Rejecting a man that could have been perfect but he doesn’t want kids

[fourfoxsakes]

I’ve done the right thing haven’t I? I met up at the weekend with a man who I have been chatting to for a while, it wasn’t actually planned but he was on a stag do at a seaside resort and I was staying with family near by and we decided on an impromptu meet up. We were walking along the beach and the topic of children came up (he has an adult child who he had very young) and he said that he doesn’t want any more children. I am slightly younger and definitely want children. We had an honest conversation about it and he was lovely about it and he said that he wouldn’t want to take that chance away from me but he knows he is done with kids and he is now on a different path. He is literally perfect in every other way and we got on like a house on fire but I know this is not something that I am willing to compromise on. I can’t stop thinking about him. I respect his honesty and I know it wouldn’t be fair to try and convince him otherwise but it’s so hard to pass up on a good man for something that might never even happy for me, someone talk some sense in to me! We both agreed at the end of the night that we wouldn’t meet up again for this reason and then we kissed 😬🤦♀️

Dont chat to people that are so far away you rely on a chance meeting, and dont chat to someone for so long before meeting.

Meet them quickly and date or move on. Don't waste precious time

He actually lives in the same city we just happened to be in the same location at the same time!

Have the conversation about wanting children early in chatting. Saves wasting everyone's time.

Shared life goals are essential for a perfect match. He just isn’t at the same life stage.

You want completely different things, so he really isn’t perfect for you.

Best to let it end now.

If you are certain you want children and he's certain he doesn't, there's nothing more to be said - your relationship has no future.

Don't make the mistake of hoping you can change his mind, you will just be wasting time when you could be finding someone who wants what you want.

Be glad you found this out now, and respect his honesty - he hasn't led you down the garden path, he's been upfront knowing it's a dealbreaker for you.

Yes you have done sooooo much the right thing. Speaking as someone who married a man who wasn’t sure he wanted kids. He told me he was sure he didn’t a month before the wedding. I wish I’d walked away, but it took me 4 more years to do it. This man is honest and he knows what he is talking about. He’s saved you a ridiculous amount of pain and struggle, believe me.

He really isn’t right for you - and you are not right for him.

It sounds like your barely know him so he’s unlikely to be perfect (lleaving aside the fact you want fundamentally different things), you’ve romanticised the idea of him

I know he’s likely not perfect he just ticks all of the other boxes on paper.

' could have been perfect ' but he isn't - as he does not want children. full stop.
next.

and in future get the subject of children discussed before even meeting.

It doesn’t matter how many other boxes he ticks, if having children is non-negotiable for you. There’s no point dwelling on it: it wasn’t going to work out, and you’d end up as one of those daft women posting on MN in five years time all upset because he still hasn’t changed his mind about having children when you assumed he just would change if he loved you enough.

But now you know that there are nice men out there, which is a great boost :) Excellent points for him for his honesty, so many would just lie...

Agree with everyone.

Unless you're on the fence about having children (doesn't sound like it), you did the right thing in letting it go. Try to have this conversation earlier next time so it doesn't sting as much !

So he’s not perfect, then. In fact, he’s pretty flawed.

It’s important and good that you know what matters for you.

You've done the right thing. Even if he is 'perfect' in every other way, he's the opposite of perfect for you, as he's in a totally different place re children.

Neither of you are wrong. You've both been honest. It's good that you haven't wasted each others' time.

But anyway, you can't know that he's 'perfect' so early on, even aside from the children thing. There's a real risk that you'll build him up to be something he's not in your head, and always think of him as the perfect man that got away. He may have been great for you (again, aside from the children thing), he may have turned out to be a bad match, or an awful person.

You've done the right thing.

Maybe it seems like he is perfect but really you didn’t spend lots of time together. Sounds like a heavy conversation too. But since it was discussed and he is sure he does not want more children you may need to accept this and find someone who does.

Aw OP that's rubbish! You know you've done the right thing though and at least he was honest and you found out early on.

Have to agree. You say that you’re worried about giving up the chance to be with a lovely man when kids may not even happen but by that same logic, you may not have a forever happy with him either. I don’t know how you assessed so quickly either that’s he’s ‘perfect’!

I personally wouldn’t be giving up my chance of having children so quickly, my priority would remain a nice guy and both wanting kids. Once I’m past my child bearing age (now!), then I’d focus obviously to just nice guy.

It’s a non negotiable for you - completely okay for that to be the case - so yes you did the right thing if he doesn’t want the same thing by ending it.

Going through a process with someone where you both want kids but have to accept it’s not going to happen is light years away from wanting different things from the off.

Rejecting a man that could have been perfect but he doesn’t want kids

He could have been perfect but he wasn’t perfect for you. You both want different things. You’ve done the right thing

Make a list of your non-negotiable and work them into the conversation or messages very very early on.