Ruminating compulsively on DP’s old sex life

[Dadimposter]

First off, I apologise for being a dad on here - I feel like a complete imposter posting, but I read here a lot and I’d really appreciate some new perspective on an issue which has been crushing me for years.

I’m married with children under 10. They’re the best thing in my life and I try very hard to be a good parent. Outwardly, things are good; we have a lovely house and a lot of material goods, no debt, I get to spend a lot of quality time with the family and I work to provide.

The way my wife and I were brought up was very different, and I think that’s informed how we communicate love. I like hugs and touch, and I like giving presents. My wife is quite different, she says she doesn’t enjoy hugs at all, and doesn’t give, and actually never really likes being given things. I don’t learn, and I’m always trying to give her things to show I love her. This school holiday she’s been on a surprise holiday with her friends I organised and a week at a yoga retreat. She hasn’t worked for 15ish years since we were mid-20’s and looking after the kids whilst working is, well I’m sure people know what that’s like!
I’ve a diagnosis for OCD and ADHD, which I hope makes what I’m about to say slightly less ridiculous. So, for the past decade and a half I’ve had these awful intrusive thoughts plaguing me on a daily or even hourly basis, of very vivid past sexual encounters my wife has had. All before we met and she’s not been at all unfaithful so I’m very aware it’s totally unreasonable. When we first got together she went into far too much detail about her past, and it’s all this which replays in my head. The therapist said it was my brain’s way of dealing with not receiving physical affection, or any kind I suppose.
The ruminations have got me to some pretty dark places and I desperately want to not experience them.
I wondered if anyone else had experience of this sort of situation?

Has your therapist given advice on how to stop them?

I hope you are not communicating this to your wife or sharing that her past sexual activities are taking you to dark places. And to be honest, why are they causing you such upset? She wasn’t cheating, it doesn’t matter. Why does it bother you?

It sounds as though your love language has jarred with hers from the word go. What about her convinced you that she was the one to build a life with?

Well, I suppose you should not delve too deeply into someone's sexual past. Having said that though, my partner was single for 25 years prior to meeting me and sex was a very transactional affair for her. She had affairs with various married men and several short-term 'relationships' whom she met through friends or in the later years, online. No real emotional connection. Or at least, not at any substantial level.

She was a single Mum, focused on raising her kids and sex was seen as something negotiable. Men came and went.

Since being with me, having got together after Covid, sex hasn't been the loving experience I'd hoped it would be. It feels transactional. It seems that whenever love, devotion and commitment rear their heads, she slams the brakes on. She doesn't want to break up, but in the same vein, feels unable to commit completely.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I’ve had extreme rumination about a partner before (not their sex life but other things) and it’s hell. It’s like you can’t reason your way out of the thoughts and they pop up and attack you out of nowhere until you’re crying in the loo.

The only thing that worked for me was rerouting the thoughts. Our brains love the easiest course with no resistance and your path to those thoughts is well worn by now. Every time I had an intrusive thought I’d force myself to think of a lovely memory of DP instead - the things they’ve done that I love, great days out together. It’s hard and you have to do it and replace the thought by force over and over again. But my thoughts did go away. Now I never have them and it’s been about 5 years since I did.

Im not saying it will work on you but it’s worth a shot!

If you search up ROCD that may help you find other people’s stories.

If you search up ROCD that may help you find other people’s stories. Though it’s not a clinical diagnosis many use the acronym to discuss OCD with relationships as their point of rumination. However also remember that obsessive googling is also rumination!

My partner struggles with what you do and it is absolute hell for the both of us when he gets in a dark place. Its called retroactive jealousy and we are yet to find a therapist who really knows anything about it or how to combat it

I imagine the OCD is the reason it bothers him...

I have diagnosed OCD and ADHD as well. I found the best way to deal with intrusive thoughts is to label them for what they are. Thoughts. They’re not the reality of what is happening now. She has not cheated on you. Our OCD loves to feed on our deepest fears. You’re starving for affection from her so your OCD is playing vivid scenes of her with other men in your head. Don’t try to push the thoughts away. Acknowledge them, label them “this is my OCD playing on my biggest insecurities and fears- it’s unpleasant and makes me feel like shit”, and carry on with your day. The less weight you give to the thoughts, the weaker they become.

Im sorry as I know how truly distressing it is. For what it’s worth- you sound like a lovely caring husband.

The therapist said it was my brain’s way of dealing with not receiving physical affection

It sounds like your therapist is encouraging you to blame your wife for your toxic thoughts, and making it her responsibility to fix you. Sounds like a truly terrible therapist.

Maybe cause and effect are the other way around? I wouldn't want to be affectionate with my dh if he was brooding obsessively about my exes.

I’m sorry this sounds so hard! I think different love languages can be difficult but that is separate from the intrusive thoughts which I think sound like the biggest problem for you. I wouldn’t rely on a therapist when it comes to helping you with ocd and adhd as few are trained for this. I think the intrusive thoughts are more likely ocd related and not lack of affection and I’d be going gp if I were you as there are various medications you could try that would help calm those thought loops down. Then have a chat with wife and see if you can compromise on affection. But just to check. When you say hug do you just mean the comforting hug or more of hug turns to a grope? I find most men mean the latter and most women hate it and can then become seemingly unaffectionate!

Yes, agree that the therapist is talking nonsense. The thoughts are just thoughts.

The therapist said it was my brain’s way of dealing with not receiving physical affection, or any kind I suppose.
The ruminations have got me to some pretty dark places and I desperately want to not experience them.

Taking these two statements together, it sounds pretty threatening tbh. It sounds like you're saying, your wife had better start giving you physical affection or else you'll "go to dark places".

I hope she's OK.

If you genuinely want to improve your situation, you need to take responsibility for fixing your problem. This might include getting medication for the OCD, and certainly ditching your therapist.

If you ever do "go to dark places" it will NOT be your wife's fault.

He has mentioned obsessions but not compulsions. It sounds like good old jealousy that his partner has had sex with other people.

He said he's been diagnosed with OCD. I'm not sure why you think that's not relevant.
I do think the therapist comment is shit though. It's not the wife's responsibility to soothe his obsessive feelings and if she were to be 'more affectionate' he would fixate on something else because it's the OCD not the lack of affection that is the issue.

I feel for her. It must be hell to live with, especially since it sounds like he has a therapist who basically blames her. Awful.

I’d love to hear your wife’s side to this. I wonder if she has the luxury, with ‘children under 10’, to be plagued by pointless thoughts all day.

This is why I'm single. I could be with someone so cold. Who doesn't give of themselves.

OCD doesn’t mean that you get a pass to make your wife miserable by whinging on about the ‘dark place’ you go to because she’s had sex before she met you.

If he doesn’t let on to his wife that any of this is the case, then okay. If he doesn’t let on, that is unacceptable and abusive, OCD or no OCD.

I had an ex exactly like this. Couldn’t cope, apparently, with the idea I’d had sex with men before him. Endless naval gazing about the ‘depression’ this sent him into and how it left him in the pits of despair.

It’s abuse.

I had an ex exactly like this. Couldn’t cope, apparently, with the idea I’d had sex with men before him. Endless naval gazing about the ‘depression’ this sent him into and how it left him in the pits of despair. It’s abuse.

And quite pathetic. Woman is her own person and had a life. Shocker.

OP is a misogynist 🙄