Husband changed mind about having a baby

[Mahoganyflower]

I'm married to my husband for almost 5 years. This is my second marriage, I have two children from previous marriage and my husband cares for them like his own. Very early when we started dating we agreed to have children in the future. I have brought up the topics several times over the last few years and he always had a reason to procrastinate. We had a few fights in the last two years. I turned 39 a few months ago (he is 36) and we agreed to talk again then. Now he told me that he changed his mind as he doesn't want more responsibility. I am heartbroken and feel so betrayed. I love him so much and now feel he doesn't love me the same and is being selfish. We have otherwise a very happy marriage and the kids love him too. While I wouldn't want to give up this life I fear that I will resent him because of him taking this away from me and shying away from responsibility. Has anybody been in such a situation or can give advice?

Thank goodness you do have your two children, there was a thread not so long ago that the Op had been future faked for so long and she didn't have any children.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. He was never enthusiastic but I had made it clear I wanted kids and it's important to me so he said he agrees. I have reason to believe that he never really had the intention deep down and just want to go along. Yes he did say he only realised what it means after he moved in with us. However this has now been 5 years and only now he said no instead of bringing an excuse. I just hate this situation, I am so angry that he wasn't honest upfront.

@Mahoganyflower Ah, so he was never enthusiastic about having children.

For the good of your existing kids if you can avoid having half-siblings, do. Two kids is plenty.

This. It's taken him five years of procrastination, fights and evasion to finally own up.
a pp said you couldn't call him selfish.

You made your position clear for five years. I think he's been very selfish and in fact deceptive.

He wanted a life with you, but only on his terms. He didn't give you a choice and now you are running out of fertility time.

It could have gone wrong though OP. What if he started treating his own child better than your kids because it’s his biological child? That sort of thing happens all the time and the older kids feel like crap because there is a family unit that they are not part of, particularly if they go to stay with their other parent - they can feel they don’t really belong anywhere. You have a 12 year old and while she might say she wants a baby now, she might not be so enthusiastic in a few years. It’s a really big age gap too. Less so with the 7 year old but at the end of the day none of them will be close in age.

Two kids is wonderful though, and plenty enough. I think he is being the opposite of selfish - putting your kids first and being a good step-dad to them.

You're going to go through a whole range of feelings.
Anger and grief and more anger. If you don't get over it then your relationship is over.

I'd be really hurt and upset and angry.

He was never enthusiastic

Shame this wasn't mentioned in the first post.

It sounds like he never wanted kids OP. From your updates I'm not sure he lied. You said he didn't realise what children entail till he moved in with you. Which is fair enough!

Tbh he must have loads of great qualities and tbh even if your kids were his bio it makes no difference.... it's a difficult situation. When 1 person wants another child and someone else doesn't what do you do? You've got 2 kids and you are 39 so I feel your feelings are valid but don't throw your relationship away over this OP!

YABU to call him selfish for deciding he doesn’t want a baby. You are being unfair to suggest he’s shying away from responsibility? He doesn’t have a responsibility to make a baby with you, he’s already doing a very good job by the sounds of it with your children (your responsibility). He hasn’t betrayed you, he did want a baby and now he doesn’t he has been open and honest about that

I know you've said your daughter's view isn't really relevant, but you need to reflect on the fact thst if your DH did agree to having a child, she's going to be at least 13 and possibly older if (and you know it's by no means a certainly) a baby does arrive. That would be a massive impact on her GCSE years and beyond.

I do understand you feel the imperative to have another child - but (and I speak as someone who has a much-loved 9 years younger younger brother - whose arrival did have a big impact subsequently on me in my teens) it would likely not be all that great for her.

Having his own child could completely change his relationship with your dc. Honestly I think you dodged a bullet.

He can care about your feelings and still not want a baby.

Its better if one of you doesn't want one, to not have one than have one.

I am really surprised that most of the posters are so nonchalant about this. Sure you have two kids already, but you clearly expressed to him that you wanted to have more and he agreed. I would be furious.

Considering your age, there are slim chances you would be able to find someone else and have more kids before it is too late even if you decide to leave him for this. He has wasted your time.

@lovelifelive he's 36. He has no kids of his own that speaks volumes. One massive green flag is that a man who has no kids has choosen to date OP well marry and take on her kids. He sounds like a very good man to me. Even at 34 OP should of had a plan... like the next couple of years to try for a baby making her 36ish.

This isn't a dig at OP but I'm astonished that people don't have the whole baby conversation pretty early on to establish what you both want. At 34+ as a woman you haven't really got time to faff around!

and feel so betrayed. I love him so much and now feel he doesn't love me the same and is being selfish

I think feeling betrayed is a natural reaction and quite understandable, and will probably take some time to work through. Only you can say whether he intentionally deceived you all this time.

Feeling that his love isn't equal to yours though is somewhat unreasonable. Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean your inferences are correct.

Plenty of people love each other to the ends of the earth and don't want children.

Given that your relationship is otherwise good, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I do wonder if your age is contributing to your sorrow over a 3rd child...with perimenopause no longer in the distant future, many women grieve that they're facing the prospect of no further children, even if they never particularly wanted more.

I think counselling would help you, you should be kind to each other and yourselves right now

I think there’s a difference between a man running down a childless woman’s biological clock vs a woman who already has 2 children. I’m not saying the latter is acceptable, but it is very, very distinct from the former.

@Mahoganyflower sorry to hear that , he has lead you on .
I think you are allowed to be feeling the way you do and yes the advice would be to leave if you didn’t have any kids .
As he is a decent step parent i don’t think anyone would advise that . This is your marriage though and he has to accept and acknowledge the impact his lies have had.
Would he go to couples Counseling ?
The reality is you may never get over this and it wouldn’t be best to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids.

OP I really feel for you. You were clear from the outset. It sounds like your husband wasn't. And in fact may even have lied. Regardless of what others may feel about two being 'enough', not only are you dealing with the loss of your dreams but you are also having to consider whether your husband deceived you. If he did deceive you it will be hard to trust him ever again, and when the trust goes, often the love does too.
For me it would depend whether I thought it was an honest change of mind or if I'd been lied to. I wouldn't be able to forgive the latter.

Maybe he did want children but now he’s lived as a step parent for 5 years he’s changed his mind? The time, energy, money etc that goes into kids, perhaps he’s being responsible in feeling like he couldn’t be as good a parent with an extra child.