DH and I have been married for 13 years, I don’t think I’ve been happy since DS2 was born 10 years ago but it’s dawning on me that this probably something I need to sort out.
There is quite a lot, but my question is really whether or not our relationship is quite typical and just what couples tend to fall into over time, or whether it is in fact ‘dead in the water’ and not functioning as it should. I realise that it is very much down to what couples want to live with, but what is typical?
We both work full time, I run a business and therefore work long hours. DH shares some housework, mainly cooks and is home before me so therefore does the after school
’childcare’. He also packs lunches, gets the DC up for school and does a share of the school runs. I do all of this too when I’m not leaving for work at 7am. So shared pretty much. He works, pays bills, does housework.
We live in the house he chose, I didn’t like it but we moved anyway. He promised we would do it up, and it would be great once that happened. We decorated when we moved in 13 years ago and basically he has refused to do anything since, including basic maintenance. I hate our house, one bathroom doesn’t work, one bedroom is full of junk which I spend so much of my time organising only to run out of time before it’s finished. When I go back to it he’s added another load of crap to it. I can’t get in the loft (medical condition), he never gets round to it. So there are piles of things ready to go up which have been there months. I’ve recently paid to have some house maintenance done which ended up being very expensive, but unavoidable. He had no part in this, if I’d left it to him any longer there would have been major problems. So I had to just do it.
On the occasions where we have needed to paint/put shelves up/reorganise it has taken months of me asking, which escalates into arguments where he tells me I’m nagging him. I start doing it myself but can’t manage entirely, he then takes it over and finishes it. But the amount of arguing, shouting and stress beforehand is disproportionate. He won’t start anything unless I have got to this point.
He has left a main room downstairs partially finished for 2 years, the items I bought to decorate it are now unsuitable (think for children who are now getting a bit old). Everything is scruffy, I’ve asked if we can begin one room and he’s refused to do any work on the house because it’s summer. That was the excuse. He doesn’t put things away properly, just shoves them into cupboards and shelves, or bags which he then puts into cupboards so I can never find things which do have homes because they are never there, they’ll be somewhere random.
We are in a tight spot financially, not terrible, but painting a wall and sorting out flooring will hardly break the bank. I hate having people over to our house and now I’m refusing to have anyone over. Our friends houses are all lovely, nothing flash but nicely decorated and organised. It’s embarrassing to live how we do. He doesn’t care. He’s recently had a payout, I think he should use some of the money to sort the house out, maintain the broken parts and pay a decorator. He’s decided to pay the mortgage off because he hates his job, I think his plan is to cut his hours if he doesn’t have a mortgage to pay. I’m not on the mortgage.
He’s kept me and our DC quite separate from his family, we get together for the usual occasions but there has always been an issue with his sister where arrangements are always made around her. When it hasn’t been convenient for us he has completely ignored the plans we did have and got really mad at me for suggesting we say no. I’ve not been treated well by his family and our children come way down behind his sister’s children who are deemed the real grandchildren. Recently I have refused to allow this to continue after a family event where most relatives didn’t know who we were and DH didn’t introduce us. I’m still so hurt by this.
We don’t go out alone ever, it’s always either with the children or with groups of friends. He never offers to take me out for dinner or come to the cinema. A day shopping would be nice but he complains about having to go anywhere with me. The furthest we’ve got is DIY shops where we’ve argued all the way there.
Then there’s the zero intimacy, we barely sleep in the same bed. He blames the children but actively
encourages them to sleep in with me so he goes in another room. I put weight on, I then lost a lot, it’s going back on at the moment because I feel so down and sad.
So I want to leave, he definitely won’t leave - I’ve asked him before. He says there isn’t an issue. I feel like there is. I’m unhappy, I can’t be myself. I don’t want to live like this. He says everything is fine and that I constantly expect him to have things perfect all the time. If they were even half perfect it would be nice. I have told him all
of the things which upset me, I’ve told him how it looks like he wants me and his children to live like this and he doesn’t care enough to make things nice for us. I’ve told him twice in the last 6 weeks how it’s making me feel.
Financially, leaving isn’t straight forward. We have debt and it’s all in my name. I can only go to my parents, I couldn’t take the children there though and they wouldn’t want to. I just can’t leave my children. So I’ve stayed, but it’s getting harder.
So am I expecting too much? Is this just what happens? Or is this us failing? I feel like either way I’m stuck living like this until the children are older and I can leave because I know he just won’t.
thank you if you got this far.