OH debt -what do I do

[AzureFish]

Just after some advice on what to do, sorry about the long post!

Beginning of the year I found out that my OH had accumulated a large amount of money on a credit card (I opened one of three letters thinking it was something important for a house sale that we needed that day, he did know about it)

I spoke to him about it, he lied and said it was fraud, then said you're not buying it are you to which I said no. He then said it was money used to cover bills due to a short fall in his wages. That gut feeling just told me it wasn't right. I begged him to tell me what was going on and I got nowhere. Obviously since then the trust had been knocked and I have been wary, I noticed when he would get letters he would put them in his work bag. He said this was the only debt and he was sorting it.

About a month ago letters came and he opened it at home and then put it at the bottom of the bin. I know probably shouldn't have but it was just that niggling feeling, so I looked at the letter in the bin, a money demand letter for a loan.

Again, i questioned him about it and he said the same as before. Things had been pretty rocky since I found out about the first debt but this just made things a lot worse. He assured me this was it, there were no others and he had it under control with a debt management company.

Yesterday, a letter came and I recognised the sender address which is a loans company, I left it a few hours but couldn't stop thinking about it, I absolutely know I shouldn't have and it's an invasion of privacy etc but it was that guy feeling that something was off so I opened it, yet another loan company demanding money.

In total the debt is at 50k that I know about built up over two years.

We have three young children, and I'm absolutely terrified. I haven't a clue what's going on, he claims he doesn't know where the money has gone, he doesn't know what he's spent it on. I know he has a collection of designer coats and clothes etc. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I've been living in survival mode for so long, the trust has completely gone, financially I don't think I'm affected as we're not married but this has just completely ruined this relationship. I have asked him to show me that it's under control with a debt management plant but he said there's nothing to show, he's deleted the emails, I said surely you have an online account or something, he said no. I asked him if we could look through bank statements to see where the money went, he said there isn't any.

I feel like I just want to leave, pack up and go but I don't want to throw 14 years away. I'm so scared my children will hate me for leaving and breaking up the family like he says I will do, but I just physically and mentally can't carry on, Im so tired of masking and pretending everything and myself is okay when it's not. I feel so torn and so guilty on him if I do leave, I feel I'm leaving him sinking. I have no clue how I would leave, the only saving I had he's plowed into a house extension, and I'm in university so my income is from student finance.

I just don't know what to do I feel so stuck and trapped in this nightmare, my trust for him has completely gone. Am I bad for wanting to leave. What do I do.

There is absolutely no way that he doesn't know where the £90k has gone in just a few years. You literally can't spend that much on nothing. It's drugs, gambling or prostitutes sadly. It's far beyond spending too much on rounds of drinks in the pub or too many Costa Coffees! Remember this is on top of "normal" spending which would be covered by his wages. You need to change the locks and tell him to bugger off. It's not just the debt, it's the repeated lies and deceit and lack of respect for you.

He has spent what, £800 a week for two years @AzureFish ?
I am so sorry you have been involved with this. I don't know how he has managed to sleep at night or look you in the eye every day.
Whatever he is spending money on, it is worth more to him than you and your dc. Inexcusable.
Spend a few pounds and change the locks. What an utter lying bastard.

AND DON'T YOU DARE PAY A PENNY OF IT FOR HIM!!

I know how you feel, OP. My ex brought bailiffs to our door and he was/is a gambling addict. But he would never admit it. He was a liar. You need to get rid of him. You cannot help an addict. You did not cause it and you can't save him. Think of yourself and your children. Knowledgeable people on here will explain to you what help there is out there.

This. If he wants you to stay, he sits and shows you his bank account going back two years. He shows the statement relating to the debt letters, and then he runs a credit report on himself in front of you, while you watch.

If he won't co-operate, then he is a liar, your relationship is built on one big lie and you need to leave. I'm so sorry.

What on earth has he spent 90k on????

OP, I once made some huge mistakes with money and got myself into £37k of debt. It took about 6 or 7 years though and it was mostly through living beyond my means. I buried my head in the sand, moved it to 0% cards and paid the minimum each month but eventually I couldn’t get any more 0% offers and I had to face up to the reality of what I’d done.

I was very fortunate that a family member cleared the cards and put me on a payment plan with them. I spent the next 5 years paying it off. Without it, I would have needed a payment plan or possible bankruptcy. I’ve never been as stupid with money since.

From the experience of someone who’s been there, I’d suggest the following:

1. I’d say it’s unlikely he’s spent £90k on ‘nothing’ in 2 years. Far more likely there’s a gambling, drugs or other addiction lurking in the background. If he’d spent an extra £25k a year, living with him I’m sure you’d have noticed. I just don’t see how that’s possible.
2. If you want to continue the relationship then he needs to come clean - total transparency including the letters from the debt management company. You also need to see his bank account as that’ll give you some indication of what’s really going on. Presumably he was having to make payments to these credit card companies.
3. He needs to go to counselling. There must be some hidden issues there to not only burn through that money but be willing to hide it from you.

You should probably get some advice too. Living with him might mean your finances are linked. Have you seen any mortgage statements recently? Make sure he’s not borrowed against the house.

@AzureFish Only read up to the end of page 2! 90k debt?? in 2 years??? what the fuck is he spending it on??? the weekend he is away to just now, was it free? how much did it cost??? He is the proverbial ostrich!! head in the sand. he will bury the whole family!! everything must be open and fully visible!! rip up the cards!n no more loans or you walk.

Sending you love and support. What a horrible thing to find out. You will be ok. Keep us posted how you’re doing. There are a lot of people here who have been through the same thing and can help you

As @2catsandhappy says, that’s £800 a month on top of wages. £200 a week. Thats a lot of money to spend. I presume there’s not hoards of designer clothing hanging around, and he’s not given you designer handbags for Christmas, and doesn’t have expensive hobbies or brought a racehorse recently. He knows where that money has been spent.

@AzureFish you need to sit with him while he is on the phone to the bank to ask for the last 7 years of printed statements for all accounts. if he wont do that then relationship is dead in the Water! I received written statements for the previous 7 years for an account I had forgotten about just last year!

He's being a total cockwomble and threatening your family unit by being too proud and too silly to address this really serious problem. He needs to be told that (you can tell him I said so) and he needs to man up and face down the problem and get it sorted. You're a family, so you'll do it together, but no more lies, prevarication and hiding. It's entirely possible to rack up £50k in 2 years by spending a couple of hundred quid a week more than you earn, taking 2 holidays abroad a year you can't afford, defaulting on credit card payments and having punitive interest rates and unplanned overdraft charges etc etc. He'll probably disengage if you push him for reasons etc but people really can fritter tremendously. My father died in debt and at our leisure I was able to slowly unpick it all - he would spend about £30 a day on stuff from Amazon (new pants, printer paper, another laptop bag, filing cabinet inserts, a different sized wrench for a particular task etc etc) and had furnished a couple of holiday on credit cards etc, snd base more essential spending was higher than his income by several hundred pounds a month. It's incredibly easy to let it all run away with you. It's a big climb back but he's got to do it

No it’s 865 a week. £3,700 a month. A bit more than I get paid every month. It’s shocking.

Addicts always lie OP.

As others have said, he knows what he's spent this on, it's either an addiction or a double life, it's a lot to spend and you not to see a noticeable change of lifestyle.

You will be able to apply for universal credit as a single person, the tuition part of student finance isn't taken into account, the maintenance part is, the first £110 each month is disregarded.

Speak to the university, you may be entitled to additional financial help.

It’s much worse than that, it’s 800 a week!

Assuming there isn't a Ferrari parked on the drive, £90k in two years is something very specific and he knows where it has gone. It would be impossible to spend that on cocaine without OP being aware he was using so gambling would be my guess.

Or he has another family stashed away somewhere. Where is he this weekend?

How old are your children op?

Eek!

Check your own credit report too. He may have fraudulently taken out loans in your name.

Ive checked, nothing in my name thankfully

2, 5 and 9

Going to contact CBA and the uni on Monday see what help I can get! What a mess this is!

You said you had an extension done . Could it have been used for that or some of it .
And then could some be bills/mortgage payments?
As you dont work. Maybe he is bad at budgeting.
Have you had holidays ?
Has he definitely still got his job? Or gone part time so made the difference up?
Does it show on his credit report at all?
I would definitely try and get the truth from him before making any decisions.

Holy cow, 90k is a lot. Especially with little to show for it. Could it be drugs?

Good plan to talk to the uni. Hope they are helpful. Bear in mind as well that child support payments are considered a priority outgoing, before debt payments. So if you do split, and he gives you the whole 'i can't afford to pay for my kids, because of the debts' nonsense, just be ready for that. He should be including that amount in his essential outgoings when negotiating debt repayment plans.

Do you have a friend or family member you can talk to? Its a lot to deal with on your own.

OP so sorry you are going through this. That is a phenomenal figure to not really know what you’ve spent it on. That tells me he is absolutely lying through his teeth. If the debt were a couple of grand, you could possibly explain it away with the odd extra designer purchase (which he should never have bought as he doesn’t have the funds to afford it). I wouldn’t trust a word he says if he can’t explain 50k debt (that you know of, could be even more).

I dont have any financial advice (seems others know alot more on here about what to do with your mortgage etc). If you want to stay together and get on a path to work through it, I would give him the ultimatum that you are either fully involved in the debt management process (you see all the information/figures etc) and that gets professional help aswell with his spending habits.