I'm trying to gradually stop my mum being so interfering/controlling.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Its only little, petty things I suppose but its irritating. I am 31 and do not need my mother telling me what to do all the time.

Well after last week's arguement about whether or not my laptop was too close to the edge of my desk, today's phone conversation went like this;

My mum rings up to try and give me gran's new phone number. Its 20:30 I've just got rid of unexpected visitors who stayed for dinenr and am trying to get dd into bed.

Mum; "can I give you gran's new number"

Me; "actually can I get it off you when I see you next"

Looooooong silence.

Me; "I'm not near a pen right now"

Mum "You should keep a pen by your phone, no I need to give it to you know or it will be stored on my phone and difficult to find".

Me; "Right"

Mum; "I keep a pen in a little pen holder by the phone, why don't you do that?"

Me; "Well actually I keep a whole jar full of pens by the phone, however when I need one its always empty"

Mum; "Well you should be more organised"

Me; "Its not me, its dh"

Mum; "Well you ought to hang a pen high up"

Me; (politely) "Do you think you could stop telling me what to do so much".

Mum; - hangs up on me!

I am so angry with her. I know its petty but wtf is she on. I wouldn't be telling a friend things like this if she couldn't find a pen so why does my mother feel she can talk to me like this. And how dare she hang up. Am I wrong to ask her to stop? Its every bloody conversation we have something will come up which she has to give me copious unwanted advice about. I am sick to the back teeth of it.
When she told me I should be more organised I was so tempted to tell her she should F right off.

is it trite to say it's only cos she cares? bloody annoying though isn't it!

I suppose thats one way of looking at it.

Maybe the problem is I'm so irritated with it now and its been going on for too long that I see it as trying to be controlling and putting me down. She's not exactly a nice person.

I've got similar issues with my Dad. He acts like a dick, I bite my tongue until I just can't anymore, and then I'm suddenly being "sensitive"

So, two things:

1. No, you're not in the wrong. She's being unreasonable, undermining and generally Not Nice.
2. No, you probably won't persuade her of this. She's too old, and it's unlikely that she'll change now.

But it's not you.

I sometimes say "do you talk to your friends like this or is it only me?"

she does try not to piss me off but tbh it has kind of ruined our relationship
she doesn't say the annoying things so much anymore, but I have had a lifetime of it, and I know she is strained and resentful from the effort of trying not to offend me
it's a bummer

Well now I'm feeling bad as its her birthday as well. And I know she's a lonely bitter old woman who has driven everyone away from her including all family and majority of her friends.

And now I'm feeling I've ruined her birthday. I'm pissed off with her for making me feel guilty.

have you considered getting some counselling?

not a joke
it helps

I have thought about it. I really think I do need therapy. Have tried reading that "Toxic Parents" book, but don't really do self-help books and couldn't get into it.

How do you go about finding a counsellor, what sort of qualifications do they need to have?

thanks

Maybe she isn't saying them in a mean way, sometimes I think she is, other times I just think she has no idea how to relate to people and has no idea how she is. But thats why I was been polite rather than telling her to f off.

how about:

her: can i give you gran's new number.

you: I'm sorry Mum I'm really rushing right now I'll call you tomorrow.

her: I can't store it in my phone - I won't be able to find it.

you: I'm so sorry about that Mum but I'm trying to get dd to bed. I'll call you tomorrow.

her: why don't you have a pen by the phone?

you: Sorry mum, I'm in a big rush so I'll call you tomorrow and you can give me the number and I'll have more time for a chat.

her: you should be more organised.

you: Sorry mum, got to hang up now but I'll call you tomorrow and you can give me the number.

Thats a good plan mumonthenet - she's like a dog with a bone on a subject a lot of the time, maybe I should be the same and just not be swayed.

erm you could look in phone book under counselling services maybe? I find a group practice can be helpful as then if you don't click with the first person you see, you can ask to see someone else

sometimes colleges have students or newly qualified counsellors who charge less if fees would be an issue

Thanks Franny, will have to try and find someone I think.

Yes but by the time you'd said all that the OP could just have taken the darn number down and been done with it!

I find heading things off at the pass the best way of dealing with situations like this. My mum is irritating in o so many little ways, but I love her deeply and accept her the way she is as she does for me and as we all expect our partners to do.

Sad to see the damn 'toxic parent' label reared its ugly head again. Mums have a hard time switching from mothering a child to being a parent to a grown up (where's the self help book for that one?) - guess we'll all find out just how hard it is in due course. A little patience and understanding wouldn't go amiss after all they aren't going to be around forever

Thats not to say toxic parenting doesn't exist just that its too easy to label and dimiss

I guess if it was just stuff like this then maybe it wouldn't upset me so much.

But all the other stuff like telling me to have an abortion when I was pg as I was "living in sin" and "God would curse me and make my child disabled". She wrote me a 5 page (a4 size) long letter on this subject when I was pg and then refused to talk to me for over a year. And the other time she didn't talk to me for 6 months as she didn't like the car I bought. The numerous times she's told me I'm ugly and stupid and she hates me. Guess thats why I think "toxic parent". I'm running out of understanding.

Ahh, now thats a while different ball game (((stripey))) certainly didn't mean to dismiss your feelings, my post was based on your original post - counselling might well help you find some coping strategies at least for the more minor irritations, and a way to switch off from/deal with the more serious ones. The ultimate way to deal with it is of course to break contact but that's not something to be done lightly

Hope I didn't cause any offence

No its ok, I couldn't have expected anyone to know how bad she can be from the op. Didn't really want to get into it I suppose. But then if you read the op and think of normal, sweet loving mums I suppose it does seem like I'm being a cow.

Have you tried looking on the 'stately homes' threads, they seem to offer alot of support for people in your position

sorry for what you're going through

I think Phebee makes a good point about how some mothers find it almost impossible to relate to their adult children as they would another adult..My mum's not bad but she'll always comment on our appearance as if it's still her business..

SKSS - it sounds really trying and I hope some of the suggestions you've had will help a bit.

Hi SKSS I really feel for you it sounds like you're having a tough time.

I love my Mum but sometimes just thinking about her makes me anxious becuae she's so manipulative and controlling. She's got worse since she retired. She lacks any kind of self-awareness so any kind of discussion about how her behaviour is hurtful results in phone goin down etc.

She's far more controlling of me than my sister. And she's very contrary one minute singing my praises the next not so subtley putting me down. She manipulates my Dad and my sister and I sometimes think if it weren't for dd I'd not really have much to do with her.