How to explain to DC why I don’t visit family

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I no longer attend my In laws family gatherings with my husband and his family due to my in laws dismissive behaviour towards me. It’s healthier for me to stand back and for DH to visit with DC.

I think DC is becoming curious as to why I don’t attend. How best do I approach this? She’s young and won’t understand the details on family dynamics and issues which caused me to go NC in the first place. But I do want to be as honest as I can with her (without causing her anxiety or upset).

@ColdClimates you could be me, even down to the ex girlfriend because she came from the right sort of family - wealthy. When I tried to defend myself from their horrid remarks it was seen as insubordination and how dare I, i was shouted down, silenced. So Dh stepped in as they are his parents. He told them he wouldn't see them if they continued to make those comments to me or about me to him. What they wanted was a mute, obedient DIL and they got me, with opinions.

It has worked for you but in my own family with that Grandparent who was awful my sibling started parroting their opinion. So when they had the normal parent child disagreement that child knew exactly what to say to wound the parent. This opinion was reinforced all the time by the Grandparent and was never reproached so her opinions stood for something. You are there for your visits and you know what they say to your face. Imagine what they would say to your child behind your back and how much poison they can pour into a child's mind.

“Because we don’t get along very well. I feel very uncomfortable when I visit, and I don’t have a nice time. This way Daddy can go and see his mum and Dad without worrying about me. I don’t like the way they talk about things. Sometimes they are very unkind about people. We don’t have to go to places where people make us feel uneasy.”

All of those are honest and age appropriate. Start at the beginning and work your way along depending how hard she pushes you.

Bear in mind that the reasons you give for not visiting could be the reasons she uses to avoid people and places she doesn’t like- including you when you are older!

@myplace such a good point on the fact that DC will copy these reasons in future herself 🤣 but to be honest I do want to teach her to be upfront and honest when she doesn’t want to engage with someone who she perceives has treated her badly. Never to put up with it and accept poor behaviour from others because it’s the status quo.

It depends on their age. Under 8 and I’d say I’m busy with a hobby/ tidying up/ doing a food shop. Over 8 and say I don’t want to go but don’t go into too much detail

Thanks so much everyone for your responses. These family issues are so stressful and honestly I really struggle to understand why my ILs were so pushy about moving near us when they knew we felt uncomfortable with the idea. What a mess.