How do you know when enough is enough?

[timetochange234]

So I’ve been married 16 years. Four kids from early teen to toddler. I’m late thirties and just really questioning why I’m here with DH. We can’t have a constructive argument, he never sees anything from my point of view, it’s his way or no way. I’ve had a lot of health issues which have affected my whole life yet it’s me that does majority of everything including the childcare, housework and paying the bills. He basically pays a bit of rent and I do the rest. I’m sat questioning if this is all I’m worth? Have I left it too late to start again? He won’t change, much as I love him he can get really angry and storm off for nights at a time which makes childcare really hard, I don’t have family locally. He does but they don’t include me. Any advise would be appreciated….

If you're unhappy, and feeling taken advantage of then it's time to make a change. And someone won't do that if they never listen.

I'd start making plans for a life on your own. You're already coping most of the time that way as it is.

If you can't talk to him and have a discussion about changing things then there doesn't seem much point in staying in a marriage which is so unequal.
When you say he storms off " for nights at a time" does he stay out all night? Where does he go to when he goes off in anger?
It's not too late for you to start again. I think you should start looking at how you would manage financially if you split up.

Is it really that easy? We are married so if we divorced there’s all sorts of financial stuff to deal with and I only work part time. House is in my name but I don’t think it matters does it? I’m aware he’s had the opportunities to progress his career and I haven’t as I’ve always been main provider and child care giver. I had to pay the nursery fees for the youngest ones so I could work

Your married and he pays rent to you ?
do your rent your house ?
go on Turn2us and see what you will be entitled to, might surprise you
dont you get free hours nursery ?

Make a change, tell him what you expect of the relationship, if he doesn’t change then get rid.

When you start to ask this question- youve had enough and its time to make changes

Advice?

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitors' websites have good information too.

Do your homework, gather all financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor.

File for divorce and don't let him shaft you financially.

@Enrichettahow do I find a competent solicitor?. What points would have have to keep my house, we live in it with the children. Could I be awarded the full house to bring the children up in?
I have a lot of health conditions and can’t up my hours, if he takes my house I’ll never get back on the market

Best to get individual tailored advice from the solicitor. Strangers on the internet are not able to advise on your individual situation.

Please read the resources I mentioned in my post. I realise this may seem overwhelming but you need to do your homework so that you can use expensive solicitor time wisely.

it is unlikely that you would be able to stay in the current house unless you can afford to buy him out or do a trade-off with other assets, for instance foregoing a share in his pensions. But do bear in mind that pensions can be more valuable than equity, especially in the long run.

The best way of finding a competent family solicitor may be through personal recommendations, but you can also check out Wikivorce, or narrow down possible firms by looking at their websites and talking to them over the phone.

For me, it was after all the conversations had been had about what needed to happen to try and fix things, and nothing changed. It became very apparent I was the only one willing to put the effort in.
Then I simply stopped caring 🤷🏻♀️ I mentally and emotionally left my first marriage long before I physically left. And even with that being abundantly clear, my exH was still happy to continue plodding along. I asked myself: “Will I be happy if my life looks like this 10 years from now?”
The answer to that was a resounding no.

And no - it’s never too late to start again.
I met my now-DH a few years later. And my relationship with him is as polar opposite as you could possibly get from what I had with exH 😂

I am older than you, he made my life a complete misery. I thought, I could have another 25 years of this.

I left. After nearly 30 years. He made it as awful as possible. I have not regretted it for a minute

You seem like you are functioning as a single parent already!

Not clear about dh paying 'rent'? Do you own the house outright yourself or mortgaged in your name?

I agree get good advice from a solicitor- the children's housing needs and your role as main caregiver will be taken into account; equally they will want your dh to have adequate housing so he can have whatever parenting share you agree with space for that. In the UK there is something called a Mesher that can potentially allow you to stay in the house until youngest reaches a certain age e.g. 18, or finishws University and then is sold and asset split.

It's not a pancea, but do you think couples counselling would help him 'heard you?

Sorry I didn't answer the question in your title.

For me it was a lot of what you say. I got tired of silent treatment, stonewalling, in any discussion being told how I feel. For me there was additional abusive behaviour (can't tell from your post if that's going on for you too). Finally left after 15 years with 3 kids age 5-12. It can work out, I am in a much better situation now.