things but it never worked for more than a night - and that is another of the cultural differences. My DH thinks women should give their bodies to their H whenever the H pleases! PAH! But its been so long now that he has given up even trying. Which I know is another big factor in our meltdown but we can't even talk about it anymore without it turning into a big inferno of accustations and insults.

We tried relate and the woman summed it up perfectly. We have very different upbringings, interests etc... We can try to make it work but it will involve a lot compramise and talking. Things which only seem to last a few days in our household because we cant fundementally change who we are. We are a product of our upbringing.

Oh it's such a mess - this probably isnt even coherent. Theres so much more - like my partner ended up in a pickle with his visa so I had to do an application for him. So he kind of relies on me - for him to stay here - for some years anyway. Because of this he couldnt work for around a year and I had to support him. Which was a real struggle and he didnt even appear grateful (although he claims he was - he never showed it) so I actually begrudged keeping him because he acted like it was a god given right. We've said such horrid horrid things to each other - that we should never have said and can never take back.

Theres been many times in the past Ive asked him to leave but he doesnt really have anyway to go. (apart from jamaica) So he doesnt go anywhere. Although he could get himself a little rented flat if he put his mind to it. So I have been thinking just lately that I should just leave him. It would be harder for me because I have to think about DD but it cannot go on like this - and it will - if i let it - it just goes on and on. We can have the most foul arguement - looks like its the end of the road and within the next few days - he acts like nothings happened and its so much easier to go along with it. SO I should put my foot down - so why do I feel so sad and tormented and guilty? I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions - I look across the sitting room now and sees his clothes laid out for work tommorro and my heart just hurts. He is a very sweet, gentle, good hearted, handsome man and I do think that even though I call him all kinds of things - its more our combination together thats bad rather than him or me as a person. (Although I have discovered I can be a real bitch! And I dont like that about me at all!) I'm terrifed that I'm making a huge mistake and that there wont be anyone out there as patient and kind and as loyal as he has been to me. He just wants me to be someone I'm not and short of a personality transplant Im not sure what else to do... God this is horrible, I do love him and I love my DD so much - I sooo did not want her to grow up as I did - without her daddy. She adores him so much. I told him I'm leaving him tonight and that I meant it this time but I'm already softening - any thoughts anyone?

Don't really have any specific advice, but didn't want you to go unheard.

I do know that dh and I have gone through bad times and have gto through them. Maybe not from as different backgrounds as you, btu we did want thhings to work out.

It soundes like you do love him. Do you want things to work out? Do you want to work out a way of living that accepts that you are tow different people?

Only you can make that decision. You first - as you need to want to d this. And then your dh - does he want to work at this?

Good luck, wahtever you both decide.

It sounds as though the issues you both have are clouding everything - how do you feel when you imagine youself and dd living alone without DH? Do you feel happier? Do you get any time when DH isn't there where you can just "be"? With my ex-H, although we were great friends we should never have married and I really was happier during those times I was alone, when he was at work or whatever. When he would get home I would immediately tense up & it was like a black cloud would decsend (sp?)

I think that whilst your DH has lots of good qualities, if you are constantly fighting the differences in each other, the incompatibilities, then at what point does it all become too much hassle?

Leaving is scary, of course it is. Would it help to think of it as a temporary arrangement? Say to yourself that you are taking some time away to test the water?

oops meant to add that you can't be responsible for your DH if you leave - he's a grown man who is well able to look after himself. Let him worry about where he's going to go if it comes to that.

So sorry to read about your situation. I didn't want to leave this unheard too, although I don't have much concrete advise to give.
My DH and I are from different cultural backgrounds too (DH English, me Singaporean-Chinese) and although there are many aspects of us individually that are so similar in personality (which is probably why we are compatible) but as the years go by and we get into the ho-hums of being married and having children, the cultural differences do show up now and then. So in that sense, I understand what you mean.
IMO, I think perhaps you and DH should agree on a trial separation. Some time to yourself and for him might clear both your thoughts.
At the same time, I can't help but think that perhaps your DH is contented with the way things are, he may not be happy with it, but you did say that he is laidback, and therefore, his hopes and aspirations for this relationship is not going to be as big as your's. Perhaps he does understand that fights and arguments will happen in any relationship, and therefore, he doesn't analyze too much when they happen, which could explain for why he behaves like nothing has happened after a big argument.
Good luck.

Thank you so much for your replies - and going to the trouble of reading that looooong rambling post! In the light of day it is so easy to let things slip back to normal. I dread DH coming home later because the atmosphere will be all frosty. Hes not very good at the whole 'discussing' thing - its me who pushes for it - but to be honest - I feel like we need a permanent mediator - tis like we talk different languages!

Pretty Bird I am glad to hear that things went well for you in the end and that you managed to overcome your difficulties. Sometimes I think if me and DH just cling on - we might make it and one day learn to live with each other in harmony. But I dont know if thats just a pipedream! BUt in answer to your question I would like it to work - I just don't know how - we've tried so many times and so many things... I was considering hypnotherapy to try and make me more easygoing (although I am easygoing with other people!) and more loving - not sure even Derren Brown could pull that off? Then I was considering AD's - (I know they have their drawbacks) I have read so many reports that they make you the person that you've always wanted to be. Which does seem a bit extreme - typing it now - changing the chemicals in my brain just to get along with DH better...

Mrs Shapely Bottom (great name) You are spot on - we have so many issues all mixed together that it completely clouds everything we do. We cant enjoy anything together anymore. Some fantastic things have happened in my career over the last few years and I have ended up crying/arguing just minutes before going to really important events and then having to try and act like everythings ok around my work collegues. Its horrible and everytime I say - never again. Infact its got so bad now that I rarely invite him along to anything anymore - I could be winning an oscar and it wouldnt matter. And yes - when im home alone - i really enjoy it - I only really miss him if I need him to help with the childcare or get a spider or do the manly things about the house or if other people are talking about their partners and get all these grand ideas in my head about how things could be... But that said - the idea of being without him forever - hurts. God - I cant live with him and cant live without him.

Green Day - thank you - I think you're onto something about the laid back thing. After a corker of a row - i think thats it - one of us have to go now and then the next day - nothing. He perhaps is a bit more accepting in this sense. Which is also why I think he's a good un! Cos a lot of men would have walked by now. SIGH - what to do - what to do... I am going to think some more about a trial seperation - I guess at least it would give me an idea of what it would be like as a lone parent too - with a bloody hard career that I need all the support I can get to continue (I know this isnt a reason to stay either)

Glad things seem a wee bit better in the light of day.

You can't really change yourself that much - by your age, your chracter is pretty much set. And the same goes for your dh. However, you can change the way that yuo react to things. You are reposnbible for your own feelings.

it is one of the things we did get out of our sessions with relate: to learn to be more honest and upfront with your feelings - and conversely, how not to let anger and a desire for revenge (or evenan amdission of "guilt" from the other party) get in the way of the outcome that you want.

An example that the counsellor gave was "someone is alwys really late coming to meetings and this is really pissing you off". The solution is to suggest, "This time is not working for us: is there another time that would be more suitable", ie not let the anger get in the way of trying to find a way forward.

Conversely, it is also important to tell your other half how you feel: if he does something to make you upset, to *say" "I feel upset/angry/worried because.... [eg: I am worried that I wll be left alone/you don't value my time/I am scared of being alone]"