Is it time to leave ?

[Mitchell92]

On the 7th of June, I was in a really bad accident where a horse kicked me in the face and the lower half of my jaw was broken, skull fractures, broken nose and bone behind the ear. I’ve been left with a permanent deafness in my left ear and brain injury, as you can imagine this has been truly horrifying and hard to accept as an independent able bodied person.

however I have realised in the last month how much I have been putting up with from my partner over the last while, we’ve been together for 14 years and as I recover from the horrifying trauma I’ve been through I feel my eyes have been truly opened.

he constantly belittles me and is very critical, shows lack of concern but on the flip of a coin tells me he was absolutely devastated and panicked by my trauma and he was so scared to lose me. However in the last 5 weeks he has threatened to leave on numerous occasions and I’ve openly said ‘GO’ almost like he’s trying to hold a threat over my head. I honestly don’t believe a word he says so communication has just shut down as I feel what is the point. He said he doesn’t know why he says it but he does and he was back at his beloved ‘hobbie’ 2 days after my hospital release and he’s now attending his hobbie 3 times a week instead of just 2 while I’m left at home with the kids and still trying to get on my feet. If for any reason he doesn’t get to his ‘hobbie’ life is just hell, almost like a child throwing a tantrum.

Around 2 months ago I had two ladies tell me he was on 2 different dating websites and when I confronted him, he denied it and it’s all me making it up, even though I have proof through screenshots of said conversations.

On his social media he only has posts relating to his ‘hobby’ and silly memes there’s no inclination he is in a long term relationship or a father except for the odd photo from 2 years ago.

I feel I’m at a time where I should feel safe and secure after my trauma and actually I feel the opposite. I’ve decided to take control and put all the bills into my name, I’ve removed his name from our holiday next year and tbh I would rather sleep on the sofa than be anywhere near him and I’m pretty sure he would be quite happy with that arrangement.

I don’t know why I have all of a sudden had this realisation, or voice to speak up or make moves into going solo but right now I’m honestly going day to day wondering if that day will be the day he finally leaves.

I’ve already thought and looked into lawyers regarding children arrangements and he won’t get to see them without anything in writing to protect the agreement as he can be described as a flip flop, definitely not reliable.
I honestly feel I’m the better parent and I’m sick of people pleasing or just accepting what is thrown at me or taking insults

I think I’ve used this thread for a ‘rant’ and for maybe someone whose been in a similar position to shed some clarity or if I should be more understanding my emotions are all over the place with the recent trauma, but I honestly just see me in my future.

I’m sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful. In answer to your question, yes, it’s time. This guy isn’t good enough is he?

Have you discussed this all with a trusted friend/family member. I'm not saying that you are not right in what you are saying but you have suffered an enormous trauma and you need to be certain that this is not an unusual reaction and that you wouldn't have felt like this if this hadn't have happened?
Or do you feel you have had a moment of clarity.
I say this as someone who knows someone who had a head injury and whilst they recovered well their personality was never the same and their thinking very different.
If you have DC's, they have had a frightening experience to see their mother so injured, just consider them for the moment and just take your time before making major life changing decisions.
Good luck I wish you well, whatever you ultimately decide to do.

Your injuries sound very traumatic @Mitchell92 and I hope you're making a good recovery. It's clear you're thinking about leaving but are you well enough to manage alone with your DC yet? I can see why you want to split, he's shown his true colours now, he's selfish and resents looking after you but I'd make this is a slow gradual plan. Please don't risk your health more, it's still early days

You have had a major trauma and it has highlighted quite clearly how inadequate a partner he is. Frankly the dating apps alone would be enough, without all the other issues. You’re reevaluating your life and are making changes. You are brave and strong and you deserve better. Keep going x

I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible accident and that DH has let you down so badly in the way he has responded. He might indeed be finding it difficult but he needs to grow up and deal with it. It’s not ok that he is creating scenes and dramas, or that he is leaving you to do all the work with the kids.

I agree with @HazelBite. ( I’ve also got some relevant experience.) It’s very soon after a head injury to be making such big life decisions and the suggestion that you talk to someone who you can trust about all this is a really good one.

I can see from all that you say that your view of DH may not change, but even so I think you need to be a bit cautious about your plans. The things you mention about what you’ve done and what you are thinking suggest to me that you are not quite ready yet for the work, thinking and planning that a separation involves as well as the emotional pressure.

if you talk to any lawyers then be sure to mention your injuries - I’m sorry to say this but you don’t want to find that either your DP uses them against you or that the lawyers don’t have all the facts they need.

The classic Mumsnet advice is to get your ducks in a row - I think right now your main focus should be on your own recovery and creating as much peace for yourself as you can. I’m not saying you won’t end up parting from him, or that it’s not the right thing to do.

How are you managing with the school holidays? Is there anyone else who could come and stay with you for a bit?

Hey thank you so much @Chiconbelge.

in all honesty I’m doing everything myself with the kids, he’s basically stepped back and left all the hard work to me. He’s always out at his ‘hobby’ for hours on end or elsewhere, so in all honesty he hasn’t been ‘Available’ to either me or the kids.

A week or so before my accident was when I was approached about the dating websites he is on. So I’ve not really had a chance to confront it head on, but it’s very clear everything is a priority above anyone residing in the house we share.

his judo coach is a master manipulator and I went down one night to collect my kids from the class and his judo coach took great pleasure in telling me ‘he was bitching and moaning on the phone to him because he couldn’t attend judo for one whole session’ but as soon as I’ve got out hospital he’s been right back at it and basically said you deal with it all again, I don’t want too. My dad actually took the kids on the day of the accident and the days of both surgeries, he sat on a chair scrolling through his phone like he was casually sitting in the house.

he has told me ‘so what’ regarding my trauma and I need to just accept it happened and move on but jeez I’ve only just started getting some memory back and being able to hold a conversation

I just always feel an uptight knot in my stomach and rage runs through my body everyday, all day

So sorry to hear how difficult this all is for you. Can your Dad help more? Do you have siblings or friends who can support you? Again, very kindly, I think that the head injury might be affecting how you process and deal with his behaviour, and how you experience your own anger.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t be angry, just that your injury and trauma may affect the way your anger feels and whether you can turn it into a positive force or not. I’m wondering what support you are getting from the hospital or your GP practice?