How to correspond with toxic coparent

[Pinky572]

My ex DH has decided I am the worst person who has ever lived, and for our whole relationship I was abusive and controlling and that I am the worst parent ever.

We have 2 kids who are 50/50. He doesn't live far away so they often go between houses. They are 12 and 14. He insists everything is arranged via me and him, not them.

This results in too much contact for me, as literally everything I do or dont do results in a mini essay from him about what a terrible person I am and a terrible parent. When I ask him to keep messages just to necessary ones about the kids, he either says "no, you cant control me any more" or "if you keep spouting nonsense, I will keep calling out your nonsense".

He was the abusive one, I've had a non mol order (now expired). Everything is supposedly did is in his head. I want to have boundaries to stop him doing this to me as it is upsetting getting all this abuse several times a week. He ignores my boundaries.

How can I message enough to co parent but stop all the nastiness?

Any suggestions will be useful!

We have a joint calendar but he doesn't use it and the kids are doing things outside what it says (calling to the other house for things mainly, not changing where they are sleeping).

Can you get one of those parenting apps?

Copy his messages into AI and ask it to take anything accusing you of anything out of it and leave you with information you need to know.

Get AI to write your response too.

he is right in that things should be arranged by you guys. They are only tweens/young teens.

a regular timetable needs to be drawn up between you and stuck to. Contact should only be if you want to request you take kids on holiday etc.

We do have a regular timetable. The trouble is, say if my 14 year old has forgotten his charger at dad's and wants to go and get it, I have to text his dad to see if its ok with him for 14 year old to go. Somehow any of this kind of contact triggers him having a go at me.

I will look at the parenting apps. How can I put a message of his through AI without first having to read it? I would love it if they just appeared with no abuse in.

The kids are old enough to cut him out completely unless it’s an emergency.

Why can’t your kid just call him ? He wants it to go through you so he’s got control, we’ve had the same with dh ex, she made our lives a misery for years.

Your kids are old enough to arrange this kind of thing themselves.
If you Really have to correpond with him, just state what you need to and dont correspond any further. Basically, dont take the bait.

How can I put a message of his through AI without first having to read it? I would love it if they just appeared with no abuse in.

Don't read it while you copy into AI.

I would set up a chat gpt especially for this give it the background of your partners abusive behaviour and abuse patterns. Tell it that you want to copy in a message from your DH and have it rewritten for you to read without any subtle abuse in it that you just want the information back from it and then tell it to write a response with whatever information you need to include that will respond in a boundaries way to his response. The lack of reaction to his provocation will soon get tiresome for him.

Op all above good advice but until you have this in place, re- charges, make sure they have a set in each home, if you have to reply to his txt, grey rock, one word answer only, let him write war n peace but you only answer, ' yep' fine' good' don't enable him, leave the nastiness with him, but the parent app would be great too,

Thank you everyone.

I have been grey rock for about a year and a half now. I dont rise to what he says, dont argue, dont criticise him. Nothing works, in fact he seems to take it that its fine for him to criticise me and insult me at length whenever he wants. I try to ignore and not let it get to me but it does get to me.

I will reread suggestions and combine them to get some peace of mind.

Out of interest, do your children have keys to both houses? If the 14 year old just went there and picked up his charger with no advance message, what would happen?

Yes they have keys for both. For things like that, if my ex could find a way to have a go at me for it, then he would. Despite it not mattering at all.

In that case, I would send them to collect their stuff without notifying him. They are 50/50, they shouldn’t need to let him know in advance that they are going to pick something up.

If you do need to contact him, write it in bullet points. Carry on doing grey rock.

When he writes you a shitty email, either don’t respond or give a thumbs up.

Thank you, I will do that! Minimal messages possible from my side