How do I forgive and forget?

[Hoverflies]

I found out a couple of months ago that my partner has been watching porn and looking at pictures of women online to sort himself out regularly. I was basically having to initiate sex almost every time for around 6 years (we have a 6 year old and 3 year old dc) and would regularly get really upset and ask why he didn't want to be with me and he would just say he was tired or he did want to be with me but didn't have the opportunity.

Anyway, years ago I noticed that he followed tons of female celebrities on Instagram and i said it made me feel a bit uncomfortable him liking pictures of them just posing in outfits or bikinis. He said he understood. Then a year ago I saw that he had been liking pictures of only fans models on Instagram and looking at stuff like that. I told him how hurt i was that he didn't seem to be interested in me but would be looking at that. He said it had just started and that he only came across it on Instagram and he was so sorry (in tears) and he said he deleted Instagram and he wouldn't keep looking at that stuff and would focus on our relationship.

Then a few months ago I'm on our computer which is connected to his Google and was looking for a site I'd been on the week before on history because I couldn't remember what it was. I found he'd been watching porn on a morning after I was upset that he'd stayed out drinking without telling me and he'd left me to get dcs ready for school. I then searched through history and found loads more porn searches and also Instagram searches of particular women posing in bikinis starting just a month after our talk last year. A lot of these times I was in the house with the children. He hadn't been wanting sex with me still and it was maybe once a month and I feel that I pushed for that. He admitted it when I found out but tried to make out it was just once, then really irregularly and that he wasn't wanking over the Instagram pics until I made it clear I knew he was. It was mostly one woman as well which i felt even worse about.

He has seemed absolutely devastated and said how horrible it was and never tried to play down what he'd done and that he'd broken my trust. He said he has no idea why he did it or why he took me for granted and swore to change. Since then he has been so attentive to me and has initiated sex lots and we've had some really great times, better than we've had since before the kids were born. Our relationship has really suffered as the kids are difficult and really bad sleepers. He's also been really stressed and he struggles to talk about his feelings and keeps things bottled up and I think he was trying to find a way to cope. He says he wants to do counseling to try to work on being better at communicating and he seems truly disgusted with himself.

I really want to forgive and forget, he's so caring in so many ways and he is making a massive effort and taking responsibility. The things I'm struggling with are the feelings of rejection from 6 years of not being wanted and knowing he was doing that instead and I have bad self esteem when it comes to my body so that is at rock bottom now. He also seemed so upset last time and swore to change and was back at it a month later and then told me during this year that he had deleted Instagram and wasn't doing any of that anymore. And then when I found out he only admitted as little as he thought he could get away with and kept saying he couldn't remember doing it. So I have no idea how to trust him again after the lying.

He is genuinely such a good partner and has supported me through PND and so much . He swears this time is different. I really want to just get over it and have really been trying and things have been great when I've felt good but then I keep remembering and feeling low again. It would honestly be easier if he was a dick in other ways and I just didnt want him anymore.

Has anyone got any advice on how I start to work through my self esteem and trust issues and move on?

You’re deeply hurt and it will take time. If he’s open to couples counselling, then do it.

OP it seems as though your partner has never really been into sex and prefers masturbation. I have no idea why but he needs to be honest with you and get some help to change.

Couple's counselling including sex therapy might help but there's no point doing anything if it's just lip service.

Regarding self esteem, sexual rejection can really harm self esteem but that's something you can work on. Counselling, fitness, self help books etc can help.

The way I'd approach it is to ask him to get help. In the meantime, work on yourself and give it a time limit eg six months. If there's no improvement in six months, get advice on separation.

Or save yourself the six months - he won’t change.

He's lied to you for years. Are you sure that you CAN forgive and forget?
I know that I couldn't, especially when the tears of self pity only started when he'd been caught out.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5378730-partner-wont-stop-lusting-over-women?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

There’s another thread on this here. Opinions are divided but I stand by my own. Porn and masturbation amongst men and women is completely normal. If he likes porn he’s not going to stop looking at it because you set unrealistic boundaries. He’s not going to stop masturbating because that too is completely unrealistic. If you have boundaries not being met then leave but have realistic boundaries.

You can choose to forgive, but forgetting would be gaslighting yourself about the man your husband is.

You don't have trust issues, you have an untrustworthy husband. You don't have self-esteem issues, you have a man who cannot resist wanking to porn but who doesn't want sex with you - that would be a blow to anyone's self esteem.

What is HE doing to fix this? Is he on men's websites trying to find out how to make it up to his wife and kick a porn habit? Is he trying to sort out why he's given up on initiating sex? I doubt it.

This isn't your problem to fix - it's his. I doubt he's showing many signs of trying to fix anything though, aside from his crocodile tears.

This has been going on for years and his promises and supposed contrition is just another part of the cycle. This is who your H is, just because he’s in denial doesn’t mean you have to be.

Your H has some serious issues that probably predates your relationship and I suspect that his current ‘devastation’ has a very short shelf life. He’ll act like he gives and crap and when he thinks he’s done enough penance or you believe his bs, whichever happens sooner, he’ll slowly revert back to the real him.

I understand how desperate you are for him to be different but him being different is entirely dependent on him. Right now, he’s fully invested in the performance of change, only time will tell if he’s really interested in the hard work of real change.

I didn't actually say that porn was the issue in itself. I don't really like it but if we'd had a regular sex life and he was watching it occasionally and it didn't affect anything between us then I could cope with that. The issue has been that he has been continually choosing to do that instead of being with me, and also looking up pictures of specific women to do it to which I found creepy. I have been getting upset for 6 years wondering why he doesn't want to be with me and assuming he just had a lower sex drive or was tired like he said so to see that he was doing that regularly hurt so much. And then to continually lie about it. So no, what you're saying I have an issue with actually isn't the issue at all.

I appreciate how upsetting it is to have a partner reject you whilst having the inclination and energy to masturbate to pictures of other women. It might feel like a rejection of you as a sexual being but don’t let it affect your self worth.

The reality is having a wank looking at a picture takes a lot less energy than full on sex with a partner. It’s unlikely anything to do with you. He’s just lazy and he gets a quick dopamine hit from looking at porn. It’s like going for a McDonald’s rather than taking the time to have a home cooked meal. No doubt afterwards he felt regret and disgusted just like the come down from fast food.

The problem is these quick fixes were damaging your intimacy and how you viewed yourself. Even worse than that, when he promised to stop but continued he destroyed your trust which is fundamental to the foundations of a relationship.

Personally I would be working on building trust which includes honesty with the understanding that whilst you don’t agree with him using porn it’s more important he is honest if he does. However you may feel that for you watching porn is a complete deal breaker. If that’s the case then you need to consider the relationship over if it ever happens again.

This is what I worry about. I said to him that I would have been able to forgive easier if be had felt guilty about it at the time when he knew how upset I was that he didn't want me and I was asking why but it sounds like he didn't at all and it's only when I found out that the horrible guilt started. And then that when I found out he tried to tell me it was just the once, and then I said well I know it's more and he said ok it must have been then, I don't remember, maybe once a month and I said well i know it's a hell of a lot more than that and has been going on a lot longer than you're saying. Even now he's adamant he's only been doing it for the last year or so which is conveniently as far back as I could see any history of but he was only wanting to sleep with me at most once a month for the past 6 years and often that was when I'd break down about it and then he would make an effort for a couple of days. So I don't have a clue how to rebuild trust when I don't really believe he is being honest still and he has lied so much. He said he completely understands why I am finding it hard to believe him and how awful it is that he lied.

He is really accepting responsibility for what he has done though, I've seen so many women say that their partner has become defensive and been horrible to then when they found something like this out whereas he has shown nothing but remorse. He was addicted to his computer game and was off playing that every night but for the past couple of months he's been spending the time with me instead. He said it was never about me and he realises how much he was taking me for granted and that he thinks we just ended up in a roommate phase.

I was once with a partner who couldn't orgasm with me ( due to death grip), and eventually just wasn't interested in me for sex.

My self esteem took such a hit- not sure anyone is worth that.

But your husband was only sorry when he got caught.
Also,

Ewww

I think there are two issues here. The first is the porn, which as you say you could cope with in small doses if you sex life together was better.
the second is his lack of drive to have sex with you.
It sounds like you are working on the latter point which hopefully will resolve his lazy reliance on porn and get you both into a better pattern.