How to co parent when you parent differently

[Lms2025]

Me and my ex are always getting into bickers because he believes I’m not a good enough mum, he was brought up very strict and I wasn’t. He likes to tell me how I should parent our 19 month old and gets upset and angry with me when I don’t do things his way. It’s really draining and I don’t know how we are supposed to go about always disagreeing. Any advice please

I had this situation, and always backed up my arguments with solid research, eg on attachment bonds, child development, developmental stages etc. he couldn’t argue against that (though he tried!) as he never did his own research.

Well be glad he is an ex for starters. Tell him you will parent your dc how you see fit in your time and he can do the same.
My exh allowed everything I opposed. The dc voted with their feet when they chose to live full time with me in their teens. Don't change your beliefs to pander to him.

Who the fuck is strict with a baby? Is she safe with him?

How does he know how you parent?
You’re divorced so there’s no choice but to parent your different ways and involve social services if the other parent is too strict/lenient.

You say

"I will always be the best mum to our dcs that I possibly can but using my approach. I don't interfere with your parenting, and I don't expect you to interfere with mine."

and repeat, over and over until he gets it.

Otherwise ignore his comments, unless you think his parenting is likely to cause serious harm.

Thank you for all your comments it’s really driving me mad, her routine has been thrown out of the window a little recently and she has been going to bed later which I’m not pleased about myself but he really blames me for every bloody thing that isn’t going ‘well’ with her. I did agree with him that her routine needs to be sorted out and I will adjust it so I can figure it out and she can go to bed earlier but it actually is so odd it gets to a point where it upsets and angers him and he goes all weird with me about it. He said I carry her too much, but she has hit that point where she has separation anxiety and does want to be held a lot and it’s my fault that she doesn’t want him as much because I’ve made her clingy. I told him it’s common that babies of this age do this it’s a mother and baby thing and he basically said that’s rubbish. It’s so frustrating and really bothers me being told what to do with her I feel like he judges me all the time

We are newly separated and he has come over to visit her here but I’ve told him it’s not working anymore him coming here. He’s upset he can’t see her daily but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t dig at him for how he likes to parent her and I always feel like he constantly digs at me

He seems to exert a lot of control. How much time does he spend in your home?
How much parenting does a 19m old need that requires strictness?

I have two older children who aren’t his and he brings them into our arguments telling me how much of a crap job I’ve done with them and that really bugs me because they are good kids, they’ve had their difficulties but they are fine. I’ve not had the dad around for my older too and it’s has been difficult raising them both alone, I’ve had previous help from social services and family solutions and always welcomed any help and they always closed our case saying how lovely the kids are and how well I’ve done so for him to tell me different really hurts and gets to me. Sorry for the rant 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Dweetfidilove I really feel like if he doesn’t get his own way he gets angry. He has been coming over a few times per week so far to spend a few hours here with her. I really don’t feel like it should be an issue like he makes out because she is still so young and keep telling him we parent different and I was brought up different to him and that’s fine everyone is different but I think he struggles to understand that. It’s just annoying because I let all his comments get to me and question whether I’m doing a good job when I know I am. She is a happy healthy little girl and I don’t want to feel like I have to change my ways of parenting her just for him to be happy

Breathe. And only have contact with him about when he’s having his child. Away from your home on his own.
It’s always tricky when you first separate. My ex was dreadful and didn’t have a clue how to parent. He was far too strict. I told him he’d drive them away with his punitive rules and he has. He’s much better now with DC2, but with DC1 he was ridiculously firm. So they rarely see him now they’re an adult.
Set boundaries, you’re not together and he need to learn how to parent. It will be different to you, but you have to find a way to let this bit go. It’s really difficult, but best in the long term. Obviously as long as he’s not harming them. But it’s ok to be different.
Keep your distance from him so he can’t control you.

@YetanotherNC25
Thank you. He has been hoping we will get back together but the reason we split was because the arguments were becoming too frequent and in front of the kids as well. I really believe he only wants to get back with me so he can be here daily to make sure our daughter is being parented how he wants. He was round earlier and ended up in arguing and I said to him we will never work and this is exactly why because we argued once again over differently parenting with her and he ended up saying well he’s going to kill himself then might as well just die, I’ve never seen him in that kind of state so I stood in front of him and said no you won’t be doing that and he pushed me with quite some force out of his way. This is the second time he has pushed me although he likes to deny the first time ever happened and makes it even more clear to me why I shouldn’t go back to him. We have had our arguments but I have never pushed him and I do wonder whether he would do the same to our daughter when she’s older if she disagrees with him. I’ve mentioned to him that he will drive her away as she gets older if he’s too strict on her but he seems to think otherwise. I’ve been struggling with knowing whether I should get back with him and still having feelings for him but I think it’s obvious it would never work and I shouldn’t be with someone who can push me. I think I will keep my distance from now on and set some boundaries and just tell him I will parent how I want to and he has to deal with that

Well, he sound like a pretty rubbish parent tbh. He’s coming over a few hours a week and not really doing any solo parenting independently of you. He is likely the one messing up your routine. Meanwhile, you’re juggling everything with 3 kids while he is well rested, not doing much, but with plenty of time to sit around critiquing. She is unsettled with him because she doesn’t spend much time with him and probably because she can sense the anger and tension he brings.

He needs to stop coming to your house and he needs to parent her himself independently. She is plenty old enough for time out and about and to start overnights if he’s capable. Everyone has all sorts of ideas about how to parent until they have to do it, so I’d let him crack on and hopefully that improves their relationship.