Husband asks if I’m ok and then makes it all about him

2791cc · 2025-08-05T21:37:12+00:00

Second marriage - married 5 years realising we have different approaches / boundaries / friends / attitudes to money i think I love him but not sure I like him - he’s loud and overbearing and if ever I ask him to tone things down he says I won’t accept him for who he is and want to change him ! I don’t want to change him - I would like him to respect my (and other people’s ) boundaries There have been 4 recent occasions when he’s asked my what is on my mind and when I have told him that something he has said has upset me he immediately turns it on me and says well you do that ! There is no acceptance on his part that he has caused a situation - he just makes out he is upset about something I have said! Really makes my piss boil as it seems as though he asks a question but doesn’t want to hear the answer. has anyone else experienced this and what has helped ? Thanks

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 05/08/2025 22:50

I'm not sure how long love can last in those circumstances @2791cc :(

This is not ok:
when I have told him that something he has said has upset me he immediately turns it on me and says well you do

Him taking accountability isn't changing him, it's about personal responsibility and respect. It doesn't sound like he really respects anyone other than himself.

You could try counselling, but, honestly, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry, I know that's harsh- there are good men out there out there.

Desmodici · 06/08/2025 07:48

Been there. Nothing will help. He's not going to change, and nor should you have to teach him how to have healthy discussions. (It won't work, anyway.) Counselling won't work, either. There are some people who are incapable of ever admitting they're wrong, or apologising. Discussions will always turn things back on you. You'll always be the one at fault. It's a form of emotional abuse and will wear you down.
Either you stay, and and don't engage. 'Of course.' 'Sure.' Grey rock. But it only changes your reaction to his behaviour - it doesn't stop him from doing it. You'll still never have your feelings heard and validated.
Or you split up. And that's what I'd recommend.

Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 08:05

Desmodici · 06/08/2025 07:48

Been there. Nothing will help. He's not going to change, and nor should you have to teach him how to have healthy discussions. (It won't work, anyway.) Counselling won't work, either. There are some people who are incapable of ever admitting they're wrong, or apologising. Discussions will always turn things back on you. You'll always be the one at fault. It's a form of emotional abuse and will wear you down.
Either you stay, and and don't engage. 'Of course.' 'Sure.' Grey rock. But it only changes your reaction to his behaviour - it doesn't stop him from doing it. You'll still never have your feelings heard and validated.
Or you split up. And that's what I'd recommend.

Thank you - I fear you’re right with this - I will give the grey rock method a go and see if I can tolerate that
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it too

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Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 08:06

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 05/08/2025 22:50

I'm not sure how long love can last in those circumstances @2791cc :(

This is not ok:
when I have told him that something he has said has upset me he immediately turns it on me and says well you do

Him taking accountability isn't changing him, it's about personal responsibility and respect. It doesn't sound like he really respects anyone other than himself.

You could try counselling, but, honestly, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry, I know that's harsh- there are good men out there out there.

Thank you for taking the time to respond - I appreciate your help

OP posts:

cheeseismydownfall · 06/08/2025 08:16

It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. To be fair to him, it is really frustrating when someone is clearly upset about something but won't just come out and say it. Why are you waiting for him to ask you what's wrong? Presumably you must be showing him that you are upset through your behaviours. By doing so you are preemptively putting yourself in the position of victim and casting him in the role of perpetrator. So it's perhaps not surprising that his is acting defensively. Why not just talk to him?

Obviously he may just be a completely knob. But I do think it's worth thinking about your role in these interactions before leaping to LTB.

Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 08:40

cheeseismydownfall · 06/08/2025 08:16

It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. To be fair to him, it is really frustrating when someone is clearly upset about something but won't just come out and say it. Why are you waiting for him to ask you what's wrong? Presumably you must be showing him that you are upset through your behaviours. By doing so you are preemptively putting yourself in the position of victim and casting him in the role of perpetrator. So it's perhaps not surprising that his is acting defensively. Why not just talk to him?

Obviously he may just be a completely knob. But I do think it's worth thinking about your role in these interactions before leaping to LTB.

Thank you - you’re right that I don’t always say straight away what is troubling me because it usually ends up in a row
I can give it a go to mention something immediately it happens - past experience tells me the result will be the same unless I change my response

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ShoeeMcfee · 06/08/2025 08:42

My second husband turned out to be bloody awful too, OP. I felt such a fool because, like you, I had genuinely fallen for him at first. We split up and it was bliss to be free again. You don't have to put up with any shit that you don't want to put up with.

reversegear · 06/08/2025 08:47

I realised my DH does the “you do it too” comment so now I start anything we discuss with the caveat he’s not allowed to say that, I’ve sent him articles to read and I’ve shown him how controlling that comment is, over time he’s stopped using it and understands where it’s come from in terms of his upbringing, same with incompetence and asking me where things are.

Do you have any desire to educate and work with your DH on this issue and some behaviours? Would he be receptive to understanding himself better?

if not throw him back!

Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 11:14

ShoeeMcfee · 06/08/2025 08:42

My second husband turned out to be bloody awful too, OP. I felt such a fool because, like you, I had genuinely fallen for him at first. We split up and it was bliss to be free again. You don't have to put up with any shit that you don't want to put up with.

Thank you. Appreciate your reply and experience.

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Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 11:16

reversegear · 06/08/2025 08:47

I realised my DH does the “you do it too” comment so now I start anything we discuss with the caveat he’s not allowed to say that, I’ve sent him articles to read and I’ve shown him how controlling that comment is, over time he’s stopped using it and understands where it’s come from in terms of his upbringing, same with incompetence and asking me where things are.

Do you have any desire to educate and work with your DH on this issue and some behaviours? Would he be receptive to understanding himself better?

if not throw him back!

I would like our marriage to work so happy to try suggestions - I think in the back of my mind I am seeing this as an ongoing issue that I don’t want to have to tolerate for the next 30/40 years so I guess if we try the suggestions made by the lovely people on here and it still doesn’t work I will have to have a rethink

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Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 11:17

reversegear · 06/08/2025 08:47

I realised my DH does the “you do it too” comment so now I start anything we discuss with the caveat he’s not allowed to say that, I’ve sent him articles to read and I’ve shown him how controlling that comment is, over time he’s stopped using it and understands where it’s come from in terms of his upbringing, same with incompetence and asking me where things are.

Do you have any desire to educate and work with your DH on this issue and some behaviours? Would he be receptive to understanding himself better?

if not throw him back!

I would like our marriage to work and interesting you say it’s not easy to be around someone who shows their upset - I can address that part and make changes - so let’s see if that works

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SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 06/08/2025 11:26

Grey rock is a method for giving no reaction to people with who choose to be abusers, or have personality disorders for scenarios when you have to be around them briefly (funerals etc.)
It's not a viable method for a blissful marriage.
Marriage works when there are two non abusive people who cherish each other and enhance each others lives.

Your husband doesn't seem the type to want to fundamentally change who he is as a person. Is he working on being less loud, overbearing and accusatory?

Original poster

2791cc · 06/08/2025 12:41

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 06/08/2025 11:26

Grey rock is a method for giving no reaction to people with who choose to be abusers, or have personality disorders for scenarios when you have to be around them briefly (funerals etc.)
It's not a viable method for a blissful marriage.
Marriage works when there are two non abusive people who cherish each other and enhance each others lives.

Your husband doesn't seem the type to want to fundamentally change who he is as a person. Is he working on being less loud, overbearing and accusatory?

He doesn’t seem to think he needs to change - he says it’s me expecting him to change and not accepting him for who is is ! I feel like I am walking on eggshells and not able to be honest about my feelings with him as it seems to escalate whenever I say anything that doesn’t blow sunshine up his backside.

He never seems to want to talk about his feelings until I start to talk about mine and that is what makes me feel unheard and not really listened to.

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