Is this normal? Graphic stories, emotional distance, and confusion

[Wonderingwanderer99]

Hi all,
I’m trying to get some outside perspective on something that’s been happening in my relationship. My partner works in a frontline job that sometimes involves traumatic incidents. I completely respect that it’s intense and that sometimes people need to talk—but I’m really struggling with the way he talks about it, especially when I’ve asked him not to.

He has a habit of sharing very graphic details of what he’s seen, often completely unprompted and in everyday moments. One example: we were out walking with our baby recently and he told a story involving a near miss on the road, which ended with him casually saying something like,

> "Well yeah, better that than ending up with baby brains all over the road."

That comment really upset me—especially because our actual baby was right there. I said something like “Ugh,” and didn’t engage, and later he seemed annoyed that I was being “off” with him.

Another time, during a conversation with someone who’s supposed to be helping us work on things, he described a recent incident from work in disturbing detail—including a fatal injury—despite me having already said I don’t want to hear those kinds of things. It just felt totally unnecessary and honestly a bit performative.

What’s hard is that when I pull back emotionally after things like this (because I’m disturbed or just drained), he gets confused and implies I’m being distant or cold. It feels like he says things that hurt or unsettle me, then immediately expects warmth and connection, and when I can’t give that, I become the problem.

I’m not trying to be unsupportive—I just don’t want these images in my head, and I don't feel like he hears that. For context, I’ve known other people in similar lines of work and I never experienced this with them. They seemed to know when to shield others from those details.

So I guess I’m asking: – Is it normal to share those kinds of stories at home, even after being asked not to?
– Has anyone else experienced this?
– Am I overreacting by finding it so disturbing?

Really appreciate any thoughts—especially if you’ve been in or around this kind of dynamic. Thank you.

You're certainly not unusual in not wanting to hear comments like that !!! Overreacting? No way.

People in the front line services can be a bit ... tough in the way they talk. I think their frame of reference gets changed so that things that people who don't work in that field find shocking, they find 'normal'.

Does he have a professional that he can talk to regularly? if so, it's best if he keeps this sort of thing for them, or for his colleagues who have developed the same mindset.

It's difficult if you've spoken to him asking him not to and he still carries on. The feeling that it's a bit performative - can you put your finger on why you feel like that? is it him sort of rubbing in how tough life can be? or kind of showing off in a weird way? or him trying to process it in his own way? The fact that you've asked him not to and he carries on is not very good - especially if your baby is there with you. It really won't be good if he mentions incidents like this when your baby can understand, which will be sooner rather than later.

Would he respond to really talking to him again about it, or would an ultimatum help? Because your reaction here is really not at all unreasonable or an overreaction. Police and other frontline workers have to keep a certain amount of work stuff at work and not bring it home, and he's in the same situation.

Ive talked to him before but it seems like the more he can "show off" the less he listens.

He has a habit of making cruel jabs disguised as jokes so I'm not sure he'd change the behaviour. Not for me anyway

He doesn't sound very pleasant, to be honest. Comments about baby brains, cruel jokes.

Do you find him safe to be with, emotionally?

Your comment about him not changing his behaviour, not for you at least, sounds like you are very undervalued. Cruel comments and 'jokes' are made to people he wants to look good to.

Your poor baby, too.

during a conversation with someone who’s supposed to be helping us work on things, he described a recent incident from work in disturbing detail—including a fatal injury

What things are they helping you work on?

If you mean relationship issues, do you feel they're qualified to navigate what sounds like DP's trauma? How do they respond to the gory stories?

It is quite normal to need to talk about disturbing events, and to try and 'normalise' them as just part of life: which they are, of course, but we aren't built to be unmoved by suffering and death. As he isn't a psychopath, he'll have all these feelings which he can't process in the moment due to professional demands. So his poor old brain takes it in, wonders what the hell to do with it all, and blurts it out in a "well, this is how life is" sort of way. This is so normal that emergency responders, front-line soldiers and disaster survivors often develop a shared language of gruesome humour.

This isn't the best way to process repeated traumatic experiences. It's commonplace, but not particularly effective. You're not your partner's therapist and nor should you be. I'm guessing psychological support isn't readily available at his work? Even if it is, there might be a tough guy culture inhibiting sensible efforts to engage with it.

If you're happy with your relationship in general, your best approach would probably be to let his stuff roll off you. It's easier than it looks to keep your own emotions out of something like this: it isn't personal, it isn't aimed at you in some way or intended to distress you. It's just his damn processing. Do, of course, ask him not to do it and pull him up on the mean remarks. If you can get him to talk about finding a therapist to support his processing, all the better.

If you don't want to continue with a partner leaking disaster residue all over your relationship, you can end it.

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
Rail casually

I worked for the Highway's Agency for a period in the UK.
The carnage the inspectors witnessed was awful. They where often first and last on site.
They had to have a thick skin to complete the job with dignity to the decreased and other emergency services.
We were very matter if fact in the office, in a way we would not speak outside those walls.

My daughter (14) was on a train (locked down for 3 hours) after it hit a human.
She heard the collision and the body rattle along the roof of the carriage and land as the train stopped by her window.
I did have to explain in a grown up way why it took so long (investigation/to collect all remains over a long distance) and to clean the train so it was able to reach the next station without causing without causing more distress to other passengers.

Some folk need to offload and struggle to talk to loved ones in a compassionate way.
Not fair on you if you have asked not him not to offload. Plenty of opportunity at work.

He needs to find a more appropriate way to manage his work trauma. You aren't his therapist.

Honestly no I don't feel safe emotionally. Every time I bring up my feelings it becomes about how my reactions are causing him pain

We're in therapy tbh

Thing is, I know they offer support after bad situations because he's told me about them doing that before and complained he missed their call etc.

I work in a very difficult field emotionally and psychologically, I see things daily that would be too much for most, even in my field my areas of expertise are seen as only for a few, people join and burn out frequently. You do become hardened to it, you have to to cope. Luckily for me DH works in a connected field, but definitely some of the work type conversations we have would be shocking to others. Unfortunately it's why it's common in areas such as policing, social care, prisons etc for the divorce rate to be high and why colleague affairs can happen. It's really tough and when someone else gets it, there's a bond.

I completely understand why you don't want to hear it, I also understand why he might need to talk about things to get them out of his head, and more than once eg at work and home and why he might develop coping mechanisms such as dark humour

Thinking about it, is possible he's burned out? That he's holding on by skin of his teeth?

It could be that he is only just coping and the apparently-cruel humour and the way that he says you talking about emotional things causes him pain, that's him on the brink of not coping.

Or it could be that he's fundamentally not, or is becoming not, a very nice person and he's not someone you would dare to be vulnerable with and trust. An unkind man, or one with some cruelty about him.

I will say that your therapist really should be one experienced in very bad stuff. I've seen some truly nasty stuff and see a therapist as an ongoing thing, but need to be careful whom I see if I need to change (last one retired). My new one, I strongly suspect, is not young but just does not have the experience in the extremes of what can happen. If your partner is talking to someone who hasn't seen the aftereffects of severe violence or awful events on people, he or she will simply not have the equipment to deal effectively with the really bad events. An ex-military or ex-frontline services person might well be best. Apart from having the same frame of reference as your partner, they will also be able hopefully to challenge him when he's being an arse in a way that other therapists might not be able to.

Some therapists won't like what I've written but ime experience really does count.

Is your partner going willingly with you to try to work on the relationship?

I really hope things work out - specially as you and he have a child.