What do I do?

[Stressed25]

Hi
I have a dilemma and desperately need advice. Bit of a long story so ill just bullet point it...
28yr old daughter lives with my partner and I.
Daughter has a boisterous collie type dog.
Neither I nor my daughter drive so current rural home not suitable.
My partner unemployed but drives.
We have chance of exchanging to a house in town.
Partner adamant daughters dog not coming with us. We have a jack russell.
House is mid terrace.carpeted.
Daughter rescued dog 2 yrs ago and shes very close to it.
Daughter says she'll go into temporary accommodation with dog if we move.
Partner says she will move elsewhere if I insist my daughter and dog move to new house.
My partners refusal to allow daughters dog move with us has caused a lot of stress at what could be an exciting time.
Should daughter move out?
is partner being unecessarily unkind given we are dog owners and understand the attachement?
Daughter feels partner being controlling.
Daughter and I feel isolated and dependant in current house.
Daughter has bipolar well controlled and has has a lot of trauma in past.
Any advice appreciated!!

Get rid of the partner asap I'd say he's been cruel u nessacerry and your daughter is only asking for what she already has sounds like a excuse to ditch her on his part,

I just have a gnawing feeling that partner is showing true colours over this.
Daughter and I work. Partner does not.
Partners car unreliable. We feel a bit trapped.

It’s your partner causing the trouble, not your daughter.
its your partner issuing an ultimatum….. let them! I’d move without partner - bet you pay for most things too if they don’t work?

Yes I pay all the bills.i cannot even get to GP surgery without transport as so rural here no bus.everything,life etc requires a car here.

Regardless of the collie, do you want to live with your DD indefinitely? If she’s saying she’ll move into temp accommodation (why temp and not normally renting?) then it sounds like she’s capable of moving out and living independently, so why is that not the plan for her anyway? Or is her bipolar/trauma such that you see her living with you always? Maybe this is a good chance for her to move out, is what I’m wondering? And regardless of the collie again, is the partner going to get another job? How long have they been unemployed? How long have you been together? It sounds like you’re having second thoughts about them so perhaps you don’t want to live with them any more and again this is a good moment to move on? Do you want to live with either, both or neither of them, ideally - and realistically? I also wonder how you wound up living so rurally if it doesn’t suit you because you can’t drive. In essence, there’s lots of questions and none are about this collie as it seems more complicated. I guess I’d want my DD to move out and be okay about that and I’d want my DP to get a job and contribute in the new place, but it’s unclear if either are possible. If the bottom
line is that DP is not good, ditch them and move with your DD or move alone. The collie is just the trigger for all this by the sounds of it, rather than the main issue.

Good points raised.
Daughter ideally could move out with dog but into settled accommodation nearby. She's come a long way since moving in with us 2 years ago. If a place came up she'd move.
Partner wants to work but hasnt worked since February. Lot of rejections on applications as previous job will only give basic ref.
Moved here originally as we had a decent 4 x4 newish car which was written off on black ice last Jan. Partner then lost job due to issues at work.
Don't want to live alone tbh.
Feel both are making me choose between them?
Partner says if dog not in this situation all would be fine we'd all move.

I started typing as @pinkdelightwas posting but I agree with her questions.

Take the dogs and daughter and partner out of the picture for the minute and focus on the key issue. The key issue is that your rural house doesn’t work for you and the place in town is better.

Now build up from there. Practical questions first: are you eligible for this house as two people (mum and daughter) or is it only offered to a family of three?

If you are eligible as the two of you, I would prioritise the move for the reasons above. You need your independence back.

So right now, assuming you need to take up the exchange before a deadline, I would take it. I would explain to partner that DD is coming and so does her dog. What happens then depends…

Do you ever see your daughter moving out? That’s not a conversation you can have right now as it will look like you’re choosing partner over her. But she’s 28, does she work, if not will being in town make it easier to find a job she can walk to?

How is your relationship with DP outside of this disagreement - what do you mean that DP is showing true colours?? Are there other problems in the relationship? Would they find work easier in town (more options) and would life be better if they worked? Have they ever worked when you’ve been together and was life better then?

The house exchange is throwing all of these questions into sharp relief so it’s a catalyst for some difficult decisions.

Been with partner 14 years.
Plan was always for daughter to move out but in same town as can need support at times.

I see you’ve answered quite a few of my questions as I was posting.

OK in your shoes as you don’t want to live alone, I would be saying:

We are all moving as a family as town is better, more practical, and more options for finding work.

It’s a new start for us all and we want it to be a positive move.

DD we want you to come but the dog has to be trained (sounds like it’s its boisterousness that is annoying, so she has to train it).

When the dust and emotions have settled, there can be a a discussion with DD about her longer terms hopes and plans.

But the house move sounds too important to lose the town house.

Okay so if you’ve been with DP 14 years then it seems like you’d know their ‘true colours’ already, rather than this dog revealing them. It sounds like you’re ready for DD to move out and like that needn’t be about your DP or the dog. When you say ‘when a place comes up’ do you mean on the rental market or the housing list? Because those have v different timeframes, but if it’s viable for her to move out and rent, can’t that be the plan anyway, but less pressured by this ultimatum? Agree with both DP and DD that she’ll move out within the next however many months but that she has to be part of this current move because there’s no appropriate place for her to move alone (with dog) right now and it’s helpful for her to be with you contributing until DP gets a job. It sounds like DP just needs to dial down on the ultimatum and be more rational about things. Although the workplace issues/reference do hint that DP might be a problem in other ways - are they unlikely to compromise? Again, if DP is not good, then this is your chance to separate and move just with DD if that’s what you prefer.

Thank you for your reply. Its put everything in order in my head. I tend to prioritise everyone else and try to keep everyone happy but my career dictates i move. I want to move! Dog is easy going but can throw himself at front door when someone knocks barking loudly.
He lives for food so can be a pain at meal times and indeed anytime anyone enters kitchen! 😆 Behaviours I think we could stop.
Daughter works full time.
Partner plans to work will apply for most jobs not just the one she trained for. Happy to take pay cut.
Partners reason for refusal to move with dog is dog hair everywhere ( daughter said she'll hoover each day)
Dog will trash new decorating ( i painted hallway recently and its still pristine?)
Keep replies coming everyone this is really helping unravel it all in my head xx

A bit more info..partner says they feel their opinion doesnt matter/ isnt being listened to in this matter. Unfortunately we need to work and we need access to shops GP etc independently of relying on partner driving. So in this case I feel allowing partner to decide if we remain dependant is not an option especially given financial issues right now. I dont want to be unkind and dismissive of partners voice in all of this but reasons for moving are important.

Tell dp that dd will move out with dog once dp has a decent job to contribute to bills otherwise they have limited say.
He who pays the piper call the tune.

Your daughter will not find it easy to rent somewhere that will allow a dog.

If DP is making it a point of principle about being listened to, tell them you’ve listened and set a timeline for DD and dog to move out, but then say what you’ve just posted - that this move isn’t about that, it’s practical and vital for your work and that’s the priority right now. Staying put wouldn’t solve the dog issue anyway so it’s a wrongheaded strategy all round. Try to take the emotional angles out of it and get the move done so you can all be in a better place - you won’t be trapped, DD can start working on finding her own place and on training the dog better in the meantime, and DP can apply for more jobs and not have to ferry you around going forward. If DP is being a dick when it’s all been laid out so clearly, then it’s a bigger issue and you can just move with DD. But it’s not an option to not move and your DP is in no position to enforce that.

It sounds like it’s a housing association house swap. Whose name is on the paperwork? You, partner and daughter? Or just one / two of you?

Dore Your partner currently complain about the dog? Is she having to walk it during the day when you are both at work? Does she like you being dependent on her driving you everywhere and your lack of independence? Or is she thankful you will be independent? Could you stay where you are and learn to drive?

Lot of rejections on applications as previous job will only give basic ref.

OP this is the case for pretty much EVERY company giving references. It’s generally accepted practice that a reference confirms they did work in the position claimed, for the dates stated. This isn’t the reason he is being rejected from jobs.

Yes finding a place that accepts dogs isnt easy but there are places there. Hence delay in her moving out.
Agree with the response referencing the piper! We have to go where its easier to get to work otherwise all of us will be homeless!!

Who walks the dog at the moment? It sounds like it needs a lot of exercise. Does it fall to your partner as they don't work? Maybe there is some resentment from that.

Well firstly, you have to take the town house. It doesn’t make any sense to stay rurally when you can’t drive and public transport is virtually non existent. That’s a given.
I can’t quite see why your partner is putting their foot down with the dog now, seeing as your daughter has been with you for two years. Are they left to do all the feeding and walking etc if you and your daughter both work full time? Worried about dog hair etc is a bit of a lame reason when they’ve had it for this long. I’d tell partner you are listening to them but this move together is a must. If they then decide to separate then that’s up to them.
I’d probably be trying to support daughter in finding her own place though.

Daughter walks dog not partner. So partner doesnt even have to do that. Yes agree dog hair is lame excuse!

I think I've missed the boat on learning to drive. Lost my nerve now! Partner outwardly says better for us to be independent but dog seems to be the reason if we comply with what partner wants that we will remain dependant!! 🙄