How to explain family dynamics to my 4 year old

[Sunshineseeker24]

My 4 year old daughter has become very interested in our family because of what she is learning in nursery and her age.

She has only has one Aunty on my husband’s side and she very rarely sees her. My husband became estranged from his mother around 4 years ago due to long standing issues. The Aunty in question has always been incredibly self centred and never made an effort beyond what was a family meal etc.

The estrangement has come to her advantage as she can make even less effort. She sees my daughter twice a year- Christmas and birthday presents exchange (she texts out of the blue to ask if we will be in and stays for a max. of 20 mins with her car keys in hand). She would never text to ask how her niece is and when we send her photos or videos she rarely acknowledges anything.

Her own two children are in their late teens so she would never encourage them to spend time with their younger cousin and her priority is her own life. Quite frankly, I just don’t think she cares or loves my daughter.

My daughter deeply loves her family and blossoms when she spends time with people she’s loves so this makes me so sad.

We are approaching one the biannual events where a present gets dropped off. I am conscious my daughter may ask questions such as why don’t I see my Aunty ….

can anyone offer advice on navigating such situations?

TIA!

It’s nice she drops a present off more than what my little one gets off her aunties and uncles. Same my little girl loves spending time with family also, feel abit sad for her. No idea what the answers is x

Tricky one… I empathise as we have some unusual dynamics and estrangement in my family too.
With my own child I’ve gone with a ‘all families are different’ sort of narrative. ‘Some are big, some are small, some see each other every day, others don’t, there’s no right or wrong’ etc. And then have followed up with ‘the good thing about being in a small family like ours is that your friends become your family and you get to choose your friends!’
After a few initial questions around family members at a similar age to yours, he’s not shown any interest in knowing any more so far.
I think it’s tough when you have the burden of knowledge of all the ins and outs of what’s happened in your family. But to young kids, they don’t overthink it like we do.

This is similar to what we’ll have down the line.

I was tempted to tell my child that my PILs were dead, but then I realised I’m better off telling him the truth and correcting some of the generational trauma on that side. Instead, I’ll tell him “we don’t see daddy’s parents because they’re not very nice people” and use that to teach him boundaries, which my PILs so badly don’t understand nor respect (part of the reason for estrangement). “You don’t have to accept poor treatment” principle etc.

Likewise, my husband’s brother and wife are self-centred and simply don’t care. It’s not malicious, just lazy. I won’t push the relationship at all - just sets everyone up for anger or disappointment. My bar is set low. To that end, I’d be honest with your daughter - same if someone at school was mean or didn’t want to be their friend, but there are other potential friends (and maybe that blood isn’t always thicker than water).

I have three aunties and four uncles.

I grew up very close to two aunts and two uncles.

One aunt and two uncles we’d see maybe once or twice a year at most, but sometimes years could go by. Nobody ever explained and nobody asked. It’s just the different relationships between different people. Don't tell her anything.

If she asks, which I doubt she will given it’s her norm, just say that aunt X is busy and so are we.

It’s always best that children are introduced in age appropriate ways to what life really is like rather than fantasyland of happy kind people everywhere. Just explain that sometimes people don’t have close families and that’s okay. And that even people with only 1 or 2 family members can have many deep and rich connections with those not in a genetic family tree. You can explain how many people are very happily married to people that were strangers at one point. It’s important that children know that it’s not only other children that can act in ways that would make us want to stay away. Just like you would explain it to them about an unkind child.

If your child rarely sees her aunt, is she really going to ask the question of why she doesn’t see her aunt? I think children only ask questions like that if there is an emotional attachment and there clearly isn’t one here.

I only see my nephew once a month as I live far away but I see him consistently, play football with him and give him lots of cuddles. He always asks when he will see me next and as soon as I step through the door he makes me promise to stay till bed time. That’s because we’ve had a bond since he’s little. He’s the baby of our small family and I adore him ( my dc are teens so not as adorable lol).