DH’s little interest in looking for a new job

[Mumtoatoddler2022]

Long rant coming.

I was made redundant in January. Luckily I was working again in April but I’m earning much less than before and the experience has made me anxious about one of us losing our jobs again. We cannot manage on one salary.

DH’s company announced layoffs today. Again. He’s not affected, but a close colleague was. He could be next. I said he should look for another job just in case. He works in a VERY niche field but I found a very suitable role on LinkedIn, a perfect fit, a 30-min drive away. It’s a rare opportunity he should not miss. He liked it. I drafted a message for the hiring manager for him. I asked if he can apply today. He said he will do it in a few days, because he needs to finish a report for work first… outside of his working hours… for a company that could make him redundant any day.

He has no savings. He brushed it off when I suggested creating a joint savings account. We only have a joint every day account for essential expenses. The little savings we have are my personal savings! We actually had a very serious conversation about this recently and this is going to change.

I appreciate I can be intense, overbearing and a pain and that he’s an adult but it’s my future and my stability too? He’s just so laid back, nothing stresses him. I feel like I’m the only one being responsible about our future.

I understand that you are feeling insecure, but micromanaging your DH's work life like this isn't on. Step back. He isn't being made redundant. Let him apply for this job, or not, as he wishes. Even if he does, and gets it, there's no guarantee that they won't make redundancies either.

You may want to seek some help for your anxiety - being made redundant is a traumatic experience (I've been through it twice) and sometimes a supportive outside voice can make a difference to how you cope.

Oh dear… I just read what I wrote and you are 100% right. I’m an anxious mess right now.

I really hope I've been able to help - I did very much mean to be supportive. Life is really tough for people, finances are tight and I totally get where you are coming from. I hope you manage to get your serenity back and everything on an even keel again.

You helped so much! You said what DH’s was trying to tell me, but he couldn’t quite find the words. He hasn’t applied, and that’s okay. I haven’t asked again. I was a pressure cooker. I feel much more relaxed now that I don’t feel this is something I have to fix! :)

Why would you want him to leave a job ?

when you start a new job you have far less employment rights than you do when you have been somewhere 2 years +
and he could be let go after a trial period, then have no job.

Savings are a different matter. maybe he cannot afford to save ?

I disagree with the foregoing I'm afraid, based on this

DH’s company announced layoffs today. Again. He’s not affected, but a close colleague was. He could be next. I said he should look for another job just in case. He works in a VERY niche field but I found a very suitable role on LinkedIn, a perfect fit, a 30-min drive away. It’s a rare opportunity he should not miss. He liked it.

He has no savings. He loses this job and he's really in the mire. He likes the sound of this rare and perfect fit within half an hour of home and it's in a 'very niche field'

Seriously, what's to lose by applying?

I was going to say, who are you to dictate his working choice.

But the other poster did a great job, and straight away you can see why this wasn’t going to go well.

My advice would be, if he wants a new role he’ll explore it, remember a new role doesn’t necessarily increase security. He could start there and hate the culture, his manager etc and want to leave. Then there may not be other roles around, especially if he’s niche.
Personally if he’s niche, have a back up freelance plan (if he wants)

Can you look for a better paid job ?

That was my thinking. I would never pressure him to switch jobs, I was pressuring him to explore other opportunities. He could always say no. We have different personalities. I’m more risk averse and I like to have a backup plan and contacts in different places.

Still, I was micromanaging him. He’s not a child.

I am looking for a better paid job! It’s just a bit tricky because my current job is 100% remote (which is not so easy to find). And that’s a perk that could come in handy if he eventually loses his job and there’s nothing for him locally.

He doesn’t have any rights right now either. He only joined last year, he doesn’t have a permanent contract and it seems very unlikely that his contract will be renewed next year even if he’s not let go.

I don’t necessarily want him to leave his job right now, I would just like him to be a bit more proactive and see what’s out there. He might find a great role that offers a bit more security, or he might not! But doing nothing doesn’t seem sensible. His company is really not in a good place right now.

Re savings, we are equally capable of saving money because we put both our incomes in the same pot and take out the same amount for our personal expenses (and we are very generous with the definition of a family expense!). He’s just gone on several trips abroad with his mates in the last couple of years. I don’t care what he does with his fun money, that’s the point of having fun money. But I argued that we should set some money aside for family savings first, because it shouldn’t fall on me to save money for emergencies.

Of course you shouldn't/wouldn't pressure him, but he should be open to an all around pros and cons conversation, particularly if there's a strong feeling his contract may not be renewed anyway. It's just what people do for life planning.

I think that conversation and a rejig of finances so that your monthly set aside includes contingency or rainy day money that you both contribute equally, should be a priority to be honest. Ask him why, if he works in such a niche field and this potential opening is a good fit all round, is he reticent to even explore it? Is he lacking in confidence, or on a bit of a downer that means you need to support him in some other way.

Just encourage him to be open and frank about what he feels is the best way to plan your future.

That’s very sensible advice. It’s basically what we did after I calmed down. I just went from 0 to sending him jobs and drafting LinkedIn messages for him in 5h 🤣.

We’ve had a chat, he was too stressed about something else that day and in general he finds it very hard to get started with this kind of thing. He agrees that he should start looking around. He’s actually been talking to a couple of people this morning about a potential openings.

About the savings, I presented him with a list of our monthly expenses and said this is what we should be paying into the joint account monthly + £X for savings. He couldn’t argue with the math!

That's good, you're on the same page now and pulling together and when that happens, it's a lot less stressful all round.

OP you need to take a step back.

He is not affected by the redundancy process so there is no urgency to find a new job.

You should instead focus on yourself and find ways to deal with your stress and anxiety and look for a better paid job.

This is the 2nd time I have ended up with a wrong un.im divorced 2 grown up kids living there own life.visting quite often.After my divorce I bumped into and old boyfriend from our teenage years.we have been together now for 15 years,I own my own house and he lives with me paying the council tax and 50 a week for food.We both recently retired and I found out by accident that he has pensions totaling £4.000 per month. He has never told me this I assumed stupidly that he was getting around the same as me (1200).i asked if he was going to hand over 15 years rent as a joke. He said he would put doesn't have a pot to piss in.
.I think it's time for him to go but said he is entitled to half the house sale. I bought this outright before I met him so that's not going to happen. I want to tell my children but I think it could get nasty. Any advice would be appreciated.

@MySharpFish

You need to start your own thread.

But you are not married ! so why on earth would he get a single penny of your house ? you didn't put him on the title deeds did you...

Called it a day and said bye bye