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Original poster

Am I thinking Into things ?

18 replies

Lifesforloving1 · 07/08/2025 22:03

Hi !
im looking for some advice please. I’ve been dating a man for around three months now and last week I asked him what his thoughts were about me me and him becoming boyfriend and girlfriend? I explained to him that I have been in a previous relationship for 10 years, so this is all very new to me. He basically said that he wants to take things slow and get to know each other and build on a nice relationship for us both we see each other about twice a week. And just started staying at each other’s houses neither of us have children but would maybe both like one in the future however I would like us to become boyfriend and girlfriend fast he goes our situation “dating” doesn’t want to put pressure on things. From the beginning, he’s always told me that he has a few female friends. I’m absolutely fine with however tonight he’s told me that one of his female friends has a few issues with her home life and asked if she could stay round his house. I feel very uneasy about it but I feel like I can’t really make it a big issue ? Am I being unreasonable or just thinking into things?

OP posts:
OpheliaNightingale · 07/08/2025 22:10

Gently OP, my honest opinion would be that he is keeping his options well and truly open. He wants to take things slow; I’m guessing that doesn’t include sex though does it? No, I’m sure he doesn’t want to take that slow, just the commitment side of things. Classic. Sounds like he might be planning something with his ‘friend,’ if he isn’t already. And what can you say? Nothing, because he hasn’t committed to you.
I could be wrong OP and I hope I am x

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 22:14

I think you need to separate out the two things.

I couldn’t give a hoot if a woman was staying over with someone I was seeing, unless they had had a reason in the past to break my trust. But then I wouldn’t be around them anyway.

The main thing is that three months doesn’t appear to be long enough for him to know if he wants a relationship with you or not… it’s a quarter of a year. There’s slow and then there’s a snail’s pace. I’d be moving on. At best he’s a ditherer, at worst he is keeping his options open as @OpheliaNightingale said - he might just want his cake and eat it. Don’t be his cake.

TwistedWonder · 07/08/2025 22:15

So he wants all the benefits of having a relationship but still keep his options open in case he gets a better offer?

Im old so I don’t understand this ‘dating but not his gf’ business. Hes stringing you along because it suits him to have sex and a companion while he chases other women - like this convenient ‘friend’

And you can’t say a word because you’re not his gf - in his opinion

Stop wasting your time with this one. You’ll get dumped as soon as his head gets turned

Holibobby · 07/08/2025 22:28

ive had a few situationships which never went past 3 and a half months. The reason being - I’ve normally brought the conversation up around the 3 month mark and realised that ‘we are just dating’ ‘we will see where this goes’ just means they don’t want a relationship. It’s been quite a hard pill to swallow.

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 22:31

Holibobby · 07/08/2025 22:28

ive had a few situationships which never went past 3 and a half months. The reason being - I’ve normally brought the conversation up around the 3 month mark and realised that ‘we are just dating’ ‘we will see where this goes’ just means they don’t want a relationship. It’s been quite a hard pill to swallow.

You’ve explained it perfectly and yes it’s a situationship for sure.

OpheliaNightingale · 07/08/2025 23:24

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 22:14

I think you need to separate out the two things.

I couldn’t give a hoot if a woman was staying over with someone I was seeing, unless they had had a reason in the past to break my trust. But then I wouldn’t be around them anyway.

The main thing is that three months doesn’t appear to be long enough for him to know if he wants a relationship with you or not… it’s a quarter of a year. There’s slow and then there’s a snail’s pace. I’d be moving on. At best he’s a ditherer, at worst he is keeping his options open as @OpheliaNightingale said - he might just want his cake and eat it. Don’t be his cake.

And don’t let him eat it!

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 23:27

OpheliaNightingale · 07/08/2025 23:24

And don’t let him eat it!

Show quote history

Absolutely! ♥️

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 23:28

Hope you’re ok @Lifesforloving1 - it’s nothing you have done wrong. He’s just crap and find someone who isn’t I am sure.

MeganM3 · 07/08/2025 23:32

Keep your options open. Continue dating.
Reduce how much he means to you, how much headspace you give him and how much of your actual time. Look after number 1.

Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 07/08/2025 23:33

@Arlanymor

im fine yeah, just been having nice times with each other, but just recently, we’ve not been doing as much - just chilling out in our houses & going for walks only in evenings. Its all got a bit strange maybe.
I’ve met his mum only. I’m all new to this…. The word dating I find confusing. He said we’re dating ? What the hell does that even mean ? Sorry . x

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 23:39

Lifesforloving1 · 07/08/2025 23:33

@Arlanymor

im fine yeah, just been having nice times with each other, but just recently, we’ve not been doing as much - just chilling out in our houses & going for walks only in evenings. Its all got a bit strange maybe.
I’ve met his mum only. I’m all new to this…. The word dating I find confusing. He said we’re dating ? What the hell does that even mean ? Sorry . x

Hey love, no need to apologise. He sounds like he might being deliberately confusing. ‘Dating’ generally means seeing one another but with no commitment to a relationship or exclusivity, if that makes sense? You directly asked him for a relationship and he kind of swerved the question. I would honestly be distancing myself, you were bold, put yourself out there, asked the question. You didn’t get the answer you hoped for and I think you need to reflect on that a little. If I asked someone to be my partner and they said ‘no’ or ‘not now’ then I’d be moving on. He’s either indecisive or keeping you hooked for his own fun. Again, no reflection on you, some people are not honest about their feelings or their intentions. The right guy for you would have been so happy with your suggestion. ♥️

Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 07/08/2025 23:48

@Arlanymor
thanks so much and you’re right ! ❤️ maybe this is why he’s single at 35 still 🤣

OP posts:
C95 · 07/08/2025 23:53

I can't stand "dating" I will go on dates and sometimes even "date" a couple of men at the same time.

But if/when it gets to DTD I am always clear that I'm after monogomy. So right from the start we both know where we stand.

If that's not for him I walk away.

So completely understand your confusion. But sadly as PPs have pointed out he's having his cake and eating it. He's a player.

Delete and move on OP.

slightlydistrac · 08/08/2025 00:02

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but what happened to just going out with one person at a time?

brightandbeautiful89 · 08/08/2025 00:05

If you like him continue seeing him but keep your options open as it seems like that’s what he’s doing

summersun12345 · 08/08/2025 00:16

I think that there is a of ambiguity going on, and that it’s up to you to put your boundaries in place. Whatever they may be. So for example if it’s no sex without monogamy, then make it clear. Or if it’s only dating one person at a time, make that clear. If not on the same page, at least you know. It’s such an early stage in the (potential?) relationship you can cut your losses and move on to find someone on the same page. Or at least be content without someone who is not on the same page.

Arlanymor · 08/08/2025 00:16

Lifesforloving1 · 07/08/2025 23:48

@Arlanymor
thanks so much and you’re right ! ❤️ maybe this is why he’s single at 35 still 🤣

Could well be! You were bold and did nothing wrong. If he doesn’t want to snap you up then throw him back in the sea! X

C95 · 08/08/2025 07:23

slightlydistrac · 08/08/2025 00:02

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but what happened to just going out with one person at a time?

I'm old! And it's weird to me too. But you sadly a lot of the men date multiple people, so it's a case of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

It's shit. I mean really shit! That's why I'm alway clear that things won't go further unless it's monogamous!

Doesn't mean they won't lie, but I'm pretty switched on to the chancers.

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