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Meeting old school friend (male) after many years

11 replies

Perroquet · 08/08/2025 16:42

I'm posting to get some etiquette advice regarding meeting a male school friend (let's call him Tom) after a long time (around 15 years). There is no complex backstory, and our friendship was always strictly platonic. We were good friends at school (lots of friendly banter and shared academic interests) but did not spend time together outside of school, know each other's families, etc. Tom moved schools during our GCSE years and we did not keep in touch (I remember wanting to but felt very awkward at that age asking for his phone number -- very silly in hindsight, I know). Tom did keep in touch with some male classmates who have also remained friends with me over the years (I was lucky to form closer connections with these other friends during sixth form and university), so I have indirectly heard about Tom on a very infrequent basis.

Now, I have just heard from our mutual friend Bob that Tom has recently moved to the city where I currently live (it is in a different country from where our hometown is, and I don't have any very old friends here, so naturally I felt very happy about the prospect of seeing Tom again.) Tom's fiancee happens to be from this city, so Tom worked out a job transfer to be with her. Bob said Tom remembers me and is also interested in reconnecting. Bob gave us each other's contact information, and I plan to message Tom in the near future (I'm currently travelling for work). I am very excited, as Tom was a friend I really enjoyed spending time with in school, and I hope he is still as witty and fun as he used to be.

Would it be socially proper for me to ask Tom to meet for lunch or coffee at a local cafe, for example, without explicitly inviting his fiancee? (I have never met her of course; Bob said that she and Tom met just a few years ago as working adults, not as school/university classmates.) I certainly want to get to know her and be friends with her too, but I'd love to meet Tom alone first and reminisce about our school days, and see if he is still the same person I knew in school. Would it make him or his fiancee uncomfortable if I only asked Tom to meet with me? I ought to be thankful for her existence because she is the sole reason Tom moved to my city in the first place! I am happily single and wouldn't be romantically interested in Tom even if he were single, but I recognise that others may not see it that way. Since Tom and I are no longer 15-year-old children but adults around twice that age, should I treat Tom and his fiancee as a single unit by default and not even consider asking Tom to spend time with me alone, regardless of whether it's the first time we reconnect or future meetings? And I fully understand that life is different now and Tom may have changed a lot from our school days, and it would be foolish of me to hope to re-gain the exact same flavour of childhood friendship I once had with him, but I want to be optimistic and socially appropriate to maximize the chances of building a solid friendship with him and his fiancee. I know I wouldn't be asking this if Tom were female like me, but it's the first time I'm reconnecting with a male friend like this and don't want any wrong impressions to be formed.

OP posts:
oliverreed · 08/08/2025 19:41

I think I’d play it safe and invite both of them. Best case scenario, you have a fun reminiscence and make a new female friend too.

MsNevermore · 08/08/2025 19:45

I’d invite them both.

I quite enjoy meeting my DH’s friends from back in his high school and university days and hearing all about a version of DH I never knew.
You'll also get insight into present day Tom and how things have changed since your school days - and his fiancée is part of that.

AlastheDaffodils · 08/08/2025 20:08

I think it’s fine to meet him one-on-one. But probably over coffee/lunch at a cafe/a 5pm Monday drink at the pub rather than a three course dinner or a cocktail bar on a Friday night.

Perroquet · 08/08/2025 21:00

Yes, for one-on-one meeting I was thinking of something very informal like coffee or lunch at an inexpensive cafe, not a big fancy dinner or anything of that sort. I would definitely invite his fiancee for the latter.

I really do want to meet his fiancee but I want Tom and me to be able to catch up freely as well -- I don't know if he might feel embarrassed or constrained when talking about our childhood school antics with his fiancee around. I just want to see how much of the old Tom is still there. (For comparison, I wouldn't bring a close adult-life friend/colleague to meet Tom during the initial meeting, even though that friend is an important part of both my professional and social life these days.)

Perhaps I'm thinking too hard about this...I just don't want to make a social misjudgement and mess up the chances of renewing an old friendship and making a new one.

OP posts:
Perroquet · 09/08/2025 16:51

Also if I ask Tom about his fiancee right away / show interest in meeting her, could he take it wrongly (as in I'm trying to judge his choice of partner, etc.)? I only know about Tom's fiancee and the reason for his move because Bob told me, but Tom may not be happy that Bob told me specifically about the fiancee being the reason for the move.

OP posts:
TellingBone · 09/08/2025 17:36

Put the ball in his court. Say you'd love to meet up for a catch-up if he wants to, and let him suggest the venue and whether he brings his girlfriend

Perroquet · 09/08/2025 20:01

Yes that's a good idea. Perhaps I shouldn't mention that I've already heard about his fiancee, but rather I should wait until he brings her up, and then casually say that I'd be happy to meet her if he wants to bring her along.

OP posts:
myXisaloon · 09/08/2025 20:05

Perroquet · 09/08/2025 20:01

Yes that's a good idea. Perhaps I shouldn't mention that I've already heard about his fiancee, but rather I should wait until he brings her up, and then casually say that I'd be happy to meet her if he wants to bring her along.

No don’t do that. Say Timmy said you’re engaged to a local, congratulations! Acknowledge his relationship rather than brush it under the carpet,

FrodoBiggins · 09/08/2025 20:16

Perroquet · 09/08/2025 16:51

Also if I ask Tom about his fiancee right away / show interest in meeting her, could he take it wrongly (as in I'm trying to judge his choice of partner, etc.)? I only know about Tom's fiancee and the reason for his move because Bob told me, but Tom may not be happy that Bob told me specifically about the fiancee being the reason for the move.

Why on earth would he be unhappy you know about his fiancée? You're overthinking it for sure. Just say it would be nice to see him and you'd like to meet her soon too

Amonthinthecountry · 09/08/2025 21:06

I think this is absolutely fine. Agree a coffee or lunch is the best bet. If he thinks his fiancée is going to feel weird about it, he can always make the call to invite her along. Or suggest a group meet up with the larger group.

Perroquet · 10/08/2025 20:26

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I know I am overthinking but given that I will reach out initially to Tom via a text message, it feels awkward to bring up his fiancee in a written message right away after not being in touch for so many years. (On the other hand, if I don't, then inviting Tom to meet one-on-one might be construed as odd/improper...but hopefully not because the context will be just lunch/coffee.) I think I'll keep the text simple, and once we meet in person, if he hasn't brought his fiancee already, then I will verbally mention that I'd love to meet her.

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