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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp off 21yrs hardly does anything ! Massive offload

2 replies

Mancity08 · 06/08/2025 14:48

We’re both retired I’m 67 he 70

Im sick to death of me getting internally angry with him and it affecting my mood.
He has his routine that he’s now taken upon him self since retiring that I think most of the time he still thinks he lives on his own
I know all of us have times when we do certain things etc but his is like. Ritual from getting up to going to bed, I could almost say what he will do next.

I know this is a massive thing of his as I seen it over the years together.

Since retiring that’s all he wants to do is go out everyday, now I don’t mind going out but everyday! He has his day where he does his things first couple hours in the afternoon but instead of doing g them say on the same day as I’m doing something he will choose the days in between so only days when we’re both at home in the afternoon is Friday and they he wants to go out wether it be to a shop or coffee or lunch.

Now I know he’s not a diy man but I at least will do things. If I want something doing that I can’t do alone it will be “ yeah ok we’ll do it this week sometime “ never gets done ! I sick off asking
He never ever in the years I’ve known him said
” we could do with getting new .,,,,, or doing .,,,,,,
I do 99% of the painting/cleaning/household stuff
If I do ask I get either “ what now today “ or never happens. There’s only so many times you can tell somebody that it needs doing
Ive a kitchen that’s exactly the same as it was when we moved in 21yrs ago. If I suggest getting anything new it’s “ nothing wrong with that” or you always want something “
I really really struggle with this, surely if I can see something old why can’t he ?
same with dirt, shower screen is filthy I’m determined to not clean it , he’s left it and he has 2 showers a day.
Another thing , he has exercise bike in spare bedroom now he doesn’t go on it anymore
so I said put it on Facebook , tried for low money nothing. Again I mentioned it and got” that’s my bike I did all my training on and it means nothing to you” He said I’ll make a deal put it back if Facebook for free for 2 weeks again
S guy asked to collect today last night, I asked him and got a look to kill and “ what you want me to decide now I’m chilling (on mobile and tablet) “
So I tell the guy that !
I was fuming to say the least, I couldn’t talk it look at him. He says one thing then changes the goal post ! This causes endless arguments even that when he’s heard enough will say abruptly
“ Noted, won’t do it next time” or took it onboard wont happen again”
but it F…, does .
Does the clothes wash every night, never ever thinks the bedding needs washing !
Is he for real ! I could go on !

My mood today is shit and I can’t afford to get depressed or bring anxiety on as I’m a long term sufferer.
I know if I say something on the lines off
“ I need to discuss something “ I’ll get
“Im not arguing “ I can’t discuss anything that he doesn’t want to “ it’s like if I don’t say anything he’s happy or if I go along with his plans etc he’s happy.
It’s getting to the point when he’s not in or I’m doing something out , I like it
He must go for at least 3 coffee a week
Social media is his lifeline , every night 7-11pm
he will even say he wants to watch a certain program but the mobile & tablet are in his hand and I’m the one left watching his program

Is this retirement

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 06/08/2025 15:46

It’s only your life if you let it be. Do you know if you can afford to split, and do you want to? He’s not going to change, and you’ll probably end up nursing him.

Mancity08 · 06/08/2025 16:07

No can’t afford to buy separately 😡 As I still have SEN adult son at home( not his ) so need 2 bedrooms and they are anything from 200k very minimum and will need work doing.

I should have got out sooner as I could see the cracks then .
It eats me up that he can not see or want to things that want/need doing
surely this is not just woman that can/want to see this ?
Thing is , if it’s his car.bike straight away he’s onto it no messing.
Kitchens hanging yet he’s not interested but wouldn’t think twice at looking g at cars 17k cash

He’s happy to do minimum hoover round. Clean underwear and 2 showers daily oh and a bloody coffee.

I will be festering now wanting to bring it up, but know I’ll be met with
” oh know not this again “ and shut down immediately

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