Okay, this is a long one, sorry.
I'm 31, partner 32, both live with parents (me, both. Him, just his dad)
We've been together since November 2023 - got caught pregnant last August, I gave birth in March. I live at home, and I lost my partner in 2020 - we had been saving up for a mortgage therefore, I've never moved out. He's moved out once before and moved back after she got back with her ex. He's autistic, and believes very much that emotions are "futile" and "serve no real purpose other than getting us to give in to impulses and act in ways we wouldn't ordinarily."
The pregnancy was not an easy ride for me - worked nights most of the way through and was treated badly by my employer - they hired someone else for my job permanently and I was told I wouldn't be coming back to my original job, and kind of felt pressured to agree to that. I had a couple of scares, and then baby was tracking small so we were told I'd be induced. At induction, he did not respond well to the hormones and we were rushed in for an emergency Caesarean.
Through all of this, there were issues with him and my parents. My parents have had a lot of stress over the past year, too. We moved from our home of 31 years. My dad was diagnosed with cancer (too late) and ended up in emergency surgery with over a foot of bowel removed and an ileostomy. My mum is chronically disabled, and my dad her carer - neither have worked since the late 90s. There have been arguments, and some that my partner had witnessed. In January, my partner got drunk and started an argument with me because he decided he wasn't coming over that day - hormonal, pregnant me got upset, he couldn't see why it was a big deal and I started crying. My dad messaged him on WhatsApp (against my wishes) to say arguing/stress, bad for baby. So my partner unleashed a tirade about how there have been worse arguments and he (my dad) has upset me way more during the pregnancy than my partner ever had, and he (my dad) is "lazy" because he "does nothing" whilst my mum "slaves and fetches him tea".
This was all "swept under the rug" and apologies were made, hands were shook. Until the day after we came home from hospital. My mum was apparently waiting for an update on how I was doing that morning, my partner was trying to make baby formula and was apparently "accosted" in the kitchen by my dad. Partner was "unaware" that he had to give an update and my dad said "you're unfit to be a father if you can't read social cues like that".
Eventually, my partner was "banned" from coming over. I have been going to his, I have not complained about this. He's taken it upon himself to "do everything" to "give me a break" when I come over, and is "burnt out". Every time he drinks when he finishes his third, and final, night shift of the week, it devolves into chaos where I sit there being berated for being a "coward for not standing up to my dad" and "letting him back into the house". I've asked him to stop drinking, but today he said "it's my only form of release".
Last week, he hadn't made a bottle and after trying to explain the hot shot method, said "I'll go do it, it's fine, I'll have one made in 5 minutes." Came back, he was "overwhelmed" from the crying - I said I'd washed the pots that were left over in the sink whilst waiting for the kettle to boil for the hot shot and he said, "What do you want? A medal?"
We had our first house viewing last week after finally securing a guarantor - I woke up and was upset because I've never moved out, I'm scared of leaving my parents, and I'll miss them. But ultimately, I wanted to move. There was no comfort here, and then on Monday, after drinking again, he said "I don't give a s-!t, you know I hate the guy." and that he works "way harder than I* do. Just raising a baby, all the free time in the world."
This has all, understandably, had a huge effect on my mental health (which he says he understands as his sister had PPD) and came to a head last night when I started Googling if my baby would "remember someone they lost at 5 months" - I'll be seeking help for that tomorrow. He also said, when I said I've been hiding this but it was getting too much to deal with on top of everything else, "Why are you crying and sad when there are children out there without clean water to drink?"
The last thing he said to me was, "Go ahead, stay with what's comfortable" and then called me a coward again. The truth is, this is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done, and I don't know why I'm here or typing this out but thank you for reading.