My boyfriend and I, both 24, have been dating for 2 years. Early on in the relationship, he told me his ex had issues with him watching porn. I turned a blind eye to this as our relationship seemed healthy and I noticed no issues, but over time, it’s become hard to ignore. He started initiating a lot less and often rejecting my advances. Most hurtful of all, last year I caught him asking a woman for nudes on Reddit.
On the 14th of July we had a conversation and he agreed to stop watching porn. He said he knows it’s unhealthy and a bad habit, but it’s one that is difficult to break when he’s done it his whole adult life. On the 28th of July, I asked him if he had still been watching. He admitted to watching it once but said he couldn’t remember what or when, just that I wasn’t there. He admitted it was a bit of an addiction and compared it to quitting smoking. I asked him to be honest if it happens again. He said he’d rather just not watch it. On the 3rd of August, I snooped on his phone, I know I shouldn't have, he doesn’t know I even know his passcode, but I was feeling uneasy. I found 20 recent porn videos in his Reddit history that he watched at some point after our conversation on the 28th. He was leaving for a trip the next day to see family he hasn’t seen in years, and I decided to refrain from saying anything partly because I didn’t want to ruin his trip, and I also suspect if I admitted to snooping, the conversation would’ve been flipped on me for invading his privacy. He doesn’t know that I know his phone passcode, and I know I shouldn’t have looked, but I’m really struggling to trust him.
What’s especially hurtful is the fact I’ve stayed at his every night and we’ve had regular sex. The only opportunity he would’ve had is the one night i got home from work 5 hours later than him. He couldn’t even resist when on his own for 5 hours. I have no idea how he’ll cope once we are long distance when I return to uni in a few weeks.
He’s still away and won’t be back until next Wednesday, so for now I’m doing my best to act normal until we can talk in person. But I feel so hurt, betrayed, and angry.
I need advice. Do I confront him now over text and admit to snooping? Or do I wait and talk face to face? I’m scared that if I admit I looked, he’ll just get better at hiding it.
Or maybe I just ask him outright if he’s watched anything since our last conversation, and if he says no, then I know he’s lying and end things?
The porn is one thing, but the lying is another.